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Date: 7/25/2023 4:43:00 AM
From Authorid: 55251
The best defence is a good offence. Aerosol repellents are flammable. So, hold a lighter up to the nozzle and spray the mosquitoes with your new flamethrower. If that doesn't work, your next best solution is controlling the source via mosquito birth control. Just start reading out Hey Larry's JOTW to the mosquitoes and they'll never be in the mood to reproduce. |
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Date: 7/25/2023 5:13:00 AM
From Authorid: 5940
You guys! Don’t bother with expensive repellents when you do what us folks do down here. There are many ” opshuns” for example: remove all clothing and walk out into the deepest, heaviest brush you come across….that way you get a deep woods tan after them skeeters feast on every part of your body. Not only will you develop an immunity, but also a leathery hide that’s impenetrable! ( if you don’t die from malaria that is, but hey, you ain’t a sissy are ya?) Another “ op shun” would be no bathing for a period of time and then immerse your body in swamp mud. Heck, them high falootin’ wimmin in Beverly Hills pays lots o’ money for them mad pack beauty types spa treatments . Oh yea, moonshine helps. It doesn’t keep skeeters away but you won’t notice the difference anyway.  |
Date: 7/25/2023 8:42:00 AM
From Authorid: 21435
Hekler  Back in the 12th century, "L.D." and I lived with a tribe of native Americans, on the South coast of the Great State of TEXAS. It was a pristine sub tropical paradise, BUT, the mosquitoes were HORRIBLE! We burned driftwood fires, for the smoke and about choked to death. We also mixed shark liver oil and/or alligator grease with fine loamy soil and smeared it all over our bodies, from head to toe to repel the little monsters."L.D."---Kronk smelled so bad that you could smell him coming, a mile away. kronk---Yeah, well, you didn't smell like roses, either and you looked like a "Chupacabra." "L.D."---Amen, bra! Those were NOT the good old days.  |
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Date: 7/25/2023 8:57:00 AM
From Authorid: 21435
What's Hey Larry talking about? kronk---What do you mean? "L.D."---opshuns? kronk---I believe he's referring to "The Opshuns Twins;" Margate & Akbar. They were carpet czars. "L.D."---Burnside and 62nd street, next to "Tony's pet shop and exotic meat emporium?" kronk---Yep! Wanna' grab a side of something, I'm hungry. |
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Date: 7/25/2023 11:06:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5301
...Morphix...I like the way you think but you're thinking small. Why not mount a 75 gallon tank of compressed naptha on one of those 4WD mudder trucks and spray it through an atomizer nozzle with igniter to really make a mess of a mosquito's day? The idea about reading the JOTW was also pretty good but I see a different outcome. You are correct about a failure to reproduce but I think that they will, at some point in the telling of the joke, willingly fall upon their own proboscis and terminate themselves in some weird kind of mosquito seppuku. Both plans are light years ahead of my idea. I had planned to build a giant magnifying glass and suspend it from a helium balloon and just employ a scorched earth method of clearing the swamp aka Hey Larry's back yard.  |
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Date: 7/25/2023 12:19:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5301
...and all Hey Larry has to offer is his usual "Look at me, I'm Bigfoot" backup plan. |
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Date: 7/25/2023 12:30:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5301
...and the best of luck to you with those Beverly Hills women. They know where to find a tar pit and you look like you belong in one. |
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Date: 7/25/2023 12:38:00 PM
From Authorid: 5940
Well excuse me for trying to help. Why so mean spirited lately? Were you excommunicated from the Possum Lodge after attempting to over throw their exalted Grand Poobah? |
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Date: 7/25/2023 2:06:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5301
...you weren't being helpful. You were being yourself and if you find me to be a little on the testy side lately it's because the Saudis bought Possum Lodge and turned the grounds into a golf course. |
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Date: 7/25/2023 2:13:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5301
Kronk L.D...so first you lived with the native Americans and you brought the tribe from Florida to the south coast of the Mexican lands known as Texas. You call them mosquitos but can you really be sure that those things weren't some Floridian strain of flying chihuahua? All the pieces are there... |
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Date: 7/25/2023 5:34:00 PM
From Authorid: 5940
The Saudi folks that procured your your sacred Temple of The Roadkill, they want to make a golf course… in your neck of the woods? That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard today! Thanks for the laugh. |
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Date: 7/25/2023 7:08:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Yep. kronk---What? "L.D."---That's what bit me. kronk---Looks like Beto O'Rourke. |
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Date: 7/26/2023 2:33:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hekler "L.D." here: Sorry about drifting off topic, but kronk has an unnatural dislike for O'Rourke. kronk---I just don't think that Beto has the best interests of The Great State of Texas in mind. "L.D."---He lost anyway, so what's the big deal? kronk---You know, you're right. He's a nobody. Maybe he can get a job smuggling Irish whiskey into Salt Lake City.....Anyway...How about that reference Hekler made to the Miskito tribe. I love history. "L.D."---Dig it! You can learn so many things, here on USM. I believe we actually do provide a service to the world. kronk---Wow, dog! That's pretty profound stuff. "L.D."---Sure...Let's go to the tattoo parlor. I want to get a reclining "M.T.G." across my torso. kronk---Cool, dog! Wait a minute; do you even have a torso? |
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Date: 7/31/2023 6:09:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
"L.D."---Take me for a walk. You've been glued to the tube for the last six hours. kronk---C'mon, dog. I can't quit. This is just "too" crazy. "L.D."---So what are you watching, anyway? kronk---It's an exposé on "American Politics." "L.D."---Ugh! |
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