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Date: 6/19/2021 8:23:00 AM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry  I would have been here sooner, but I had to take L.E.D. for his morning exercise. It's so hot down here that we have to take him for his walk shortly after daybreak. (He's threatened to turn us in to the SPCA if we expose him to any outside temperature greater than 73 degree F.)Anyway, that delays my cup of morning coffee. I guess that I probably drink about a pint and a half of coffee every day. (More in the winter time). Lots of cream and lots of sugar is the way I go. I gotta' go, now. L.E.D. is out there with the wife while she barbeques chicken. If I don't get out there, the little robber will ended up talking her out of the backbone.....Write on.....  |
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Date: 6/19/2021 8:46:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
THIS IS AN UNPAID ENDORSEMENT ...ah yes, coffee! I can say that there is nothing that gets me prepared for the day better than that first steaming cup of the day. I have similar feelings about Hey Larry's Joke of the Week. I'm pretty sure that I don't just speak for myself when I say that I spend Sunday through Friday going through withdrawals due to the lack of something remotely funny in my life and much appreciate waking up on Saturday morning to get my weekly steaming load right here on "Joke of the Week". If you're like me and need something remotely funny to start your weekend, you'll not find a bigger bang for the buck than with this feature. You could spend a lifetime searching for something more remotely humorous, so why go to the effort when Hey Larry is more than willing to do it for you. Consistently.  |
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Date: 6/19/2021 9:26:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Hey Kronk, , we all must pay our dues when it comes to children, wives, and dare I say…pets. In my case, coffee is my one and onl6 addiction.  |
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Date: 6/19/2021 9:31:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Jeez Hekler, don’t hold back. Please tell us how you really feel. I’d be more than willing to start a support group-in your honor. If you are really into steaming heaps there are plenty of outlets that are more than happy to pile it on with free shipping. |
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Date: 6/19/2021 10:08:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
...dang! I give your "JOTW" a positive review and what do I get as thanks? More of your vicious character assessments. I pray to the big guy upstairs all the time to show you the way forward to a peaceful existence but it appears that He too has forsaken you. |
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Date: 6/19/2021 11:58:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
...A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe. The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.” |
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Date: 6/19/2021 12:00:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.” |
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Date: 6/19/2021 2:17:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hekler L.E.D. here: Loved the asphalt joke! I actually got a "couple" of laughs out of it. First of all, the joke itself was actually quite funny and it also flashed me back to last fall, when kronk busted the big toe on his left foot. oh, hahaha, oh, quit, haha..ohhhh, hahaha.... |
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Date: 6/19/2021 2:41:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hekler How's things? Looks like I will have to change my password, in order to keep that sadistic k-9 from logging on. I did, in fact, mangle a big toe on a trip to the beach, last year. I had just turned up the radio, popped the top on a cold one and settled into the lounger (Hey Larry would have been proud.) WHEN I hear the most awful commotion. Turns out, "THE DOG" was viciously attacking the right front wheel of a passing 1968 Chevy Blazer and in eminent danger of being run over. Naturally, concerned only with the animal's welfare, I sprang into action, spilling my beer, damaging the ear buds on my boom box and whacking my big toe on a 9"x 13" piece of asphalt roadway, partially buried in the sand. (Pieces of coastal roadway destroyed by a category 2 hurricane, in 1980.) |
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Date: 6/19/2021 2:46:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
L.E.D. here: HA! What a crock! He got up to get another beer, took off in the wrong direction and wandered into the curb. |
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Date: 6/19/2021 4:07:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...Hey L.E.D.! How's it going? Yeah, I liked that joke too but I can't take credit for it. I got that one from Hey Larry's book "Things I Remembered When I Was Sober". It was on the second-last page (pg. 4) next to the big coffee cup ring and what looked like dried drool. |
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Date: 6/19/2021 4:24:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...Hi Kronk! I'm doing all right. Thanks for asking. Could be better. Battery in the car went dead and my jumper cables were in the trunk. Trunk won't open without power. I could crawl into the trunk by flipping the back seat down but I have a bunch of boxes "stored" in there. I don't know what it is with this model but a lot of people seem to have the same problem with the battery going dead after a few days without starting. I guess it's a G.M. feature. Never had this problem with any of my Fords. Now you probably have a good idea as to why L.E.D. was attacking that 1968 Chevy Blazer. It just looked like a problem in the making. Did you have to call the paramedics in to help you with that spilled beer? They could at least stop somewhere along the way over and pick up a fresh 6 pack for you. I heard somewhere that this was a Southern Tradition. I personally like the idea. As far as L.E.D. getting online when you're off on a "mission", he really isn't much of a problem. Not like that gator that sneaked into your place that one time when you hadn't logged off. That thing came into USM and was chewing EVERYONE out. No manners at all! |
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Date: 6/19/2021 4:27:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...L.E.D.... don't be so hard on Kronk. Sometimes he just forgets where he left his beer and perhaps he was thinking about curbing his alcohol intake that day and was a tad befuddled. |
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Date: 6/20/2021 6:48:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hekler Regarding paramedics: I really whacked that toe into another dimension. Blood, everywhere and it hurt like all get out. The wife tossed a bucket of ocean water at my foot. She said that the sight of all the blood was turning her stomach and that the salt in the water was good for bleeding. (I don't know about that, but I'm here to say that it burned....a LOT.) Anyway, after that, the wife lost interest and wandered away. She said she needed ice for her screwdriver. Ugh! About that time, L.E.D mumbled something about dog saliva having medicinal properties and then he attacked my busted toe. At first he just lapped up the blood, but after a minute, his movements turned all jerky and he began chewing on my toe and chanting something like "the blood is the life" Well, I got nervous when I heard that and threw a 12oz bottle of Corona Extra at him. I missed the little villain, but the bottle hit close enough that it scared him and he broke off the attack and ran yelping and screaming his accusations to the wife. What happened next has never been fully explained. (To me, anyway.) While I was fishing around in the ice chest for another beer, "something" applied some form of blunt force trauma to the back of my head and the lights went out for an undetermined length of time. When I did finally regain consciousness, I remember hearing Tito Larriva (Tito and Tarantula) screaming something about "A Crack in the World" and that the atmosphere in our VW bus was permeated with the smell of vodka, oranges and Mexican beer. I must have passed out again, `cause when I woke up a second time, I was on the floor in our living room. My foot was heavily bandaged and elevated and the wife and dog were watching reruns of "Gunsmoke" on TV. Naturally, I demanded to know what happened, but was silenced when the little woman stuffed two purple pills and approx. three fingers of good scotch whiskey into my gullet and "forced" me to swallow. The last thing I remember hearing, on that faithful night, was something like; "A branch from a driftwood tree, fell and hit you on the head." The only trees that I remember growing in the area were salt cedar. ??????? |
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Date: 6/22/2021 12:53:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...pssst: L.E.D.... have you been cooking up vodka in the toilet again? If so (and I strongly believe that you are), you may want to prevent Kronk from drinking out of there. I fear that he may be drinking too much and it is having a profoundly negative effect on his reasoning processes. |
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Date: 6/22/2021 2:47:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry I wish that I could say that I have only one addiction. The list, unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) is long and distinguished. Admittedly, my "close calls" are coming more frequently, these days. I have a geriatrician on speed dial. Be prepared! Write about it. |
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Date: 6/22/2021 3:24:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hekler L.E.D. here: The man has no shame, but he has the constitution of an iguana. A while back, during one of the depressions, he came home all excited and said he had a way that we could get whiskey drunk without spending a cent. I regret to say that back then, I was nothing like the dog I am, today, and the idea appealed to me. Well, he drove us to one of those backwoods, community recreation halls. You know, the sort of place that folks paid twenty dollars and had their kid's wedding reception, there. For another five bucks, the drunkards could leave the mess and go home. Some little, old, guy would come the next day with a couple of wine heads and sweep the place clean and then burn the trash in a fire pit, out back. Of course, the door was locked, but kronk took me to one of the windows on the downwind side, reached through a missing section of window pane, opened the window and tossed me inside. Imagine, if you will, three, thirty foot sections of low table, covered with what was once, cheap white fake paper tablecloth, but now soiled with all manner of human wedding refuse. Plates with half eaten pieces of white wedding cake, mutilated pigs in a blanket, and clear plastic cups with various levels of the "booze du juire." No, you say? Yes, I tell you! No need to say more, I'm sure. Never again. (unless, or course there is another depression) "It IS a jungle out there." |
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