Unloading

I'm not really sure what I'm doing posting this. Well, yeah, I guess I do. For nearly 21 years this has been a refuge from everything else. I don't even know if I'm really looking for advice...Maybe I'm just looking to get it all off my heart.

Anyways, so I've been married to my current husband for 8 years, this time around. He was also my first husband lol. He's not a horrible guy, no physical violence of any kind. Gaslighting and neglect, very possible. He's always been gone more than he's home. Work, I can understand, but not gone for days and sometimes weeks without a word. I knew he had some drug issues, I knew he had some arrests because of those issues. I stayed, he's the father of two of our four kids (one is his but not mine), he usually had a job somehow and I'm more of a homebody. So yeah, I stayed WAY past time that even his blood family would have. He's one of those guys that can be super sweet, and thoughtful, has a good heart...when he's clean.

The first part of this week, I had 6 law enforcement officers in my home. They said they had a warrant, and you must forgive me for not demanding to see it, guns drawn, and in my house...Luckily our 2 youngest were at a friends house, so they didn't see him get carted away in cuffs again. So the kids weren't worried. However my oldest was woken up and scared. This isn't the first time that he's been picked up at home, but it is the first time that they've had so many officers with guns drawn. We're used to him going to jail, usually for driving without a license and evading. They have him in federal holding, and aren't giving his mother any information at the moment. We aren't even sure what the charges are, he emailed me and said that they are from something that happened 2 years ago....He was gone a lot during that time...Could be anything to be honest. I'm not even sad.

Wow...yeah I'm not even sad. I'm upset that he decided to put the kids through this again. I'm mad that he's putting his mother through this again. However, I've been basically raising our kids alone for the last 6 years or so. The last job he had he was working until they were already asleep, and gone before they left for school. But he was working and bringing in money, he occasionally joined us for a family day, or would play a video game with them on his day off. So I let a lot slide.

My boys are not neglected, they have me. I would walk through fire on glass with a smile for those boys, and they know that I'm always here for them. They know Daddy is going to be gone a long time this time, their only real response was that they just wanted it over already.

My husband is highly addicted to meth. When he's on it, he lies, he sees things (FBI swarming the house) that aren't there, and disappears for long periods of time. He never used at home, I can say that at least. The boys just really know that Daddy has a problem, and that it's drugs. And at 10 and 9 they swear they never want to be like that. I know that may change as they get older, but I try to raise them knowing what the consequences are. Not just the legal stuff, but the people it effects. They know that very well.

This time he's looking at 10 to life. I've always been here, always waited and shouldered the family when he was otherwise occupied (jail or whatever), but this time...I just don't know if I can.

If he gets 10 years on each charge (the minimum) he'll be gone for 20 years, I'm 41 years old. It feels like a little old to be waiting for 20 years for a man that I won't even know by the time he gets out...But on the other hand, I'm 41 years old, that feels a little old to be starting over too.

I have help, my oldest son is 19, and lives with us. He's a huge help, but he won't live here forever (although that's ok if he is lol). My neighbor that I've known forever is a huge help with the outdoor stuff that I can't do and can't afford to pay too much to fix...he's changing the breaks on my van today actually.

I guess I'm here because I'm feeling alone and stupid. Stupid to stay and try to make things work. Stupid to rely on someone I knew I shouldn't. Alone because I'm not a people person, and the only people I really talk to are his family and of course I can't tell them everything I'm feeling. They have their own feelings, and their own struggles.



So as far as advise...how to keep my boys doing right? How to start over? Or how to hold on to someone who I thought I knew inside and out?

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