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Date: 3/11/2021 4:49:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
For further edification, or if you have a curious mind regarding Johnny Rotten, might I suggest viewing a documentary by Julian Temple titled “The Filth and the Fury.” Caution: Not for the closed minded or those with a weak heart.  |
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Date: 3/11/2021 7:27:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
...why do people watch videos of train wrecks, rubberneck at car accidents or follow reports of natural disasters so closely? Everyone that is not directly involved in these scenarios has an interest because they dodged another bullet in their lives and like to watch and see what happens to others that weren't quite as lucky as they were. These lurid accounts of scandal and subterfuge behind once tightly closed doors and secretive castle confines allows the commoners such as ourselves to live vicariously in a world that we would ordinarily never be privy to. Queen Elizabeth is probably these last holdout from a long line of monarchies that have been displaced by industry, science and a general heightening of education. They lack meaning in a modern age but there are those that get a certain joy at watching that airliner go into a tailspin and crash. Elizabeth's son Chucky is a poseur. He attempts to affect a royal stance but, over the years has shown himself to be anything other than a pompous clown that is out of his element, a throwback to mad King George. Prince William is trying to keep up the facade for the sake of tradition but is his heart really in it? Harry on the other hand is much like his great granduncle Edward VIII and has found his own Wallis Simpson and seems to care more about personal happiness than "keeping a stiff upper lip" and perpetuating a bygone era and ideal. Naturally, this doesn't sit well with the people that are grimly clutching at relevance in a modern age.  |
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Date: 3/11/2021 8:36:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
I prefer to watch train wrecks. I think it all started with those old silent movies like " The Perils of Pauline" or Buster Keaton in "The General". But never a big fan of soap opera or for that matter reality t.v. today. Who cares what The Kardashians are up to and why bother keeping up when there are better ways to enrich one's own life and well being. BTW, there's an opening now that Piers Morgan has left the building. You're the perfect chap to fill them shoes! |
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Date: 3/11/2021 12:47:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
https://media4.giphy.com/media/1hMhlrWWfXU77iYnBB/200.gif https://i.imgur.com/6uFEAxP.gif?noredirect https://i.redd.it/i78lm36b3nu41.gif https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/images/e-kardashians-intro-1519659005.jpg |
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Date: 3/11/2021 12:56:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...Good Morning Britain had approached me in a tentative bid to replace Piers Morgan but I had to refuse the offer. They refused my demand to have poutine readily available at all times and, as a counteroffer, told me that I would have my very own car with a bonnet. I will not be seen driving a car with a bonnet. It would look quite childish. I will assume that you're the bloke that put them on to me in the first place. |
Date: 3/11/2021 2:09:00 PM
From Authorid: 42945
Well I for one could careless about the Monarchy...the only one I did have any time for was Diana.  |
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Date: 3/11/2021 3:04:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...well, it looks like Zema is off the Queen' Christmas card list. |
Date: 3/11/2021 6:13:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry  (L.E.D. here) I am having my way with the computer, lately and I figured that I'd check out "the site.". Just glancing over the first page, I see no less than four interesting posts. I am quite impressed, for real. I felt compelled to comment on your post, first; because I like you best and hope that when I do finally dump kronk, you may take me into your care. You see, even though I am an exceptional animal, I need human companionship. I like Hekler, also, but it's just too cold, up there in the "great white north." Anyway.......It is simply amazing that you mention Elizabeth Windsor and a python in the same post.... Late August, 1945 (just a few days after V-J Day), found me on the dock in Okinawa, all set to board the west bound battleship, USS Idaho. I had been assigned a "special scout" role with "Merrill's Marauders," a long range penetration, special operations unit. That was a "somewhat " interesting and rather dangerous, three years. I had pretty much had my fill of Japanese, Burmese and jungle paw rot and was looking forward to a relaxing sea voyage, followed by a bit of quiet time, in the company of a "spiffy" little Doberman pincher, down in Natchez. I was about to "walk the plank" when I felt natures call and decided to "go" behind a bale of silk. No sooner had I "assumed the position," then I felt a searing pain on my left flank and turned to find myself being viscously attacked by a twenty two foot Burmese python. (We found out later that "Admiral X" was bringing the thing home as a souvenir for his cousin.) Well, I'll tell you that it was "nip and tuck" for a while, there. That snake meant to swallow me whole, but remember, I had just spent three years in a Burmese jungle and this was "not my first phython rodeo. So, when "Ba Maw" (I learned his name, later and we became rather good friends on the trip home. You see, "snake" is one of the languages I have mastered, in my time.) attempted to throw his coils and smother me, I promptly ate two feet off his posterior. That encouraged him to release his grip on my flank and before we could further engage, the fight was broken up by the admiral's staff. "Ba Maw" and I convalesced together on the trip home and the admiral still took the snake home, even though it was two feet short of it's advertised length. I went ashore in Liverpool (to take on passengers) and woke up two days later in a "livestock conservatory" in Kent. (Don't ask)...That's when I first met "Lizzie." I actually spent a whole month in her company. She had shed her uniform and her "muftis" (casual clothes) were "to die for." I still smile, when I think of those times, when she held me close onto her bosom, proof against the chill British night.  |
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Date: 3/11/2021 11:10:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Thanks for those invaluable links Hekler. Now I can rest after looping them together. |
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Date: 3/11/2021 11:14:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Re: Refusing your request I’m merely speculating here but isn’t Canada second to Australia in the eyes of the Monarchy.? After all, Prince Harry and Meghan could’ve chose to live there.....and I sure wish they did. |
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Date: 3/11/2021 11:15:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
That’s ok Zema, I’ll be happy to send you a card. |
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Date: 3/11/2021 11:33:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Good to see you L.E.D. I agree, Hekler can be cold and I think he’s oblivious to our four legged friends. Besides, he won’t share the beer. Elizabeth Windsor should be more open to adventures such as the one you’ve detailed here. Imagine the war effort being shortened because every time her majesty made any effort to move the world had to stop everything to tend to her needs. I hear the Royal dog treats are to die for, but I wouldn’t know about that personally. By any chance were you able to have a cigar with the old bulldog himself, Churchill? His sense of humor is fascinating to say the least. What is Ba Maw’s favorite Canadian dish? ( please say it’s poutine) |
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Date: 3/13/2021 6:10:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. writing Regarding my time spent with "Lilibet" and your reference to "royal dog treats." Following WW II, the princess was exceedingly pre occupied with circulating through the masses and providing encouragement to the British people. I chose not to accompany her, preferring to remain at Windsor Castle, feeding on the huge surplus of "bully beef," stored in the castle dungeon, and combing the surrounding countryside for recently widowed fox hounds and spaniels. Elizabeth always returned home in the evenings and showered me with her attentions. Life was good and I probably gained twenty pounds during the course of that month. I would have remained at Windsor a bit longer, but someone gifted the royal family a two year old male "corgi" named Clausewitz. He was a sanctimonious little twit and foolishly challenged me to a duel. The affair ended, with my gouging his left eye out. I stole away immediately, making my way to France and spending three weeks in the Paris catacombs. I later found out that "Lilibet" changed the name of that corgi to "Patch." In regards to Sir Winston Churchill: Back in 1897, having fulfilled the terms of a contract to entrap and deliver four mature, maned, African lions to the owner of a traveling salvation show based in Dubuque, Iowa, I found myself well provisioned and on the brink of booking passage on the "Fish n Chips," a one hundred and sixty foot "snapper smack," bound for the Bimini Islands. The idea of a couple of months of sea wind, broiled red snapper and the packs of semi wild K-9s, reported to abound around "Alice Town," greatly appealed to me. But, before I could make good my plan, who should show up, but kronk. Ugh! Kronk was penniless, as usual, and begged for a sufficient amount of "grog" to ease his pain. I intended to purchase a magnum of extremely cheap rum, send him on his way and make good my escape, but he begged me to listen to his latest "get rich quick" scheme and I fell for it. Without going into great detail, we entered the "Buster Crab," a most unsavory dispensary of rot gut liquor, at 1700 on a Thursday evening and I came awake two weeks later, strapped to a smelly camel, lumbering across some desert, just south of British India's Northwest Frontier. Author's NOTE: To be continued.....I'm out of beer. |
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Date: 3/13/2021 11:10:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Where have I heard the name “Clausewitz “ before? I used to know a guy back in middle school that was keen on overthrowing the older bullies on the school playground by digging tiger traps and using semi automatic slingshots....it’ll come to me. Now the ship toThe Bimini island sounded like a good adventure in the making. Does it have an airbase? Asking for a friend who is into flying drones. And the distance to Florida....uh never mind. So, Kronk ruined your game plan, again? Well that goes with the territory I suppose. Till we meet again. |
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Date: 3/14/2021 6:16:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
BURP!.....Ahhhhh, that's better. Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Sorry about that, brother. Things really do go better with beer. Reply to your reply: Besides being the name of that reckless corgi, the only other Clausewitz I am familiar with was a German soldier who fought in the Napoleonic wars and began writing a book about it. I believe that he died before the book was finished. I never met him, since I was hanging out in North America, with a tribe of Oglala Sioux, during that time period. Yes, indeed, I don't have enough digits to count the times that kronk has steered me wrong. He actually, and more than likely, "accidently" saved my life, at our very first encounter, but our relationship seems to have gone downhill, ever since. Regarding "Ba Maw's" favorite Canadian dish: As I never asked that question of Ba Maw, I cannot say for sure. I did indeed make every effort to avoid the subject of food, in the snake's presence. The length of the sea voyage home was extended by mechanical difficulties and Admiral X had only provided two live donkeys for feeding the python. Those were consumed in the course of four days. The vessel had a limited supply of ship rats and since Ba Maw was given "run of the ship," anything smaller than a compact car, slept with one eye open. I would venture to say that if something in the way of an unwary Canadian would have presented itself, Ba Maw would have had no qualms about devouring it. Now, where did I leave off? Oh, yes, strapped to a camel in Afghanistan. When I first regained consciousness, I had an extreme case of distemper and felt extremely hungry. Deciding that complete silence and surprise would serve me best, I began quietly chewing through my restraints. My plan being to attack and kill the human being who was managing the camel and devour them both. But, at the last moment, I was moved to compassion for the poor innocents and held back. (Actually, I looked around and saw that the caravan I found myself a part of, consisted of at least eight hundred and forty seven Indian sepoys, (soldiers) all armed with 1853 Lee Enfield Pattern rifles, chambered in .577 calibre. Such a large projectile does, in fact, wreak havoc with anything it may come in contact with.) Anyway, the sepoy guiding the camel turned out to be a really nice fellow. He called himself Kundan and told me that the caravan was part of a relief force bound for a beleaguered British fortress. Kundan graciously presented me with three "large naked soled gerbils" from his food ration, which instantly refreshed me. Later in the day, I reciprocated by running down an ibex, which we barbequed at the next oasis. After the ibex feast, I questioned Kundan to find out how "in the wide, wide, world of sports," was it that I ended up tied to a camel and sent off to war, in the first place. Kundan said that a fellow who looked to be British, but not quite so, offered him 1.5 Japanese yen, to transport his "alcoholic pet dog" to the site of the upcoming hostilities. Naturally, I swore to myself that I would immediately slay kronk, if I ever set eyes on him, again. Author's NOTE: There is absolutely no way that I can go on. I "definitely" need more beer, now. |
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Date: 3/14/2021 10:40:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Fascinating! You knew the exact number of people in your caravan to be 847 while dealing with distemper and the side effects it causes. Did you get a decent tan while journaling the adventure? The zen field rifles you mentioned, would they be a bit of overkill when hunting small game? Asking for a friend. And didn’t I see one of those Ibex you spoke of on the cover of a Rolling Stones album? Got to get that recipe from you. And lastly, don’t be too harsh in regards to Kronk. I’m sure he had his reasons but don’t let it be a divisive force. |
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Date: 3/15/2021 11:14:00 AM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) In reply to your comment concerning my "preternatural perception" and tanning ability: My first ever memory has to do with a time when something, or other, had laid waste to much of the world around me. Smoldering volcanoes, hurricane winds and the rotting carcasses of millions of giant lizards is what I remember most. (I am not sure, but I think that I may have started life as a scavenger. Heaven knows, there was enough meat lying around, and the weather was getting colder, also.) Yes, initially, there was a lot to eat, which was good, but I had to be especially wary of the many other opportunistic creatures, bent on survival, during those troubled times. For example: It would not do, to be out in the open, munching out on an iguanodon haunch, and then be taken unawares by a pack of "cave hyena." (eight feet high, at the shoulder) Back in those days, "To be seen; was to be eaten." Therefore, in a sense, I developed "eyes in the back of my head." I also learned how to dig myself into the ground, at the rate of "three feet per second." (extremely powerful fore legs) That talent came in handy many times. I did have to be aware of the strata over which I was feeding. I could not dig through rock. In fact, I do not "tan." My skin color is a deep shade of black and over that is a layer of downy grey fur, which is in turn covered with rather course hair, in divers shades of white, red and blue. (rather patriotic, wouldn't you say?) If you saw me, you would more than likely class me as a "Red Australian Heeler." Which brings us to the .577 caliber Enfield rifle. While it may be true that "some people" might actually instigate a life or death contest with a creature the size of an adult Alaskan brown bear, armed only with a Hawaiian shark tooth war club, I would not. I don't used firearms, being a "tooth and claw" kind of dog, but if I did use them, I would certainly want a weapon that would, shall we say, "drop `em in their tracks." ...and yet, another Author's NOTE: My god! At this rate, we'll never get to Churchill! But, be that as it may, yes, you guessed it....More beer |
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Date: 3/15/2021 7:31:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) I have returned....hic up... Let's see? We were discussing an ibex "on the cover of the Rolling Stone?" No, that's not right. We were discussing "Bridges to Babylon," an album by the Rolling Stones, with the image of an Assyrian lion, rearing up on it's hind legs. (rampant) Maybe, but I wouldn't swear to it. Anyway...... Let's try and get to Churchill, shall we.  I sense that you have a degree of respect for Sir Winston Churchill, no? I think that you do, as I do, myself. Men of action, or for that matter, beasts of action, seem to sense that in another. The various search engines of today can reveal much about Sir Winston, therefore I shall only relate to you my own limited interaction with him. As it was, the British garrison of the town of "Nowshera" (British India; now Pakistan, on the border with Afghanistan) was in a "bit of a pickle." It seems that Britain, in it's infinite wisdom, decided to "re-define" the border between the two countries. This border had only stood, as it was, for over three thousand years. The indigenous peoples of the vicinity took this move rather badly, raised a new religious leader and gathered together a ten thousand man army, to "protest." The leader of the "insurgents" was a fellow by the name of Saidullah, the Sartor Fakir, otherwise known to his people as "lewanai faqir" (intoxicated of god) and to the British as the "Mad Mullah." Saidullah swore to sweep away the British and inspire a "jihad," then proceeded to place his army in the heights around Nowshera and pour lead onto the hapless garrison. The "relief division," my group of sepoys, along with a 9,153 count of mixed Indian and British cavalry and some infantry, was under the command of one "Major General Sir Bindon Blood." Having declared as much, I am forced to "back track," yet again. (Two weeks prior. "The Buster Crab Saloon," Miami, FLA.) Kronk---My old friend. It's so good to see you. Would you happen to have five hundred American dollars that you could loan me. I could repay you next spring. L.E.D.---Ugh! I figured as much. You are shameless. Get out! Kronk---You can't throw me out of here. This is a public place. L.E.D---Do you have any money to pay for your drinks? Kronk---Why, no. I'm broke. L.E.D.---Bartender! This man is trying to rob me. Could you please kick him out. BARTENDER---Why certainly, sir. LURCH! LURCH---Yes, sir. BARTENDER---Cast that scum into the street and damage his nose, while you're at it! LURCH---Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. Come here, you! Kronk---momma L.E.D.---Wait! Stop! Never mind. Everything is alright. Here LURCH; please take this dollar for your trouble. Bartender, please bring me a bottle and two glasses. and that, is when I made my "first mistake." Author's NOTE: We'll get this done, eventually, I hope. I have to go to the 7-11. |
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Date: 3/16/2021 4:19:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
It’s a very interesting piece of history you got to be. part of,that’s for sure. Does mankind ever learn from the past? Tell you what, when you get to your nearest 7-11 use the code word Boris is bad enuff and your beer will be put on my tab. Cheers! |
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Date: 3/16/2021 5:44:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Yes, indeed. History is quite interesting. Humans, I believe, are fully capable of "learning from the past." If they ever have the opportunity, that is. Sadly, recorded history and "the past" are usually the first things that any self respecting conqueror seeks to eradicate. (or, in some cases; restructure, to suit) Many thanks for allowing me to "put it on your tab." I was, however, a bit confused when the clerk stated: "Yes, sir I will put your purchase on Mr. Hekler's tab, but there is a $2.00 max." I managed to scrape up another $1.75 and bought myself a bottle of muscatel. All good. |
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Date: 3/16/2021 6:27:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
A slight misunderstanding L.E.D., Boris has had previously dealt with Hekler a nd he is a slippery slope for sure. In the future text me for an update for codes and in the meantime send me a Bill. As long as a ducks.... Here’s to to good friends, Lowenbrau.... |
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Date: 3/17/2021 7:17:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
"I'm a wild one, I'm a wild one I'm a wild one, oh baby I'm a wild one Gotta break it loose Gonna keep 'em movin' wild Gonna keep a-swingin' baby I'm a real wild child" Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Oh, Lordy! Extremely cheap muscatel and "Iggy Pop!" Ought' to be able to get something done with that combination. Let's get right to it, shall we? Sure.... (Who said that?)I have to admit that I was curious to hear what ridiculous proposal kronk would present in order to separate me from my money. "Curiosity killed the cat" and all that, but I am what I am and that's all there is to it. It seems that, earlier this year, (1897) a fellow named Bram Stoker, did write and have published, a novel called "Dracula." Kronk was incensed at the news and steadfastly maintained that he and "Stoker" had met and discussed the plot, on numerous occasions before publication. Kronk also claimed to have contributed invaluable first hand and eye witness testimony regarding the primary subject of the work, one "Count V. Dracula, Transylvania, Romania." Actually, I do remember kronk going missing for a few years in the thirteenth century and looking quite pale and anemic, upon his return. But, he was for ever going off and I had long ceased trying to keep track of his comings and goings. About the second bottle, I was actually becoming "somewhat" intrigued by his plan. According to kronk, the British government was set to field an expeditionary force to Northern India to "support" a change of policy in the area. L.E.D.---So, how might British foreign policy have anything to do with your wanting my five hundred dollars? kronk---I need the money to buy myself a commission in the British army. L.E.D.---What? Why don't you just enlist in the British army? Last time I checked, it didn't cost anything. I believe they will actually pay you something for your time. kronk---You don't expect me to join up as a private soldier, do you? Way too much drudgery. I need to go in as second lieutenant, at least. L.E.D.---I don't think that's possible. kronk---It is possible. I "know" someone; but I need your five hundred dollars to bribe them. L.E.D.---Oh, of course; and what has any of this to do with Stoker's book, pray tell? kronk---Stoker refused to recognize me for my contributions. He has made it clear that he will not share any of the proceeds. Therefore, I plan on researching, writing and have published, my own gothic vampire thriller. L.E.D---I'm trying, very hard, to grasp this. Please tell me why it is imperative that you attain the rank of second lieutenant in the British army, if all you want to do is write a book. kronk---Because, the expeditionary force, soon to be in route to Northern India, is to be commanded by Major General Sir Bindon Blood and it is imperative that I make myself available to be installed into the Major General's close staff. The "someone" I know, will arrange it. (for $500.00) L.E.D.---Am I missing something, here? What is so special about this Major General Sir Bidon Blood, that you need to follow him to India? I thought that you wanted to write a book. kronk---Well, it's obvious, isn't it? The man is undoubtedly a vampire. I intend to gain his confidence, eventually expose him and use the experience to write my book. L.E.D.---Ohhhh, I see. Here's money. Now, be a good fellow and order us another bottle while I go "tap a kidney" and we'll continue our discussion. ....And that is when I made my "second mistake." |
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Date: 3/19/2021 3:20:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Yes, very interesting and all. But what can you get for $250 ? |
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Date: 3/19/2021 9:02:00 AM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry For $250. that "certain someone" could have you placed, as a corporal, into the Medical division. (Barber / Surgeon) Provided you did not have an aversion to blood, sawing off appendages, or handling live leeches. After the mandatory twenty one year enlistment period, you went back into civilian life with a viable profession. |
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Date: 3/19/2021 9:04:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Kinda has that “Sweeney Todd” feel to it. Sign me up! |
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Date: 3/19/2021 7:06:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Yes, you'd think that having existed for over sixty five million years, I would know better than to leave kronk alone with my drink. As I recall, upon my returning from "the loo," he poured me a drink, proposed a toast, and asked, once again, for the five hundred dollars. I "bottomed up" the glass and said "why, no; of course not." I woke up two weeks later, strapped to that camel in Afghanistan. So, we reached the beleaguered town of Nowshera and "in typical British fashion," entered the town as though we already owned it. The place was deathly quiet; not a soul moving about, not even a chicken. I found this rather odd and mentioned my unease to Kundan, who agreed, and forthwith turned his camel and began moving back the way we had come. It was about the time that a near by sergeant major began chastising him, that the surrounding hills erupted in withering rifle fire. (Those of us who survived that onslaught, later learned that the garrison of the town was sheltered in place and had been for the last three days and nights.) We lost close to a thousand, men, camel, and horse, on that first day and were compelled to make camp "out of rifle range" and await reinforcements, who were two hundred miles away. The enemy chose to remain on the high ground around the town and we settled in for at least a four day wait. Kundan was overjoyed to receive a battlefield promotion. Major General Blood paraded Private 2nd Class Kundan, the camel and I through camp and on that first day. I encountered both kronk and Churchill. "Winston" was already a lieutenant/junior war correspondent, and was thirsting for action. I found kronk peeling potatoes in the mess. It seems kronk had indeed acquired his illegitimate commission, but rather than 2nd lieutenant-field, his title was "chef, to the Major General." Kronk was demoted to "Private-PPP" (Permanent Potato Peeler) after the Major General nearly choked to death on his first offering; a fricasseed leg of ibex.) But let's leave poor kronk to his potatoes.....2nd Lieutenant Churchill, charged with providing an account of the "rescue operation," requested that my sepoy friend Kundan be assigned to him. Major General Blood signed the order and Kundan rose in rank, yet again, to Private First Class. The camel and I were retained by Kundan and given the rank of "ordinary "beast." The camel was a decent enough type, but suffered from excessive flatulence and was prone to biting. Within hours, it was transferred to potato peeling. Young Winston and Kundan volunteered to reconnoiter the surrounding countryside and were provided with a pair of coal black three year old Arabian mares. (All the scouting had to be done at night, because the hills were still filled with the extremely sharp eyed enemy riflemen.) I was equipped with custom saddle bags and sent out, also after dark, with ten pound parcels of potato pancakes, to feed the town's starving garrison. (They were too afraid to leave the cellars, even after dark.) Back in those days, I was extremely fleet of foot and had great endurance. I averaged seventeen trips per night. I wasn't exactly thrilled about my assignment, but the guys were near to starving and I had no desire to peel potatoes all day, either. Just thinking of those time makes me thirsty. |
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Date: 3/20/2021 6:11:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Wow L.E.D., I too would've made 17 trips as well just to get out of PPP duty not to mention the camel that breaks wind. Poor Kronk seems to miss out on all the fun. Out of curiosity. how long did it take to recover the dead and bury them? And waiting on help to arrive seemed very nerve wracking to say the least. Are camels allergic to baking soda? |
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Date: 3/20/2021 6:41:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Although I had intended to leave out the account, I believe that all pertinent inquiries should be responded to. In fact, it was quite impossible to recover the dead from Nowshera. The hostiles had no reason to negotiate a cease fire, since they had suffered no casualties of their own, and hidden, as they were, in the hills surrounding the town, they took pot shots at anything that moved, below. In the hundred, plus, degree heat, it did not take long for the putrid remains to really stink up the place. The best we could do was move our camp around, according to the prevailing wind. I suffered more that most, as I was making those "potato pancake runs," every night. "War is no fun. That's for sure." Things did get somewhat better after a time, though. On the fourth day after the massacre, we spotted a plume of dust on the southern horizon and began rejoicing. Our reinforcements had arrived! We would show these heathens and their "Mad Mullah" what, for messing with "the empire." Indeed! Yes, spirits were high, until the sharp eyed Kundan commented on the diminutive size of the distant plume. He, quite logically, commented that 14,000 mounted men and hundreds of heavily laden wagons, might kick up a "bit more dust, than that." All the same, we all gave a hearty hurrah when the five riders rode into our mist. There were also three Missouri mules in the party. One pulled a carriage mounted Maxim QF 1 pounder Autocannon (pom pom gun) and another mule drew a medium duty, GS Supply Wagon, loaded with ammunition for the autocannon. The third mule drew an American prairie schooner, filled to overflowing with Irish potatoes. Impressive, eh? The Major General deemed it would be counter productive to make use of the weapon, except in a last ditch defensive action. (You see, the number of hostiles had nearly doubled in the past four days and we were reluctant to provoke them, since our reinforcements were delayed for another three to four weeks.) Ugh! |
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Date: 3/21/2021 7:03:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Yes, so true, those words, "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray." (Robert Burns said that.) Although we were somewhat disappointed by the news that our reinforcements were unavoidably delayed, we sucked it up, unloaded the potato wagon, slaughtered the three mules and set "Private PPP" kronk and his gaseous camel to begin preparing a great "mule meat and Irish potato feast." Young Churchill, Kundan and Major General Blood, after sharing a double magnum bottle of Irish Whiskey, (found in the potato wagon. Gotta' love the Irish) came up with a plan to rescue the isolated garrison of Nowshera. I was present at the meeting, also, but since I don't drink whiskey, I was unable to "grasp" the plan as clearly as the others. I did voice a concern that all involved might quite possibly end up dead, but after some deliberation, it was determined that the garrison's "goose was cooked," unless something was done. After all, the poor wretches were about out of water, had been on a potato pancake diet for the last five days and were sure to hold it against us if they were not invited to the "mule and Irish potato" feast. Another classic example of "whiskey logic" winning out, in the end. The Plan: At 2335, Churchill, Kundan, Major General Blood and myself were to dash across "no man's land," make our way into Nowshera, go from cellar to cellar, gathering what was left of the garrison and all meet up in the town square. Then, at precisely 2359, the lot of us would "run for it." Simple enough? Not quite! The next part of the plan is what troubled me most. The whiskey drinkers had also decided that the idea of holding the auto cannon in reserve was ridiculous and that if ever there was a time to "go on the offensive," that time was now. Soooooooo, since volunteers to man the gun were few and as fate would have it....None other than "PPP Kronk" sat behind the gun and the "gassy camel" was hitched up and ready to go. Oh Lord! The gun crew was under strict orders to hold position until the enemy began firing and not to enter the fray at all, if there was no challenge to our escape. Not a sound came from the surrounding hills as we gathered the soldiers. At 2358 we were all gathered in the square and ready to run. When the time came, we moved out and still no response from the enemy. This was actually going quite well. We had only two hundred yards to go and then we would be out of range. When.....from the direction of our encampment; we heard thundering hooves, a wild banshee scream and then, no less than 2000 rounds of continuous fire, into the hills behind us. Kronk and the camel tore through the line of rescuers and swung wide, all the while raking the surrounding hills with 37mm ball. Well, that woke up the hostiles and we were soon being peppered with considerable shot, though the distance was far too great for any degree of accuracy. Miraculously, only two men received minor flesh wounds, but the Major General's new bear skin cap took a round and was damaged beyond repair. (More potatoes for kronk) |
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Date: 3/22/2021 5:43:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here)Well, so much for that. The mule and Irish Potato feast went well. The sepoy, Kundan, had taken charge of the cooking and proved to be a "chef in the rough." Major General Blood promoted Kundan, yet again, this time to the rank of "sergeant major in charge of chow." Blood then reassigned kronk and the gaseous camel to temporary perimeter guard. They rode around all night, firing the "pom pom" gun into the enemy positions, while the rest of us enjoyed our feed. The wing ding lasted until 0430, at which point, we were forced to break camp and beat a hasty retreat. Temporary perimeter guard kronk had gone through approximately 48,000 rounds of ammunition, melted down two gun barrels and the hostile force was coming down off the hills. Yes, I really thought that we were done for, as we only had a couple thousand rounds left to cover our retreat. Major General Blood had the division armorer adjust the autocannon to a "one shot burst" firing sequence and then he assigned kronk and the camel to "rear guard" duty. Anyway, first light found the hostile force a mere 500 meters behind us and gaining rapidly. Our "rear guard" was nowhere to be found and the division had halted and formed rank to absorb the charge. Nope, it did not look good, BUT then, the morning sun rose over the desert and the "Mad Mullah" and his horde halted, executed an about face and rode back the way that they had come. What? Sergeant Major Kundan explained that today just happened to be "Eid-al-Fitr," a holiday to mark the end of the Islamic month of Ramadan, during which Muslims fast during the hours of daylight and more importantly; no blood could be spilled. So there you have it. What a break, eh? The division under took a rather leisurely pace back into India and soon after, the "rear guard" conveniently reappeared. Major General Bidon Blood went on to serve in South Africa. (a bit of a disagreement with the Boers) His personal chef, "Colonel" Kundan accompanied him. Lieutenant Winston Churchill wrote a book about the campaign and then spent some time in Bangalore. (working on some sort of relay) Kronk was promoted to Private 2nd class (Permanent Potato Peeler) and soon after, deserted. "Gassy," the camel was sold to an important Berber chieftain, but was later shot for contaminating the stable. and....After being honorably discharged, I made my way down to Egypt and shacked up with a fine little "black backed jackal" named "Bahiti." How about a beer? |
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Date: 3/23/2021 2:34:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Sure, after all that, I’ll buy. |
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Date: 3/24/2021 3:36:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Hey Larry (L.E.D. here) Thank you very much...."Rose lipted lassies and light footed lads" |
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Date: 3/30/2021 7:49:00 AM
From Authorid: 27403
I would quite miss the royal gossip! LOL Lightworker  |
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Date: 4/7/2021 6:58:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Lightworker I can hardly believe my eyes! Hoping that you are well. Welcome back to the show. |
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