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Date: 2/26/2021 7:08:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
February 26, 2021 Good morning Mr. Larry At this time, I would like to offer my deepest apology for the delay in returning your correspondence. My company was involved in a hasty relocation of our central office as a result of an international effort to enact a hostile takeover. We have now renewed our business operations in the beautiful city of Abuja and are very interested and excited by your proposal to join with us as a freelance associate. As previously mentioned, your duties will involve the printing of payroll checks and the true beauty of your involvement is that you will be that you will also be responsible for printing your own paycheck. No more waiting for your dismal mail service to deliver your compensation for your services rendered. If you are still interested in this position and desire a chance to enter a rapidly growing operation at ground level with high advancement opportunities, please rease respond at your earliest convenience. Yours truly, Alex K Lewis 1313 Sani Abacha Way, Suite 666 Nigeria 900231  |
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Date: 2/26/2021 7:15:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
February 26, 2021 Greetings and salutions once again Mr. Larry! Due to the hiring of an innefficient secretary, you may have noticed that a typo may have occured in the previous email. Please rest assured that this will not happen again as the perpetrator has been shot. Still ours truly, Alex K Lewis 1313 Sani Abacha Way, Suite 666 Abuja, Nigeria 900231 |
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Date: 2/26/2021 7:20:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
February 26, 2021 Mr. Larry We need more qualified personnel like yourself in this company. As you may have noticed, the secretary we hired to replace the secretary that was shot has also made a typo in the last missive to you. She has also been shot. Many apologies for these mistakes. As ever, Alex K Lewis 1313 Sani Abacha Way, Suite 666 Abuja, Nigeria 900231 |
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Date: 2/26/2021 7:34:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
February 26, 2021 Dear Mr. Larry I am the Mr. Lewis' most recent secretary. Due to a mistake I made in the header of his latest correspondence, I fear for my safety and expect to be shot. Are there possibilities for a nice girl to gain employment in your lovely country of Arkansas? I will be the best secretary you have ever known and will work tirelessly for you. I hate to rush you in this matter but my time is running out. Desperately, Abidemi Abubakar 1313 Sani Abacha Way, Suite 666 Abuja, Nigeria 900231 P.S. If it would not be too much of an inconvenience, could you supply an advance loan against my future pay so that I might have the airfare required to your most excellent country? I beg this of you, Abidemi |
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Date: 2/26/2021 8:13:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
LMAO! Dear Abidimi, As you your recent request I am more than happy to assist you in your desire to become a citizen. I must however, refer you to my personal assistant, lawyer, and accountant to write you a check. Please send all important measurements, photos, and likes and dislikes along with a self addressed stamped envelope to: Mr. HEKLER 1313 MOCKINGJAY LANE DEEPHOLE, CANADA  |
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Date: 2/26/2021 9:07:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
...Hey Larry...if I may, I'd like to offer a word of advice and suggest that you approach this business venture with a maximum of caution. There is something malodorous about this whole thing and I can't say that I am overly impressed with their HR department and termination practices. I applaud your benevolence regarding this Abidemi Abubakar woman along with your concern for her continued existence. I will make an attempt to contact her posthaste. |
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Date: 2/26/2021 10:13:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
...Hey Larry... I was FINALLY able to get patched through to that phone number you supplied. There must be some issues with the TransAtlantic cable and, with the Nigerian phone system being stuck of 1940s vintage, I spent a lot of time listening to a dead receiver. You will be billed for this as well. After I managed to ring through, I was able to speak with Miss Abubakar - briefly. The line there must have been bad as I could barely hear her and it almost seemed like she was whispering. Then, there was a loud bang, a thud and the phone was slammed down. It is my belief that she may have had a change of heart with regard to seeking employment from you. Shall I make another attempt to contact her? Please advise. |
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Date: 2/26/2021 10:54:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Wow! Did you apprentice under Rudy? What am I paying you for anyway? Good luck trying to collect on the trans Atlantic calls let alone for your services.. |
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Date: 2/26/2021 10:57:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
...if you don't pay me I'll sweat all over your posts. |
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Date: 2/26/2021 11:00:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
All right, all right..don't get your gorilla glue in a bunch. Why not try and see if we can smooth talk our way into building a golf resort over then, and have them pay for it? And it's needs a helipad also. |
Date: 2/26/2021 10:11:00 PM
From Authorid: 42945
That's so funny I needed a good laugh..lol  |
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Date: 2/26/2021 11:11:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Thanks Zema! Since this posting Hekler has managed to secure a loan from Deutsche bank ...... |
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Date: 2/27/2021 7:27:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
...I told you that I lost my shoe off the river bank. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR HEARING? |
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Date: 2/27/2021 9:02:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
.....huh? |
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Date: 2/27/2021 10:41:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
February 28, 2021 Dearest Mr. Larry I am writing to thank you once again for the job offer but I am afraid that circumstances have changed here and I will have to decline. I believe it to be the best course of action for both of our sakes. As I was speaking to yor attorney a couple of days ago, Mr. Alex K Lewis entered the room and was attempting to eavesdrop on the conversation. He then proceeded to 'let his fingers do the walking' and Nigeria does not have Yellow Pages if you can understand what I am trying to convey. The bang Mr. Hekler referred to was me pulling out a desk drawer and ramming it into Mr. Lewis' groin followed by me hitting him over the head with the telephone. He didn't seem too well after that so I shot him to put him out of his misery. It was kind of you to send General Hekler over here to take over the country until such a time as the tyranny here ceases and we begin our new experiment in democracy. Normally, I might offer to be the mother of your children but General Hekler tells me that you look like a hound that was run over by a pickup truck and then hit by a train. I am not usually the type of person to be swayed by physical appearances but the real game ender was when I heard that you are not to be trusted around camels. I don't think he was referring to a brand of American cigarette. Live long and prosper! Abidemi Abubakar 1313 Sani Abacha Way, Suite 666 Abuja, Nigeria 900231 |
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Date: 2/28/2021 3:35:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
February 28th, 2021 My dear Abidemi, It’s with great joy in my heart that circumstances have changed for the better. Even though I was really looking forward to your employment here I realize as you do that this is for the best. After all you are the captain of your own ship in life. “ General” Hekler has gone to great lengths and personal sacrifice to see to it that your country gets back on its feet. He was even willing to miss worshiping at the altar today at the CPAC convention in Florida. He always was attracted to bright shiny objects and has quite the knack for avoiding process servers and tying things up in the court system . I am sure this will be a great opportunity for your country as The General is an opportunistic wheeler dealer. And if your country is rich in natural resources then no doubt he’ll help himself in the name of making your nation great again. Also, as long as the money holds out, he’ll work very hard at keeping your nation great. In regards to being the mother of my children no thanks are necessary. Just make sure the payment we agreed upon is transferred to my offshore account. The General is quite generous with his description of me, so that should tell you something about his low life tendencies and Street thug mentality. So watch out, he is a silver tounge devil. I will live long and prosper As long as the checks keep coming! Yours, Mr. Larry |
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Date: 2/28/2021 10:24:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
February 28, 2021 Hey Larry Abidemi has mentioned that she had once again been in contact with you and that your response was full of glowing praise for my abilities and high moral values. Let me be honest with you. This is one of the toughest assignments I've ever been on as your representative and I am learning new things every day that I'm here. The first thing I learned is that the locals mistrust outsiders so I have taken steps to "blend in" with the native folk. Abidemi has a good head on her shoulders and we have been working long and hard to find solutions to cure this war-torn country and make it an African paradise worthy of tourism and international trade. I was astounded by the knowledge that Nigeria contains over 500 miles of ocean coastline with beautiful beachfronts. I recently "rescued" some of this property from a local warlord and the two of us are in deep planning to make it a success. I am behind her all the way and will endeavor to get on top of it. This job make take longer than I had originally assessed and I may be here for a lengthy visit. You may be required to make arrangements for an interim counselor until my return but at this point I cannot estimate when that might be. After discussing the problems here with Abidemi, it seems to get longer and longer and much harder. I will keep you posted and up to date as to my penetration into local affairs. In the meantime, take care of yourself and keep me in your prayers. Your faithful servant, General Hekler Elegushi Beach, Lagos, Nigeria 105102 P.S. I have enclosed a photo of myself and Abidemi at work on our first project. https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/50989729261_a5548591ac_o.jpg |
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Date: 2/28/2021 11:25:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
02 /28/ 21 Greetings Hekler, I trust you aren’t settling in and making yourself comfortable over there. Recently, and even before then, I did some research and reconnaissance that makes me glad you are the one to travel abroad. Below are some examples. Even your own country ofCanada had this to say : Nigeria - AVOID NON-ESSENTIAL TRAVEL Avoid non-essential travel to Nigeria due to the unpredictable security situation throughout the country and the significant risk of terrorism, crime, inter-communal clashes, armed attacks and kidnappings. Regional risk level - Avoid all travel Avoid all travel to the following regions due to the risk of terrorism, armed attacks, kidnapping, intercommunal and sectarian violence: the north-western states of Kaduna, Kano, Katsina, Sokoto and Zamfara the north-central state of Plateau the north-eastern states of Adamawa, Bauchi, Borno, Gombe, Jigawa and Yobe the Niger Delta states of Akwa Ibom, Anambra, Bayelsa, Delta, Imo and Rivers (with the exception of Rivers’ capital city, Port Harcourt, where we advise against non-essential travel) IResponsible Travel, INC advice on the best time to go to Nigeria,and I quote......NEVER!!!! The NCC or Nutjob Comminication Committee says that only the criminally inclined would dare travel Nigeria. Sane people automatically know better. With that being said, I wish you well and don’t bother me in the future regarding ransom payments, hostile takeovers, looting, etc. |
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Date: 2/28/2021 11:46:00 AM
From Authorid: 5301
February 28, 2021 Dear naysayer Things are already much improved over here and we are currently in talks with the Disney people with respect to building a theme park here. Abidemi and I are in agreement that all the violence stems from a lack of fun-filled family entertainment. If you spent more time finding the silver linings to your never-ending supply of clouds, you might find yourself being elected to a high government position, such as I have managed to do here. In the meantime, Abidemi assures me that for me to get more "inside information" she will require a blank check for use in bribing the holdouts. Oh, before I forget, a 2021 Porsche 911 Turbo S. You may wire these funds to my new offshore account in the Caymans at your earliest convenience and have the car sent to the Presidential Palace. Always a pleasure, King Hekler c/o Aso Villa Abuja, Nigeria 900231 |
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Date: 2/28/2021 1:12:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Dear Hekler, I want you to muster all the power you have to decipher this message..... I am holding up three fingers and it’s not a Boy Scout salute. Never contact me again, I will deny ever knowing you. Oh, Abidemi had a sex change on the advice of Caitlyn, best of luck to both of you. Warmest regards, |
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Date: 2/28/2021 1:43:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
February 28, 2021 Mr. Lucky! Congratulations! Your 3 billion dollar bid for the country of Nigeria has won the auction! Please be advised that your winning bid DOES NOT include mineral or resources right. I will retain those personally. As the lucky bidder, you will be happy to know that the average median age of the Nigerian population is 18.2 years old and you will have no need to outsource labor as Nigeria has a population of 179 million people and a high fertility rate. A fun fact is that Nigeria's power goes out at an average of ten times a day so you could live here and take many trips to Cancun. What a bonus for you! Another fun fact is You can fit up to 20 chickens on top of your car if you ever need to. Deemed to be the world’s happiest nation by World Values Survey Nigeria is now YOUR happiest nation. I hope you can accept your good fortune! HA HA SUCKER! Hekler, The Golden Lord of Nigeria c/o Aso Villa Abuja, Nigeria 900231 |
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Date: 2/28/2021 1:48:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Does your country import bologna? Cause you sure are full of it..... |
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Date: 2/28/2021 2:03:00 PM
From Authorid: 5301
February 28, 2021 Dear Mr. Hey Larry No, I'm not. I did some fact checking and the information I passed along can be verified. Beyond that, Canadians love bologna! Especially Mexican bologna if you can find some. Bless you, The Almighty Hekler of Nigeria c/o Aso Villa Abuja, Nigeria 900231 |
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Date: 3/6/2021 6:58:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Good Evening, Mr. Hey Larry, Please do not delete this message, until you have read it in it's entirety. Do not share this message with any government agency. To do so, will void this most remarkable opportunity at financial security. Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am "Francisco de Orellana XXXVII." Undoubtedly, you are familiar with my namesake? He, who it was that named the Amazon river. My ancestor renamed the "River Maranon," to the Amazon, after the nation of warrior women that he encountered there in the 16th century. Yes, that is how the river got it's name. Allow me to "splain" that my ancestor "Francisco de Orellana I" was not just walking through South American jungle, with no purpose. He was in fact seeking the legendary "Girdle of Hippolyte, the queen of the Amazons," and did, "in defacto" find that treasure. Yes, it's true. I am sure that you must "aware" that any extremely rich and powerful woman would pay a fortune for such a girdle, of which I have possession on. Unfortunately, I write to you from Turkish prison. Keeper of prison says that 1,230. United States dollars will buy my freedom. I will be "frankly" with you, Mister Hey Larry. I need as many U.S. dollars as you can spare. I would be "wilting" to share with you, enormous profit from the sale of item. Please hurry! Girdle has been stored in muggy jungle for 489 years. Send "remittancey" to my attorney: Grace C Luna, Ave OU812, Apt 6, (North) Las Vegas, Nevada Anxiously yours, Fran  |
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Date: 3/6/2021 10:01:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Dear “Fran,” I have tried to contact my former lawyer who is currently The Golden Lord of Nigeria. He, unfortunately, has all of my many American dollars and has invested in Aardvark Farming as he says it’s the meat second only to chicken. Also, he is currently overseeing the construction of a hyena race track and casino which is taking up a lot of his time and a lot of my money. The best I can send to you at this time is the stash of Trump coins I was saving for a rainy day. Good as gold, tribute to The Orange Face King. A must have. Please let me know ASAP cuz once they’re gone then I am too! Regards, |
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Date: 3/7/2021 12:10:00 PM
From Authorid: 21435
Dear, Mr. Hey Larry, tanrı övülecek !!! oh, eh, I mean, dios sea alabado !! Yes, indeed, Mr. Hey Larry; God is good! Thank you so much for your extremely generous offer. I will be forever in your "death," and because of your kindness, I have decided to reward you with an even more "ludicrous" offer of self enrichment. First off, I would respectfully advise "yourself" to forget about the fore mentioned Amazon queen's girdle. It has "become" to my attention that "the girdle" was much to small to be of interest to most extremely powerful and wealthy women. (girls size 2. It would seem that Hippolyte, the queen of the Amazons, was a pygmy.) "Father more," the most sacred area that the girdle was hidden in has been trampled, beyond hope of repair, by thousands of pilgrims from Buenos Aires, in route to The United States of America. If, in your most unimaginable generosity, you would send even one of the "The Orange Face King" coins, that will be enough to buy my freedom and set me up in a villa on the south of France, near Nice, right next door to "Tina Turner." Once again, I am "externally" in your debt....... all days, Fran PS...Be sure to send your current return address. I know "certain people" who deal in valuable currencies and cassowary eggs. xo |
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Date: 3/7/2021 1:02:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 5940
Consider it done, send my love to Tina! What’s love got to do with it...... |
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