So there's a lot going on. And a lot of background info I need to include.
About two months ago, I discovered that my fiance (who I've been with for 8 years) was having an emotional affair with a coworker. It had only been going on for a couple months but it got very intense and he developed strong feelings for her. Then followed two months of a lot of confusion for him which led to more betrayal. He at first kept her on his social media, then finally blocked her everywhere except Snapchat. He took her off Snapchat finally, but she would confront him about it and manipulate him into adding her back. He even had two instances where he made a secret Smapchat account to hide their communication. He has since seemed to have cut off outside communication, and I check his phone regularly...but it still hurts. He was still telling her sweet things like I didn't even exist. He also hung out with her once after I discovered the aggair, and kissed her and lied to me about it. The messed up thing is that he didn't kiss her before, it was AFTER I found out. He does seem remorseful, but I'm obviously still struggling to cope with all this.
We had been going through a very tough time and pushed each other away...but he also holds grudges against me for things I did in the past. I have always been insecure, and got into the habit of going through his phone because I was convinced he was talking to other girls. (Ironically, my doing that is one thing that actually caused him to cheat.) I would challenge any little thing I found on his phone and he felt like he had no privacy.
A major thing I did was get us into A LOT of debt. $20,000 to be exact. It slowly built up over the past 6 or 7 years, and I had taken out a loan to pay off the debt I had....but once I got the loan and freed up my credit cards, I started using them again which got us into even more debt. I hid that debt from him because I felt so embarrassed and scared...that was wrong of me. Then I would nag him to look for a better job because we were broke all the time and weren't making progress toward our wedding and getting a car, and I already work full time. Once I finally told him about the debt, he rightly felt angry because he was basically giving me his paychecks to pay the minimums on the credit cards, plus all our other expenses and anything I wanted. I didn't just spend on me, but still...
On top of that he was always tired because of the weird hours he used to work and I would still ask him to help me at my job (I work at an animal shelter and he would volunteer if I needed help).
I entered into a debt settlement program but it seems to be making it worse. Plus I am paying for my own health insurance and meds (I'm diabetic) and...I just can't do it. We can't even make it paycheck to paycheck.
All this led to him cheating on me. I'm not excusing him, but I understand. But dealing with the affair is bad enough, it's left me completely broken and everyone has noticed I'm not olay....then add to that the stress of this towering debt, my poor health and inability to pay to take care of myself, and knowing that I caused all of this...is too much...I don't know what to do about anything...
I feel so hopeless and lost and I can't handle this turmoil..
Everything is hopeless...
