She Came Here to Have Me Go There

She Came Here to Have Me Go There

Often times in mournfulness we find ourselves at eulogy expressing our loss, and we are at a point of no return. I myself often wrap myself in the warm cloaks of might have been. But my dog Heidi was never this way, this is not her style, and she is not yet 'might- have- been.' She is the most 'in the now dog' I have ever known.

Let me back up a moment to October 28, 2016. I was sick from a mild cold, but I was extremely tired and Heidi was being a pain. I turned our normal pizza night from she got a few pepperonis, and I got the cheese pizza, into "I'm tired of you begging, go away'. This is the last night she would come willingly to her food bowl or share my calories from the table.

It is now November 6, 2016 and she's been diagnosed with kidney disease and secondary bladder infection. The vet has assigned us the parents the fluid therapy and says in ten days we will know if we talk recovery or "quality of life".

The IV bag hangs on our closet door, and my husband manages the control stem and I the needle. It's no fun anymore, my little "pain" has closed her snout to anything… scraps, dog food, play time, joy- and we wait.

She is 11 years old and is supposed to be with me until I'm in my sixties, and that's a couple years from now. I trained her special not to dance around the feet so I wouldn't trip over her. Her whole live has been about me- now I know how much her whole life has been about her- She Came Here to Have Me Go There.

This affair began when my husband got sick and we had to drop one of our exercise classes and the house was to quiet, life was too simple so we got a dog.

"Heidi, Heidi running alps, and under the sun, Heidi, Heidi running the whole day long."

From here we went to puppy school together, I took her for her physicals, dental, wound care- a stray paw in an ant bed. The puppy school was eye- opening- we had to sign a contract that if the human got out of control, they would lose their classes no refund. The trainer was clear- this behavior class was for the one holding the leash.

Since then, Heidi and I have grown and gone together on our adventures. We met lots of special people and dogs and … squirrels. Yes, we've had lots of grand up close adventures with squirrels. We've got to watch ducks attempt landings on frozen ponds, we've bounded from snow drift to snow drift. We've gone to off the leash dog parks where every big dog thought they had a right to pounce me and Heidi would come back to check on me.

She waits patiently from the couch while I work-out and then when I spread out on the floor I hear thump her to the floor, paws click- click to the water bowl and get her schnauzer beard good and soaked and come over to check on me… this is not the best way to meditate- but it's our special way.

What I'm trying to say, in my own dry way, she found a way to teach me compassion, patience, partnership, "see what makes me tick". Through her I have found the better part of being human, the part that reflects back to us.

I am sorry, but she just wobbled in. This is the worst she has looked. But I want to share with you something special- Back when I was dating my future husband, he got me a pink panther and my grandmother thought it was a horse- so we always had a pink panther in our life named Horse and when she was laid to rest, she would not know how much I would appreciate my love and appreciation for her efforts. Last year on our human wedding anniversary I gave our dog a dog toy- it was a pink panther named "Horse." Yesterday I caught my-self stroking and trying to comfort my Heidi with 'Horse' saying it's not your time yet, it's not your time yet. This might mean that just yesterday was not her time yet.

Words cannot comfort her, so I must sign off now. I too much lately have learned the rigors of 'and tomorrow never comes'. Happiness is only banked in each breath, a use it or lose deal is all we get. But again, I thought her whole live has been about me- now I know how much her whole life has been about her- She Came Here to Have Me Go There. And now it hurts so much, I need to go there to try to keep her here.

Please keep us in your thoughts and hopes and joys. Please offer any advise or doggie tales I can share with my friend. I need her to start eating again.

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