Motivation?

UPDATE: Family got 60 day notice to move. Need money ASAP. Got all the motivation I needed to get my resume in order, ask for letters of rec, and apply and go on job interviews. Thanks y'all.

I feel bogged down. I'm reading self-help books for willpower, etc. I need to start therapy again. But, I feel like there's a clock ticking, like an hour glass and I'm not sure why. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I should just be able to adult, kick myself into gear, stop talking and complaining and start doing!

All of this is just that I want to go back to school and get my MA. I've worked SO HARD up til now and all I've got is a part-time teaching job. I need to fix my financial situation for the long-term. I know 60% of Americans are suffering the same situation. An MA won't get me paid more necessarily, but at least I'll have it. I knew going into teaching wouldn't be easy and it pays peanuts. I do this because it's my passion. But, they make it so hard. It's so much work and it takes so much time. But, what am I supposed to do financially when I'm in so much student loan debt already? It feels like I'm on a hamster wheel or I'm Sisyphus. I've always wanted more out of life. I've always wanted to do more, but the hardships of life and knowing they are only going to get harder; so many people tell me to be zen, to relax, not to stress, to be kind to myself, to not be so hard on myself, to live in the present. I feel like I'm reaching for a carrot on a stick.

Please help with any advice. I know these things take time. I have a trip planned next month to visit my cousin. My friends encourage me. My parents are very supportive. I'm lucky in so many ways. So, why can't I get motivated to look up deadlines and do the work? The time has already past and it's going to pass, I may as well do something about it. But, I feel so tired. I went outside for a bit today and I have my dogs. I take my trips to the beach and write in my diary to clear my head. I meditate. It's all temporary. I know I'll get through this dark tunnel. It's just hard to see the light.

Thank you all for letting me reach out. Thank you in advance. People see me as so positive, they look up to me, there's so many expectations and people worry about me. I don't want anyone to worry, so it's hard to admit sometimes that I feel like this. At least I can vent here.

I'm not giving up, I just need fuel to keep climbing up this mountain.

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