Quitting Smoking for the New Year

Wey hey!

Now obviously, I must begin with an Introduction here, since this laptop, to me, is new. It is January 6, 2015. It is two thirty in the morning. Eventually I will sleep, but when I wake I shall do a few things. One of them is that it is the day of my medication change, so I shall go ahead and change medication. (I’m going from the pipothiazine piportil back onto my favourite anti-psychotic drug sulpiride.) I have been on this piportil since late December 2006 and while I have my concerns about it, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens when my system is clear of that drug.

What will happen? Will my mind suffer? Will I relapse? I hardly want to talk about it.

My money has come through. That means I can pay some companies what I owe them.

It is now 6 fifteen in the morning and I haven’t got a brain. My brain is missing. I’m on meds. My life is a mess. I can choose. Life said, “Daniel! You must quit smoking.” I can’t make any more excuses. I’m gay, thank the lord. Do you know if you're gay? I love Grant. Everybody loves Grant.

I just touched my own heart and quit smoking. Here are reasons why I smoke:

1) Sometimes it feels good. 2) I’m addicted to it, because I’m lazy. 3) It’s relaxing. 4) It’s social, sometimes. 5) I can sort of just about afford it. 6) ... 7) ...See that’s the conundrum. 8) I’m gay and I want to be straight so that I can pull and kiss women. 9) I’m dead inside. 10) I smoke herb. 11) I can’t quite herb because people like my brother and Eugene will become distant. 12) I once had the opportunity to quit and I failed that, badly, so what’s the difference. 13) I like smoking because well, actually I don’t like smoking, but I do understand it when we say we like it because it is relaxing and hits the spot. I’ve had a cold recently and didn’t want to smoke too much but when I did it, it tasted really nice. 14) Sometimes it tastes nice. 15) It’s too hard to quit. It’s such an ongoing process and I don’t seem to have the willpower to quit. 16) It helps me to lose weight. I’m fat, you see, and cigarettes help you to lose weight, so they say.

There are some of the reasons why I smoke. Here are some reasons why I should stop:

1) It’s horrible. 2) I can’t stand it. 3) The money I would save would be a good two or three grand a year, if not more. 4) Nobody smokes anymore. 5) Health reasons, namely, my heart and lungs which have gone shot. 6) I’m gay, and that, and I want to be gay, and no true gay person should fill her lungs with smoke. 7) I’ve got a cold that won’t go away, and I might get an infection. 8) My thoughts would be clearer. I know they would. Of course, they might not be as illuminating as the ones we have when we’re herb smoking, but they would be true and pure. 9) My heart is dying. 10) I cough too much. 11) I really do cough too much. I cough more than anyone I know. Everybody sees that. Mum, Dad, Skyla, Alex. It’s the smoking that does it. If I stopped smoking then I would see a great change in my health. 12) There are better things to do. I could write, draw, equate, do physics, work. 13) Smoking is not a good pastime. In fact it is a waste of time. I can think of many other things I would like to do other than sit there with a mouthful of cancer. 14) I’m going to die in less than ten years. I’m thirty six. 15) Smoking calms you down. But it’s better, I think, to be truly angry and feeling it than to be placated by some false means, because that doesn’t mean anything. 16) Smoking causes laziness and pain, and the only reason I do it is because I’m addicted.

There you go, some reasons to quit right there. Now let’s examine the whole thing together. Why are my reasons for smoking nonsense? Let’s see, so does smoking feel good? I remember the first time I inhaled smoke. I remember it because it felt so good. The smoke entered my lungs and evaporated into my blood stream and it was creamy and smooth, like tobacco flavoured chocolate milkshake that you can inhale. That’s what it was like. So yes, I will admit, smoking has felt good. Alternatively, these days smoking definitely does NOT feel good. I cough and all that. I do. I cough so much people are worried I might cough up a jellyfish, or worse. And when I cough, after stuffing up on some Chinese takeaway, I begin to yak, by which I mean I get sick, and I puke in bucketloads and that is unpleasant. Oh by the way did I mention I like someone?

Well, now, we do not have to go through every little reason here. Although I do think I will miss the herb, in some ways. I have smoked it for a good twenty years. When I was seventeen I thought I would have given up by the time I was twenty. At twenty I knew I was gone but by then I had done every other drug you can name, so what was the difference. At twenty two I had a real opportunity to turn it all around. I remember, I quit the fags for a little while, with help from some well wishing friends in media, and felt good for a little while, at least a day or two... at least. It was a real chance, but the obstacles presented to me proved a little out of my power league. Oh, if only I could have been a little stronger, who knows what could have become of me?

Was I always destined to fail? It’s like the Soundgarden song, The Day I Tried to Live. You can imagine, it’s about waking up with all these plans in your mind, then gradually living your day as it transpires to thwart your best intentions; you go back to smoking, you drink, you eat. You know what I mean.

Now, I didn’t sleep much last night but, as it often happens, about sometime I resolved to not smoke today. I am really going to give it a good go. Today I will live. I tried this the other day before Christmas and if it was not for my terrifically poor choice of timing to quit then I probably may well have done so. That time (my most recent attempt) I managed around fourteen hours clean. I did many things: took Mark Ryan for a coffee, got injected. In fact this was two weeks ago, before Christmas. I was Christmas shopping, and I found I needed to smoke. One way or the other, it was not a good time to quit. But now I am determined to live. Today I will live.

That Lee Kern’s got himself sorted out, hasn’t he?

Also, being gay, I’m going to have to go into town to a gaybar,

Do you remember when it was all about ideas? I used to think, “10 ideas to prove God has a sense of humour,” “5 signs that you’re controlled,” “Fifteen uses of the word ‘Etc’.”

Here’s an idea, let’s spend some quality time not smoking nasty smelly cigarettes. Actually I smoke roll ups, mainly. I actually have some in my coat pocket that I can’t smoke. Actually I don’t smoke anything, because I have quit. Here are some ideas about things I could do instead of smoking, which I am thinking about doing.

1) I could smoke, but I would hate myself. 2) Instead of smoking I could go for a quick walk, to get some fresh air. 3) If I smoked, then I would smell badly to that teenager who is sitting across from me in Costa. I just left her to look after my laptop as I went to get orange juice. She didn’t steal it. 4) I should eat mints, and chew gum. 5) Giving up smoking is hard. The government should ban it completely. I want to quit. 6) I should write instead of smoke. It’s better to write than smoke because you can talk your way through the pain, as I’m doing now. Were I smoking, I daresay I would be at home right now as opposed to out in town where I am now. I wouldn’t be living. 7) Dance. 8) Yes I could easily dance. I recently learnt a new dance move, akin to that of shuffling, a new dance move. I’m too fat and heavy to do it properly. They say sit ups are rubbish, and dancing is good, for losing weight. I could dance instead of smoke. 9) I could eat. 10) I could lift weights. 11) I could relax and not worry about smoking. But that’s hard. It’s hard right now to think about smoking and not smoke but think about it. I’ll relax. It’s okay. I’ll do that. 12) I don’t even wish to smoke the vapeshticks. I think there is something very cool about going ‘cold turkey’, and also if you can do it, it just makes it that much cooler.

I’m thinking about smoking right now. I have that fresh feeling creeping up my bones; that achy, shaky feeling, but it’s not there yet; I’m waiting. I’d say it’s all about the smoking. I can’t wait until ten hours have passed, since that eventful six thirty this morning when I quit smoking. That’s only two hours so far, but I am blessed in that I have a busy day ahead of me. (It’s sooo busy.)

At some point I imagine I will really need a cigarette. In that case, I will prepare several items of advice in order that I may transcend my difficulties and face that situation when it comes. So here it is, the list of things to do when I really need a cigarette...

1) Go outside and get some fresh air. 2) Drink some water. 3) Eat food. 4) Whatever I do, I must not, at all costs buy cigarettes. 5) Fight the feeling. This is important. If I chew, or drink water, or do some similar things then the feeling will pass. Do not smoke.

I can’t believe I just had a cigarette. JK. Didn’t really.

For the love of Christ don’t smoke!

I’m enjoying writing down these lists about smoking, and in fact I’m enjoying not smoking. There comes a stage in your smoking career when enough is enough. Today, enough is enough, but I don’t want to spend all this time talking about what it’s like to give up, when later on I’ll smoke. I’ll be honest; I’m kind of missing it.

What is seriously wrong with smoking anyway? Well, look at how much I have saved today. At least five pounds. Why is it so hard to just stop for two or three hours? Mind you three hours is about twenty fags. Which is over eight pounds. And that’s bad. Hey, did you know that when it comes to smoking tailor-mades, it’s about two and a half pence a lug?

And in any case, let’s not forget that two hours of working is miles better than sitting with a cig and not doing work. I have a work ethic. Of course I do.

But nothing’s worse than giving up smoking.

Mum thinks I should do it gradually, but I can’t – that’s harder. I’d rather never smoke again. I’ve done it before once or twice. Well once, to be fair, but that was for six months. That’s a good six months saving money. There’s things I want to do.

I want to work on my mathematics degree, and get a high mark... I want to eat better food, like roast chicken, and that sort of thing. I want to write my book. There’s things I don’t want.

I don’t want to spend the year sitting around my flat among other nutty people such as myself. I don’t want to do that. But what will I do when Eugene visits bearing gifts of mary jane? That’s going to be hard. Here’s a list of five things:

1) a) I will say, no thanks mate, I have quit! b) I will say, Nah, you’re alright! 2) I will say... well... what more will there be to say? 3) I will bite my tongue. Perhaps even plead the lad to stop himself. 4) I don’t know. 5) It’s hard.

I’m supposed to be going to Amsterdam for Roberto’s stag do. Let’s hope I make it so far.

Ciao for now,

From Dan at Costa mill hill. xx

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