Jealousy

Siiiiiigh. Ok.

So, a year ago, I had an amazing little boy. He was born not breathing, and the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, and he got stuck while he was being born. So, a little rough, but he did amazing. Since then he's had alot of rough times too. At three months he stopped growing and was referred to OT. We were there for three months. In the beginning he was VERY far behind, but at around 6 months he had caught up and was rolling over, and even sitting up! The only thing was, that after a quick burst of weight gain, he had stopped gaining weight again. This was a boy who was born in the 80th percentile. But, developmentally, he was doing fine, so he was discharged from OT. From October to March he didn't gain any weight, at all. He refused to eat food of any kind, and was exclusively breastfed. I didn't worry too much, because he was doing everything he should be. He was crawling, he could say "Ah-Da" (for Daddy)... nothing wrong there, right? The boy had a lip tie. We got it clipped two weeks before his first birthday, and in the month surrounding that surgery he has gained a pound. So, so, so, so, so exciting. Because of all his issues I've been seeing his DO every two weeks, and last visit, she said she's concerned about him possibly having autism. Her reasonings were: my daughter is on the spectrum, my son hadn't (at that point) put together that I'm his momma, and he doesn't know his own name. My argument: he's so cuddly, so attached to me... there is NO way. I personally just think, because his body has just been fighting to grow and survive, that his brain hasn't really focused on learning. It's been focusing on helping him grow and live. And it's still focusing on helping him grow. I think the development will come. He may be delayed a bit, but I am making the official prediction that by two, my little guy will be just like every other two year old. He's in Speech/Swallow Therapy now, to help him learn how to eat food.

Anyway. The point of this post. A friend of mine had a baby boy, two days before my son was born, that was 7 weeks early. A premature little guy, who is super cute.

She posted on FB last night that her son was walking.

And then her husband posted.

And then the babysitter. And then the grandmother, the grandfathers, the aunt... I cried. I cry every time I see it. And I know I shouldn't. But, my status update this morning: "Woooo!!!! Elias just ate a whole bowl of cereal, and even chewed on a couple cheerios. So proud of the boy!" And I am. VERY VERY VERY proud. It's been hard, getting him to this point. I've had so many people say "Well, why don't you feed him?" I TRY!!!! And it's finally happening. But... I know, his doctor knows, E won't be walking for quite awhile. And I don't understand why. Why has this all been so hard for him? He should have been walking a couple months ago, instead of just learning to crawl. He wasn't premature. He was late. I can't figure out what happened to cause such delays. Like, was it something that happened while I was pregnant with him? I keep thinking about his twin, that I miscarried, and trying to figure out if that has anything to do with it. Or is it because of when I fell into the stove at 30 weeks and started labor? Or is it because of the induction?

I know it could be a ton worse, I do know that. And I should just ignore wonderboy, and focus on E. Because if I don't, and I cry every time wonderboy does something new, he's gonna think I'm not proud of him. And I am.

I just feel guilty.

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