To those that read the psych med article:This is my story...CoRyAnN

I will share my story here so that others may see that this really does happen. (please excuse typos) I came from a very disfunctional home. At the age of 10 I went into fostercare a very hurt, scared, angry kid. They put me on Prosac. I didn't really understand what it was for. They sad I had Depression. I just got worse and by 12yrs old I was very self-destructive. I started cutting my wrists, not to commit suicide and not for the reasons the cutters do it. As I watched the blood pour I would wonder what it would be like to die. 13 was a BAD yr for me. I was very angry and used drugs and alcohol as a bandaid. My friends would heat up a lighter and burn themselves to make a smiley face on their arm. They would do it just once. It was a cool thing to have a smiley face. I did it and then every time I felt any kind of negative emotion I would do it again and again in the same spot. I have that smiley face to this day. I had my 1st real suicide attempt at 13. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks and diagnosed with severe chronic depression and put back on Prozac.

From the hospital I was put on a plane and sent to a girls home for incoragble kids. (my favorite diagnosis btw still wear that one proudly lol) Spent 9 mos. there being fed Prosac daily. Never was able to conform to their rules so I didn't graduate but they liked me to much to give me a dishonerable discharge, which would ban me from the graduate reunions and not allow me to visit. So they pulled some strings for me I was FREE released from the Juvenile court systym!

I stopped taking the Prosac and partied my buut off. I used drugs to be happy and have fun. For many years it worked for me. The Prosac sure didn't! I don't mean hardcore drug use either. I smoked pot. Drank with my friends when the mood struck..oh yeah there was the LSD and mushrooms too I won't mention The Summer of Fry here So life wasn't hunky dory but I wasn't miserable and I didn't do things to intentionally hurt myself (unless you count putting all those chemicals in body)

The beginning of the end was after I had my 2nd child at 22, I developed severe chronic pain. I was put on Vicodan. I won't get into my pain pill addiction here because I have discussed it at great lengths on USM. I got really depressed and was put on anti-depressants. They say they don't work the same for everyone so I spent years as a test monkey. I tried:Zoloft,Paxil,Welbutrin,Remeron,Buspar.I can't even remember them all. I sure remember the ones that gave me weird side effects! In fact there is one that made me think such bizzare thoughts that I even wrote a post on here..that I can look back at and laugh. I think it's titled RED HAT RED HAT! Thank you Buspar! We won't get into the really bad ones I posted until I can explain it.

So ANYWAYS...I'm going to leave out ALL the hospitalazations and suicide attemps because there are many..at least 15. Fastfoward to the medication that changed my diagnosis forever. EFFEXOR I didn't know it was happening but it was causing me to have manic episodes. These were the basic not sleeping, rapid thoughts, spending money I didn't have. Very risky behavior that I am ashamed of and will not go into publicly. If it would help someone I would privetly. I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 with suicidal ideation. For the most part I stayed in a severely deppressed state. I only had a couple manic episodes. But they introduced the antpsychotic meds: Trileptil,risperdol..and on. They kept uping the Effexor AKA sideEffectsor. I then got to experiance my 1st psychotic episode. I completly lost touch with reality and said and did CRAZY things. I am not proud and I don't talk about it because it's embarassing. I'll just say there is forever proof of here at USM because I was hell bent on telling everyone. This happend in 2007.

When I crashed from that episode things got really bad for me. I wanted to hurt myself every minute of the day, but I didn't want cuts and scars all over me because my children would see it. I tried to hide everything from them. I started beating on myself with blunt objects. I was in so much pain that when I hit myself for that minute all I could think about was the physical pain. I would used toothbrushes, hair brushes..whatever I could find. I would be able to cover my arms with long sleeves and nobody would know. It got to where I was covered in huge deep nasty bruises. The whole inside of my inner arms down to the wrist. My whole chest. Both my thighs. from the very top down to my knees. It was absolutly disgusting and I liked it. I enjoyed the bruises. SICK! I eventually showed my husband and he was mortified, angry and scared.

He checked me into the hospital. They told me that the Effexor was putting me into rapid cycling and rediagnosed me as Bipolar 1 with Psychotic tendencies. The worst kind! Most people when the think Bipolar they think crazy mood swings. That's true for most people because most people are diagnosed Bipolar 2. I had 1 other manic episode and it was NOTHING like the 1st one. THANK GOD! It lasted only for about 4 days..It was a weird one indeed..at the time that your in that episode you don't know it and won't believe it. I laugh about that one, it was funny. That was almost 3yrs ago. I stabalized pretty well for awhile.

In Sept.2009 i went to detox for Methadone. Got out started intensive outpaitent and went back to a mental health place to find a new Psychiatrist. She put me on new head-meds. Ones I'd never even heard of and thats pretty hard to find! This is what happend. Abilify: severe uncontrollabe movements to the point where they had to sedate me. Geodon: Akathasia, for those that don't know what that is look it up its awful. I didn't know what it was or what was happening but I lived like that for months before I finally askd my Dr. if something was wrong with me. I assumed it was me, not the drug. I was also taking an opiate blocker called Naltrxone for awhile as a safety measure against myself. If you take even a whole handful of Vicodan it will do nothing. You can't get high. Once again I crashed into depression. She kept trying everything to help me.

Then the worst of the worst!!! THORZINE! When she suggested it I was like WHAT? they still use that?? All I knew about it was from old day sanatariums and people doing the Thorzine shuffel! She assured me that it had been given a bad wrap and that it was safe. The shuffle was because they were overdosing patients to keep them controlled. So I said ok sure, i'll try anything at this point! BAD CHOICE! I will try to describe what it did to me as best as I can. I stopped talking. I only spoke when spoken to and my replies were very short. I didn't laugh. I didn't smile. I didn't do anything for entertainment. I stopped answer calls. I wouldn't answer my friends txt msgs. I couldn't think of anything to say anyways. I almost lost a good friend over it. This went on for 4mos. I didn't know there was anything wrong at all and nobody told me. I went to a med appt. and my Dr. asked me if I was still reading. I'm an avid reader. I said no that I couldn't because I couldn't seem to concentrate. She prescribed Adderal, an amphetamine. Well it helped me read alright! That's all I did..read, read, read. I must of read 200 books. People would try talking to me and I'd just get irritated because they were interuppting me.

FINALLY, my Mom asked me to go to breakfast because she wanted to talk to me. She said she was worried that my medication was doing something bad to me and that I had become very dull. My responce was REALLY? What do you mean?? Are you sure? So I made an appt. then called my bestfriend and told her what my Mom had said. and she agreed. Said she didn't want to hurt my feelings because she knows I have been going through alot. So I went and she told me to gradually step down cuz it can cause withdrawls. She put me back on zoloft. Well my being the opiate expert that I am knows a thing or two about withdrawls. Thought no way. They can't possibly be anything like opiates. I really wanted that crap outta my body when I realized what was happening. So I just quit taking it and about 3 days later I was SICK! Full blown yucky withdrawls that I promised myself I would never feel again! Sooo I started taking the demon pills again. Took me about a month to get off of them.

I crashed yet again into sereve depression but this time was having horrible panick attacks. Ive had a history of anxiety but not like this. I went into her office and said. I'm done! I can't do this anymore! All i can think about is going to sleep and never waking up. I do NOT want to breath in and out one more time if this is how I have to live. I want to go somewhere and stay there until they find out what I need. She agreed. I spent 19 days in the hospital. He put me on 10mg's of Lexapro 300 mg's of lithium and 300 mg's of Seraquel. He told me if this didn't work my only option was ECT=eletro convusive therapy. He then explained what it was and what they did and assured me the only side effect was memory loss. That's it?? I could forget my name and who I am?? But he said my brain was resistant to conventional treatment. I promised myself I would do it for sure if this didn't work even against my husbands wishes. That was April 2011

I don't know what has happened to me since then but it's a miracle! Is it the meds?? NO WAY! The only thing I question actually working is the one I've never been on and that's the Lithium. It is a salt and is found in the earth..It's also not mentioned above. Since I got out of the hospital I have gotten better, stronger..Ive never been this stable in my entire life. I have peace of mind more days then not. In the last 4 months I have had some of the worst things in my life happen to me. If this would have ever happend at another point in my life I would have fallen apart. I would have lost it and completly mentally shut down in order to protect myself. Instead I have thrived and perserverd. I have become a very strong person. I have made lifestyle changes that will better me as a person even while feeling overwelmed. How can that be?? Until i found this article I thought it was the meds but I was wrong. When I read this article I was UPSET! I had a hard time processing it. I was shocked. I felt contaminated and violated and VERY angry and the hardest part is there is NOTHING I can do. I can't place the blame where it belongs. They are above the law, above everything. Then when I think of the MRI results they got back..about the brain damage and enlargement..My thought is. It's to late. The damage has been done and there is no reversing it. They set out to do this and the won. They even have me to fearful to stop my head meds for fear of falling into the abyss. It's to late now anyways right? Every night when I take my medication its with disgust. Everyone thinks the internt is the Matrix but I think there are other ways to plug in..and psych meds is one. So I;m plugged into the Matrix that way. Thank you if you read this whole book. It's good to put it in black and white.

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