Forever in My Heart

Her feet dragged across the sand. I could not carry her anymore. I am sure someone had seen me. I could not let them see her this way. I needed her to be free. No one needed to know. No one could see her like that. The rope still left its mark around her neck. Did anyone see me pull it from her neck? Would they ever need to know the truth? Too many people I had already hurt. Why her? Why? The river she always found peace in. The sky a muggy, muddy grey something she would have cherished was ready to cry for us both at any moment. I just needed her somewhere else. Karra my love just laid there in my arms. I wanted her to wake but I was too late. I had done this. I was her killer. The sirens called in the distance. Someone knew. Someone had called. I just needed her to be at peace. No one needed to know. Karra seemed to sweep from my arms to the river’s edge.

“Jason Mikael put your hands on top of your head and step away from the girl”

My life blurred from the moment of my arrest. Jail did not seem real, nothing did. Truthfully I just wanted everything to end. I killed the one person I loved most in this world. It was the same day in and day out. Get up, eat, walk, eat, sit, eat, and sleep. That was the daily routine except for court days then it was get dressed and go to court. I remember when you took the stand looking at me begging me to say something. To tell you why I did it. I could not tell you then. It would have changed nothing. I am sorry for your loss and I wish I could take it back. I wish I could undo the wrong I caused. I hope in time you will see that I am sorry. So very sorry I could not.

“We are standing outside the Ft. Collins Correctional Facility where in the first time in history an execution is taking place without any appeals. Jason Mikael was found guilty of murdering Karra Jameson his fiancée at the time. He brutally strangled her and then attempted in broad day light to stage and pose her body at the Daaquam River just over two years ago. This is one of the fastest executions that this country has ever seen. Sir Can I get a comment from you?”

“That boy better be prepared for Hell. There is a special place for men like him and God speed him there! This is what they should do with all murderers.”

“Well we can see here by the crowds gathered that everyone is ready for midnight to come and this man to be executed. This is Sarah Hoffman from Channel 8 bringing you live coverage from Ft. Collins Correctional Facility.”

I could see the crowds from the bars. I had made very few requests. I wanted to see the stars once more. The signs that read killer, murder were all right. I should have said that in court. I just sat there. The wooden bench in front of me, the chairs solid and unmoving with nothing feeling like it happened to me. Nothing felt as though I was there. I remember her blue unchallenging eyes the most. She would look at me with such conviction and knew everything but would never need to fight you to believe her. Something in you just told you to believe her. I think I miss that most about her. The almond smells of her shampoo and lavender body spray. The smells always tease at me begging me to remember them. Beg me to take them back again. I can almost see the red streaks through her blond hair. Skin so soft I thought it was milk.

“Final meal, hope this is to your liking. You know I knew Karra and she would have done anything for you. I will never understand a murderer like you. How could you take such a precious girl from us? I hope you enjoy your ride to Hell!”

I could not say anything to him. The guard was right. I looked at the tray of food and glass of soda. This was it. I would never see the sunrise again. I would get my last taste of food and drink before they strapped me down. I don’t know what the last thing was that she ate. I hope her last thoughts were that she loved you. I never would have written this to you except for I needed you to know. I could not keep it any longer. I hope that my death will be the end of all of this. I enclose the last thing she wrote. I hope that someday you can forgive her. I know that forgiveness for me will never come. I know she is at peace with Reilly. They should be in heaven together. I know how much she loved her brother. Please know I have no ill feelings for you or your family. Take care of Jess. I am only writing so that you don’t lose her too. I am forever sorry. She needed to be with her brother and this was the only way.

“Let’s go. The chair is waiting on you.”

“Yes sir.”

I walked to the chair in irons waiting on the doors to open. I knew where I was going and I was ok with it. The chair you lay on is strangely solid and comfortable. The straps glide and tighten across your arms and legs with no real feeling. They say it is just like going to sleep. It is the same with hanging. They say that when you slowly lose the air you just drift off. I know it is too much to hope for but I hope they are not lying.

“Final words?”

“I am sorry. I did what I thought was right. I hope that some where she forgives me.”

Then they lowered me down and I did just go to sleep. My letter given to you as I had promised to explain everything to you. Her letter explains it all.

Jason,

I can’t do this anymore. I am so sorry but I want you to have a full life. My life was incomplete because it was my fault that my brother was killed. I was the murder. If I had never asked my dad to pick me up from the party and had just called you he would be here. I know you keep saying it is my dad’s fault for driving drunk but it was really mine. I asked him to come and get me. I should have known by the sound of his voice. I know you will be getting coffee for us right now just like you always do on Saturday. How do I tell you goodbye?

I know that my mom will have a ton of questions but don’t tell her the truth. I know how much she loves my dad. They still have Jess to take care of. Have me cremated. I know that by Catholic law I can’t be buried with my brother but could you spread some of the ashes next to him and the rest at the river? It was the one place that I could go where everything was at peace, even my broken heart. I do love you. I am sorry for the mess I will leave behind but know that I could not be saved. I will forever love you. I am sorry for this. I am sorry for taking my life and leaving you to be the one that finds me. I knew you would be the only one strong enough.

Forever in my heart,

Karra

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