Forever Trying

The water relentlessly washed in my mouth. Weightless death surrounded me holding me. The chains were still tight around my legs. The light fading as the current pulled in deepening the water. My chest beat uncontrollably as it fought against the impending scene. I wanted to be in his arms again. I reached out toward the surface hoping that the chains would let go. The weights held me down. Freedom was only a memory slipping away with each air bubble. I hated him and everything he had done. I could see him glaring down at me looking through the water’s glass. Coolness swept into me and I closed my eyes.

“Why are you doing this now?” I called out to Dmitry.

“You knew this was coming. I can’t be here anymore. I can’t be with you.” His voice ripped through me. I could not believe he was saying this. We had always been together and now he wanted to leave me.

“Dmitry please try. Please!” The tears swelled in my voice and in my eyes. He just turned his back straightening out his shoulders. He stood there for a moment looking foreign to me. His shoulders had always been broad and now they were solid. He was a good foot taller than me. He unclenched his fist and slung the bag over his shoulder. His hand opened flat as he touched the wall on his exist. He was leaving me. He had left me. The wood broke my fall. Running after him would do nothing. He betrayed me and broke his promise.

The tears tore through the memory into the next. The smell of the fresh cut grass always seemed to calm my thoughts. I sat against the tree trying to cool from the heat. The birch trees had smooth soft bark. My palms glided over the grass. The dirt soaked into my jeans as I got lost in the people moving back and forth. I was healed. He had been gone for so long. Everything it seemed from that part of my past had been left there. No tears anymore. Study. I needed to study. I hate exams! As I turned to reach for my book there he was. In the distant I could see his dark short hair. His blue gray eyes did not look at me. Dmitry was lost in his own thoughts.

“Dmitry I have been looking for you everywhere!” A redheaded woman called to him. He turned to her as she raced toward him. My heart caught and stopped. I needed to get out of here. I grabbed my bag and ran off in the other direction. I raced to my motorcycle jamming on my helmet.

“Morgan?” A voice trailed after me. I started the bike drowning out the sounds ripping me from the nightmare to the next. The rain collected on the glass of my favorite coffee shop. Meeting with the group here was a risk. I had seen him a few times near here with the redhead.

“Morgan what do you think of the theory for the case presented?” Paul looked at me pulling me from my thoughts. Time had slipped from me and I had not heard a word any of them had said.

“You know Paul I think that is a good theory and it works.” For all I know he spouted off that aliens were going to take over the planet and he was their leader. The others took their books and bags and left. We were done studying and I had not even started. Paul grabbed the chair in front of me.

“Ok what is going on? You and I know that the theory will not hold up in the case study. Why did you not argue back about the lack of merit and challenge everything like always?”

“I am sorry I am just a little lost these days. Things I thought were buried are not and I can’t shake them.”

“What type of things? You know I can help I am working on a minor in psychology. I think you should come with me and lie on my couch and tell me all your problems. It could be good for you.”

“Paul NO. I am not some freshman that you can get to go back to that rat hole you call a place and sleep with you. Find a frat girl for that.” A smirk crossed his face and I could not help but to smile. Whipped cream had coated his top lip.

“Yeah I guess a few drinks and then you might be dumb enough for that. Maybe we should go to a bar I am sure it would work. Look in all seriousness I am here if you want to talk. I know that keeping it bottled in is not good.”

The bell rang at the door signaling a new set of customers. I turned to look on instinct alone. His hair was shorter and age was wearing into him but I would know his voice anywhere. Dmitry and the redhead walked in. He moved slow and lingering with her one arm over her shoulder intimately. I needed to get out of here. Why did he have to come back here?

“Paul I gotta go.” I squeaked out grabbing my stuff and headed for the exit before he could say anything.

“Morg wait up what’s going on?” I turned to look at Paul and Dmitry looked straight into me. His eyes always had a way of getting into my soul. My heart caught again. I needed to bolt as I could see him turning her and attempting to get to me.

“Morgan?” Dmitry called to me. I turned and ran for my bike. Paul chased after me grabbing for the extra helmet. Both of us climbed onto the bike and I kicked it in gear and headed anywhere but there. The road twisted and turned blurring out everything but the road in front of me. Nothing but the wind wrapped around my body it forced me to breathe and my heart to beat again. The beach stretched out in front of me. We stopped. I realized that Paul had come with me.

“Morgan what is going on?”

“Paul it is a long story. Can we just leave it at that?”

“Hell no. You have to tell me what is going on. You always seem to be watching your back waiting for someone to grab you. Then you see someone and bolt out of the place at record speed. Not to mention you almost killed us on your death trip to get here. They post 25 mph for a reason. Did you want us to die?”

“Paul no one asked you to get on my bike. He is someone from my past. I just wish he would not have come back here.”

“Well he is here and you are going to have to deal. Did he hurt you?” “Paul just drop it! I don’t want to talk to you or anyone else about him. What he did to me is no one’s business but mine.” The tears came without desire. The clouds gray blue just reminded me of his eyes. Paul wrapped his arms around me no questions or judgment. A light rain fell around us. Everything fell away but the rain and the waves rushing to the shore. Nothing more was said we got on the bike and I took him home. I left him at the curb and went home. The tears even dry still lingered waiting to burst out.

I parked walking up to the door. One of us was going to have to go and this time it would have to be me. I could finish up the next few months and transfer. I just had to go where he never would be. I grabbed the key and jammed it into the lock.

“Your Morgan right?” I turned to look at the redhead. She had walked up behind me.

“Sorry who are you?”

“My name is Tasha and Dmitry would like to talk to you. He could not wait here any longer but I said I would stay and let you know.”

“Tasha I have nothing to say and I certainly don’t need to know anything in his life. I hope you both are happy and wish you well together ok.”

“Morgan we are not together. Don’t get me wrong I would love that but he has other views. He really needs to talk to you.”

“Like I said I have nothing to say and I have nothing to do with his life so no thanks. Now you can go back to him and tell him.” She reached in her pocket and pulled out a small box handing it to me.

“Look if you change your mind his number is on the bottom of the box. He really would like a chance to explain.” She walked off before I could shove it back at her. I opened the door to the apartment and slammed it shut. Everything in me told me to throw it out in the street and forget him. His eyes gazed from my memory. I opened the box. Why? Why now? Rage renewed in me. I was going to give him a piece of my mind. I grabbed my cell and dialed his number.

“Hello?” His voice was groggy.

“What the hell do you think you are doing giving me this now? Why after all of these years do you suddenly decide to give it to me? What is wrong with you?” I could not help but to yell at him.

“Morgan?”

“How many of these do you have? How many have you passed out via your girlfriend?”

“Morgan she is not my girlfriend. Please let me explain in person. Can we meet tomorrow? Please? I would like to explain. Please”

“There is nothing to explain. You made your choice now live with it and leave me alone. You are the one that walked out. You are the one who said it was over. You can’t undo the past.”

“I would like to atone for my actions and explain them. Please. This is all I will ever ask of you.” His voice was soft and non-combative. We always fought both of us were fire each burning and consuming the other. He had burned me. Hang up. Just hang up.

“Five minutes and that is it.”

“I will take whatever I can get. How about the coffee shop 10 am?”

“Fine” I hung up. I closed the box and set it on the table. Sleep would not come. I fought against myself. Why was I meeting with him? Why did I not just leave well enough alone? I thought about calling Paul but he would want all the details and I was not sure I could give them to him. Maybe this would give me peace. I could see him one last time and this time I would be the one to leave.

I got to the coffee shop early unable to convince myself to stand him up. He slowly walked in arm over her toward me. She helped sit him down in front of me and left to get some coffee for him. Looking at him up close like this he seemed to have age twenty years in only the eight we spent apart.

“Thanks for coming. I was a little worried that you would not show.”

“Honestly Dmitry I was going to stand you up. Look just say what you have to say.” He reached a hand toward mine but I pulled back. He did not need to touch me to say anything.

“I had a good reason to leave. I thought it was the best for you. Hell I thought you would have moved on with your life.”

“Who says I didn’t?”

“Really running from me every time you see me screams that you moved on. Look I am not judging.”

“Then what is the reason? You walked away like nothing mattered. So why now? Why would you give that to me? Remember that was for your soul mate.”

“Did you take it out the box? Did you read the inscription on it?”

“No I want nothing to do with it.”

“Morgan I don’t know how to say it other than to just say it. I am sick and I have been for a long time. I needed you to know the truth before I.” He did not need to finish the sentence as I knew what he was saying.

“Dmitry what does it matter now? You left eight years ago. You walked out.”

“I walked out because I wanted you to find someone you would have a future with. I have stopped the radiation and other treatment. I could not let you think that I did not love you. I did and do love you.”

“You got sick eight years ago and that is why you left?”

“Yes”

“We could have had eight years together. You decided I was not good enough to be there? What did you think I would not be there for you?”

“No I knew you would be. I did not want you cleaning up after me or watching me die. I thought that I would get better and maybe someday we might be friends.”

“What planet do you think you’re on? Did you really think that after telling me you had to leave that I would be friends with you? That the past would be forgotten, that I would be ok with us just hanging out?”

“I was not thinking. I just did not want to saddle you with my problems. You would have put your life on hold. I could not ask a 17 year old girl to give up everything, your future. You had a million things planned.”

“I would have traded it all for the truth.”

“I am giving you the truth now. I want you to be free of me.”

“That is what you want. Fine your fee!” I got up and stormed out. His hand had brushed up against me as I left.

I just needed time to cool off. I needed to get clear. He left me for my future? I found myself by the ocean. He wanted to be free of me. The man that I had loved for most of my life wanted to be free from me. Time slipped from me and I could not listen to the messages he left. I did not want to hear more excuses. I went about life and I did not look for him. Everything in me always on the verge of a breakdown. I pulled up to my apartment and found a note attached to the door. I knew his hand writing anywhere.

I walked in the house and opened the letter.

“I never wanted to be away from you. I just never wanted to take away all the things you could do. I never wanted to be free from you. I kept you in my heart and no one took your place not even for a moment. I am so sorry. If I could have it to do over again I will. Remember our promise that in all our lives we would be together. Next time I will get it right. Next time I will not be stupid. I will wait for you no matter how long it takes. I love you in this time and all the ones to come.”

I reached for my phone dialing his number. There was a knock on the door. I opened it expecting to see Dmitry. Paul instead was standing there.

“Morgan what is wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything is ok. I just need to talk to Dmitry.”

“Why? He is the one who has hurt you. He won’t be hurting anyone again.”

“Paul what are you talking about. He explained everything. He was sick and that is why he left.”

“No it’s just an excuse. I would never do that to you. Look he is a part of your past I am your future. I always have been. I have known you as long as Dmitry.”

“Paul look I am in love with Dmitry. I always have been and I think I always will be.”

“No you can’t be. Look I came to check on you cuz he is dead.”

“What are you talking about? I just got this letter. He explained enough. I need to talk to him.”

“Morgan he is dead. I went to see him. I was there when he coded. I am sorry.” His voice was hollow to me. My knees gave way and met the floor. The tide that had be held back swelled out of me.

“Paul just go. I… I can’t deal with you right now.”

“You still choose him? I have been here for you this whole time.” The look in his eyes changed.

“Paul you’re his brother I never thought about you that way.” He looked shattered as much as I was.

“You know when he was away he got better. Then he come back here and gets sick. He should have stayed away. We would have been together. He messed everything up.”

“Paul no, not in this life or any other. I love Dmitry and if he is gone then that is it for love for me.”

He pulled me into a hug and then everything was watery blue. The chains held my legs in place. I remembered now my feet dragging in the sand. The thump my body made as it hit the boat. Scraping sound the anchor made as it was dragged to the edge of the boat. Chains tightened around my legs as he pulled it to the edge.

“I worked too hard to get him out of the way. No one will ever have you but me.” He kissed me on my forehead and tossed the anchor over followed by my body. The ring flashed in. The simple silver ring with two lines weaving around each other. Forever Trying was inscribed on the ring. The last of the bubbles left my body. I watched as it looked peacefully sleeping. Paul took the boat back to shore and made a call.

“Hey Tasha she is taken care of. Take care of my brother. He is now free from that girl. I left the note at her apartment.” He hung up.

Dmitry was not dead.

Show all stories by   Author:  14018 ( Click here )