An almost explicit posting of thoughts

I guess that essentially, right now, I'm in something of an emotional mood which entails, for those who understand, a love of God, and of people, and of the world in general. I feel, without wanting to waste your time, that I sort of need to explain myself on some things. I didn't want to write another nonsense post, but i wanted somehow to express myself on this site to people because, well, that's the emotional mood I'm in right now.

I wanted to tell people things that I've been thinking about and how i've been feeling (I actually 'feel'!). One of these things has to do with, to put it shortly, God. Now i know a lot of people hate it when others here go on about Him. I know it. It's these people who have difficulty understanding that so many of us have a relationship with Him, and usually these people who we try to appease being that we know nobody likes to have it 'shoved down their throat'. Today, I feel like facing them head on, trying to make them understand.

I guess what I'm trying to say has to do with the ever present spirituality of a relationship with God. It's just that, on the whole, it's difficult for me to be totally candid about how i actually feel about the being who we were all created by. And after all the nonsense posts and the difficulty communicating, all I want to say is that we can all have a relationship with God. And you know, i never feel lonely, never feel alone, and those times when I feel a sort of despair which comes with a type of anger at Him, those times are always, always compensated by periods of deep love and affection. There is this feeling coming from those who won't believe, that a kind of trickery is in play, that religion is a force of control, that God is a fake, and that it's all a lie. But everyone who is a conscious person has their own life and their own story, which is great, it's fine, it's the whole point. And I'm not about to go on and complain that nobody understands that God is writing this story, because that would be annoying. But it's true, He is. So when we go ahead and think that we're alone, that no one cares, that is so false. We all have pain in our lives, every one of us. If I was in the mood, i'd tell you that pain is just the axle of reality, but you would complain and you would say, that's bull, why am i in pain all the time? But remember, this not a dream, He is there to make sure of that. I hope i'm making sense. And if you listen to Him you might get the right idea.

You know, I can't convert people, that's not my calling; i'm not a pastor or a priest. The truth is we have to follow the path that He lays out for us to follow. And I'm still not saying what needs to be said here. When i hear music i love, when i see the sun playing through the trees, when i see the trees, when i see people almost oblivious of love, I can't help but think of His divinity, His prescence, His everlasting love of us.

I just want to say, if there is any advice that i could give to you, whoever you are, that would be - Seek God and love Him.

Like last night, i was despairing because there was something i could not do, which i could have done had certain things not happened to me, and i started cursing God, because well, at the end of the day, I'm not Job, i'm a normal human with problems and thoughts and so on. I wanted God to talk to me. I wanted to see Him as clearly as i could have before... well... before everything happened. I needed His help and i felt He was not listening. At least, whatever lesson He had for me, I could not understand it. I was lost and angry and there was no point and i was thinking i might, you know, end everything. I obviously didn't, and tried to sleep. And i slept, and i dreamt, and those dreams were fantastic, and you know when i woke up, I felt so sorry about all the bad things i had been thinking, and i realised something i needed to know, that God loves us, that He understands each of us more than we understand ourselves, that He knows exactly what He's doing, and he's doing it for us, and basically He loves us so much and would never want to hurt us, no matter what pain we're in.

I just have to say, I've had at least ten years now of knowing and loving Him, and there have been moments where i have paid little attention to what works He's produced, and though i don't always listen, I know for a fact, that he is listening to us and watching over us all.

Thank you.

Dan

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