A ranty not-so-little update on me

The trouble with how things are now, as opposed to..how they were, is i'm lacking a support system in day-to-day life. So, I'm just gonna recap.

I love New York. Born here, raised here, i have my friends and family here. It's familiar, i have the city.

But i liked Arizona. Blasphemy. For me, it was a fresh start.

When we were finally moving back to NY, i was stoked. I had friends and family eager to have me back. Brimming with enthusiasm.

When i got back, not everything was as it seemed, and in short- i fell through the cracks. Taking classes in the summer was a godsend. Kept me busy and accomplished.

Job finding was- and still is- near impossible

Family life spiraled into a complete stinkhole of blah and misery. Dad is impossible. He smokes, he overeats, he's selfish, irrational, inconsiderate and a total slob. He's gotten nastier as time has gone one. He's unstable, anxious, and has become emotionally abusive

He snaps, whines, yells, and calls me and mom names. This isn't new, but after awhile, it grates on you.

And when you're living in a two bedroom, one-floor apartment..well...

We don't have money. Dad has his job, but he has a really bad habit of...not sucking up and doing something he doesn't like. True, he speaks his mind, but he never does it in a rational way.

Hence, being fired in the past.

Heck, one of the reasons we had to leave NY was partly due to that. He has no brain-mouth filter.

Mom had enough, was tired of enabling him. Enough that we were going to leave.

And then Dad's doctor let slip Dad confided in him that when he was going to go to NY in March before my cousin's Bar Mitzvah (he had job interviews)he was going to go to a motel, overdose, and have housekeeping find him in the morning

Mom was never one to walk away.

New York hasn't been....overly enjoyable. There's fighting, because there's only so many years of this someone can take.

I don't think anyone in my family is happy. We have literally no money. We have what we have from the lawsuit, and Dad "sneaks" around buying cigarettes with what little money we have.

I've lost alot of friends. I have one who makes the effort to hang out, one who is unreliable and ditches out on plans.

My truest friends are tucked behind a computer screen, scattered in different states.

If i'm not constantly busy, my anxiety kicks up like nobodies business.

Plus, there's all this business with my uncle that...My family had a really bad falling out after my grandmother past last November. My uncle turned on my father, lashed out, and did some unforgivable things to my family. Since then, things have gone downhill since then (Including being forbidden from contacting my 13 year old cousin). Last month, my father received an email from my uncle the other day regarding unveiling Grandma's headstone (In the Jewish religion, the headstone is unveiled a year after the loved one's death). He told my father that separate unveilings should be done. That my father should have a ceremony with the family, while my uncle did a completely different ceremony with his wife's side of the family.

That's a whole 'nother ballgame



I woke up this morning feeling like a new person. Adjusting to a new medication regiment, i felt bright, motivated, anxiety free and ready to tackle life with new vigor.

However, my day has gone from that to a little...topsy turvy.

Currently unsure how to react right now. Alot of stuff's been going on in the family- namely with my dad/finances/personal stuff.

And i've been going through a heck of a lot too.

My mom recently started checking into rehabs for my dad, because she's at wits end, basically. we all are.

Today i made a pact to myself. If i can't push myself to get myself in gear for me, I'll do it for Mom. Mom who has been my rock and support my entire life, my hero...everything. She's everything i inspire to be: Strong in all the best ways, caring, kind, smart. She knows when to take care of herself, and is steadfast and loyal to those she loves.

She risked her job last year to fly into NY so she can be with my grandmother when Grandma was sick.

When Dad messed up, she gave him heck, but stood by his side because she could not, and would not turn her back on someone that was ill (physically or emotionally.)

She never gave up on me, through depression, bipolar, fits, crying. You name it, she was there.

If i can't get the motivation to do this for myself, you bet i have the motivation to do it for her.

Today i filled and faxed even more job applications, while she drove me and called rehabs, spoke to family members. She was strong, she was vulnerable.

Within the 5-10 minutes it took to get me from my latest place to apply to, my cell phone rang- as did Mom's

A veterinary clinic i applied to just 20 minutes before is looking for an assistant.

I now have a job interview on Monday.

Mom's call? My father attempted to overdose on pills, and is now in an urgent care center.

Mom dropped me home, and drove off to see him.

I made another phone call for a place within walking distance.

They're looking for assistants to help them on their mobile unit with restraints. With pay.

I have an interview with them, too.

So tell me something. I've job searched since February. Sweat blood and tears over applications.

There's a good chance my dad is out of work for awhile, even though mom was checking into a rehab suited for people that work, but remain in treatment.

The day my father overdoses on pain pills, i receive two job interviews.

So, whatever deity...God, Somebody, Karma, or just good ole Good Luck...Thank you for the opportunities. Thank you.

And, um, I'd ask for Whoever Your Are to give strength and support to me, Mom and Dad...but i think we've got that covered. It wouldn't hurt, though.



(Sorry this is long and cranky)

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