Edge of Darkness

The road was thick with over growth from the world claiming it back again. The weeds bent under the hood of the truck and it was as though it was nothing. Flashes of the life before flooded me. I could see no weeds just straight gravel with grass weaving in and out. I pulled up to the house. It was warm and inviting, alive even. I looked away for a moment and I could see the paint peeling and screens falling apart. One of the shutters on the porch was still trying to cling to the window. Truck rumbled to a stop like a growling bear hungry for anything. Shutting off the engine it jerked as it went into park. The door creaked open like it had since the day I lost them. It was one of the things that told me I was alone. I was home here. The stillness of it was awaken with sudden life. I grabbed the cans out of the back and walked toward the front door. Night became day as I looked at it again. The house was almost perfect with the sounds of life coming from it again. The piano was playing out a tune gently as if the breeze was washing through it. I knew better her delicate hands would be playing the keys. I walked up to the porch the familiar creak welcoming me. The door opened unlocked they had always been too trusting. The cans lead the way in my arms sloshing about. What I had done could never be undone. Thump. A heartbeat calling to me out of view and out of my body. I looked about the room. My eyes at first seeing the happy home I knew and loved. One blink and it was a dust choked room with memories left abandoned. The night would have made it hard for others to see but I could pick out everything. Jessie was no where to be seen but I did not figure she would still be here after all this time.

I left the cans by the piano and moved to the kitchen. I opened the back door and the breeze brought with it scents of wild flowers and roses. I knew it all too well. I wanted to stay here forever. I turn around and daylight had filled the room. I was waiting on my grandfather to walk in and pour himself more coffee. I could almost smell the slightly burnt coffee. A quick movement caught my eye. He was here with me. My feet slammed against the floor before I could think of cashing after him. My bedroom with its silence defining. He was gone again. “I will make this right I will fix it!” The bed still unmade and covered with deep thick dust as though someone had dumped a few pounds of dirty flower. Past and present mixing together I just wanted to see him again. I wanted him to know I was sorry. I had come here to finish the job that had been started. I looked in the mirror. It was night again. The house was silent other than the wind whipping through it. I wiped my hand down it and he was there behind me. I touched his face in the glass taking in the cold unfeeling moments. His eyes a hurt and lonely green calling to me. His face pale and lifeless. I needed to fix this. I needed to make it right. I turned but he was gone. I would be seeing him soon enough.

I turned back to the mirror. “Please let him be here. Let him know the truth I did not want to leave him alone. I never meant for him to die.” The unfeeling cold glass stared at me. “Give him back! Set me free!” No response came from it. I felt the anger well up again in me spilling into my veins begging for it to be released. The shattering sound filled the empty space. Pieces fell hitting the floor like rain falling on the ground breaking and splashing up again. It needed to end now. I had only brought death and pain to everyone I met. I was the shadow and darkness. I was misery walking. I had proven that already. I could not let the other half of me win. I needed it to end. I was a monster, a killer, and worst of all I let more than just him be on the other side of the darkness that lived in me. I turned from the mirror and shards of me and went back down stairs. I touched the walls pulling my fingers against them. The swirls of texture moved under my fingers. I looked through illusioned eyes. I let the past fill me again with warmth. I hopped of the last stairs awaiting her to tell me to stop that. Nothing but silence came. I needed her. I needed that life. I may not have always done the right thing but I was not a killer like I was now. I would never have let her die. I would never have killed her. I would have stopped. I would have just sank back into my corner of the world and been forgotten. I needed to be forgotten.

I grabbed the cans the liquid sloshing in them waiting for release. I poured their contents filling the rooms. The smell filled me with relief. Soon this would be over. Soon I would atone for what I had done. Maybe he would find forgiveness for what I had stolen. The last room the living room, I poured the liquid over the floor and then the piano. I sat down on the seat moving my fingers over the top of the keys not touching them at first. I wanted her to be here. To show me the keys again. “Let mercy come and wash away the darkness I have put in the world. Let this be the right thing. Let their souls be free from me.” I wanted to beg out for mercy. I wanted someone to hear me but after what I had done nothing would set me free. Today this would end. I touched the keys playing the only thing I knew of Beethoven’s Fur Elise. It had been the only song I had ever wanted to know. I looked down at the keys and pausing to pull the lighter from my pocket. I opened it and dropped it on the piano. It took only a second of contact for the liquid to ignite.

Everything became ablaze. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked and could see her red nails against my skin. The smell of wet nail polish on them. “Time to head to bed.” Her voice so warm filling me with what I missed most. I had forgotten the sound of her voice. The smile that always seemed to warm the darkest of my moments was here. Why is it all I could think of? Why after everything I had done would I be given one last moment with her. If there was an after life I would not share it with her. I had done too many things that I could never take back. I would never know peace. I walked through the fire not feeling it back to my room. I kept looking back awaiting for her to disappear. Any moment I would be alone. That is the way it was supposed to be. This was my atonement. I took one last look and a smile washed over her face. I would be in my own bed for this ending. I lay on the bed waiting for the flames to consume me. I felt him next to me. He was there with me. I would not be alone in this end. He was so real. I moved to touch his face and found coldness I knew. His skin a marble soft and yet felt like my own. I traced down his face washing my hand over his face. The same lonely green eyes watching me. He was real. Thump. How?

It is only until we know the dept of the darkness in us that we can truly see the light.

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