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Notice: This Advice is free advice and only for (Fun). It is provided by person or persons not affiliated with the Unsolved Mysteries website and neither Unsolved Mysteries or the persons giving the advice will assume any responsibility for consequences for the actions you take as a result.
Date: 1/17/2009 2:44:00 PM
From Authorid: 62798
I will say a couple things. First: every relationship is different... and actions speak louder than words. Second: Ask yourself WHY you feel the strong need for continual reassurance? And try to figure out where you want to go from here and why you don't feel "in love". Good luck.  |
Date: 1/17/2009 2:46:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
PR, I don't see it as continual reassurance. Doesn't everyone want these things in a marriage?  |
Date: 1/17/2009 2:46:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
AO, Thanks... check your PM  |
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Date: 1/17/2009 2:48:00 PM
From Authorid: 62798
Well everyone has different ways of interacting. |
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Date: 1/17/2009 2:49:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
Maybe you're right PR. |
Date: 1/17/2009 2:50:00 PM
From Authorid: 21903
Wish I could help you; but the best i can say is that I hope things work out for you. I'll send some positive thoughts your way.   |
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Date: 1/17/2009 2:50:00 PM
From Authorid: 10245
Talk to him, sweetie. Let him know what you need. If he's the great guy you think he is, he'll knock himself out to give you what you need. Just don't expect him to get it right on his first try. Relationships take effort to make them work; unfortunately life is not like the fairy tales teach us. Also... a really good book is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Very often we don't speak "love" in the same language as out partner and knowing how he expresses his helps you to see and understand better. It's heavily Christian based, but if you can overlook that, it's a great healer. (hugs) the first year is the hardest, but if you're both committed to the work, you'll do just fine.  |
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Date: 1/17/2009 2:51:00 PM
From Authorid: 62798
I am not trying to blame you or criticize you. i am just trying to help. I truly hope things work out. Good luck and I wish you all the best. |
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Date: 1/17/2009 2:52:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
Thanks FF. Mercury, I'll look it up thanks. I've always been into self help books. Thank you! |
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Date: 1/17/2009 2:55:00 PM
From Authorid: 10245
here's a link to the overview of the "languages"... just reading that might help: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html |
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Date: 1/17/2009 3:03:00 PM
From Authorid: 62849
I don't really know what to say- things haven't changed since I got married. They've been the same, which has always been a huge focus on a lot of conversation and knowing one another well and wanting to spend time together. We make decisions together and talk about the future still and live together without fighting (well, sometimes we fight, lol). I think it's different from everyone, but I do think that a lot of times problems lie with expectations people had for the marriage and not in the marriage itself. Is it possible that you're not getting exactly what you hoped/expected and that bothers you? Or maybe your hormones and exhaustion from being pregnant are making you feel frustrated with the marriage when really it's just your body trying to compensate for being tired and overworked?  |
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Date: 1/17/2009 3:13:00 PM
From Authorid: 64197
Just like all people are different, so are marriages. You have to work on your marriage on a daily basis. People grow and change, as do relationships. Do you tell your hubby everyday that you love him? Do you tell him thank you when he does something for you or around the house without being asked? Do you guys go out on "dates"? Do the two of you sit and talk about your day and people that you know or your hopes and dreams? Do you have the kind of relationship where the two of you can sit down and talk about your feelings towards each other without getting into an argument? What exactly is it that you want out of this marriage that you feel like you are not getting? Is your hubby just your hubby or is he your best friend, the person that you can tell anything? Maybe he is not the type of person to say I love you everyday, all through out the day. Maybe he is not the type of person to call people by "pet" names. Maybe he is not the type of person to show affection. When you were dating him, was he the same person then that he is now? Is this been something that has bothered you for awhile or something that has just come about since you have been pregnant? If you are not in love with him now, will it really make a difference if he calls you by a name other than your first name? Will it make a difference if he tells you he loves you everyday, or holds your hand or kisses you before he leaves the house or when he gets home or before you go to sleep? I'm not being critical, just giving you some things that I think you should really think about. Maybe some counseling would help.  |
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Date: 1/17/2009 3:43:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
Purple Rose, No we don't talk. Maybe we need to talk more often. He's not the talking type and it frustrates me. Or if he will talk it'll probably be about what his day's been like, since he's very busy. We don't go out either, he comes home too exhausted to do anything else. Beags, I'd like to think it's my pregnancy but we were together for 7 months before I got pregnant and it's not any different. |
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Date: 1/17/2009 4:11:00 PM
From Authorid: 62849
How long did you know one another before you got married, and how did you meet? Maybe you're just in a rut and have to figure out where exactly you fell into it in order to know why you fell into it so you can fix it. |
Date: 1/17/2009 4:30:00 PM
From Authorid: 26303
Like everyone says, each marriage is different. However, a lot of marriages go through these sort of ruts. If your hubby wants to talk about his day, let him, ask him questions, the more interest you show, he will start to open up more. I learnt this early in my marriage. I cried about the same things as you. From there I talked about my day, although being at home seemed less exciting, I still had things to say. I had to tell my hubby that although he didn't need me to tell him that I loved him, I needed it from him. Did he get it? Not at first, or even second or third. It took time for him to realise that it was part of me, that I was more needy than he. Do you call him babe, or love, or sweetie? Cos if you do, in time he will too in time. Terms of endearment will come, but by using them and them becoming a natural way from you, will help him. My hubby used to think it was senseless to kiss me goodbye before he left anywhere. It took time, but now he just kisses me automatically, even after an arguement. He never goes to work without kissing me, unless he really wants to peeve me off. Absz, your marriage and relationship is only young. These things take time and patience and yes sometimes it takes fights. Marriages can be hard work, two people coming together with different ideas of a marriage can be difficult. You need to work at it. You say that you aren't in love with your hubby, and no doubt at this point in time you aren't. But that happens too. I go thru stages where I truly dislike my hubby, then bam, in he walks, gives me that smile, or touch or he does something really thoughtful and I'm all gooey again. Mood swings. We all have them, and sometimes when we feel low nothing seems right. Believe it or not being pregnant really does affect how you feel. Right now you won't realise it, but once you've had bubs, and things move on you will look back and see it. Well it was like that for me. Absz, I truly hope that you hang in there and allow time to help you with your marriage. Don't give up just yet.  |
Date: 1/17/2009 4:51:00 PM
From Authorid: 40145
maybe he is not the talking type. My fiance isn't the talking typpe and Im prefectly happy with him, he will say he loves me and hugs kisses once in every 2 to 3 days. he is just the way he is so maybe that is the way your hubby is  be patient with him, have a small talk with him and tell him how you feel.  |
Date: 1/17/2009 5:39:00 PM
From Authorid: 21764
yes, i received the 5 love languages book as a wedding present and it has really helped me understand my husband's wants and needs as compared to my own.. you should def take a look at it, hope you are feeling better about things soon sweetie! *hugs*  |
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Date: 1/17/2009 6:03:00 PM ( Admin )
One idea is to start doing to him what you want to have done to yourself. Call him by endeering names, tell him you love him, etc. Sometimes examples are the best teachers. -Rad.. Absz |
Date: 1/17/2009 7:24:00 PM
From Authorid: 1799
No you aren't asking too much, but you need to talk to him. Or else he'll never know what he's doing wrong.  |
Date: 1/17/2009 7:55:00 PM
From Authorid: 14909
Talk to him about how you feel. Keep looking into his eyes.You will know if he's serious about your relationship or not within a few minutes into the conversation. A woman always knows.  |
Date: 1/17/2009 8:35:00 PM
From Authorid: 15677
oh sissy....love hunny is the only answer |
Date: 1/18/2009 12:10:00 AM
From Authorid: 53052
the first years of marriage can be really really hard with all the sudden changes in your life, being pregnant doesn't help(all those hormones and emotions running wild). you start by comparing him to your first love, though some say we never fully get over our first loves it's time to let him go and just let it be a sweet memory, sorta stop thinking about the past and throw yourself into the current and future with your husband and baby. Talking to your husband is a good place to start, try to set up time for you two to get out (say his day off you get out of the house and do something together like a date night) marriage isn't easy, you will have good days and bad days, ups and downs  |
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Date: 1/18/2009 12:39:00 PM
From Authorid: 10614
Well, to me, marriage is just taking a relationship to another level. My husband is sweet and thoughtful (most of the time) and loving. If he knows I am awake, he calls me from wok on his break, but he gets home from work at 1pm, so ( I know late sleeper) sometimes the baby and I are not awake yet. My family has what I call a night owl gene, it affects most of the women in my family and my daughter has it. So she tend sto be up late and sleep late waking up in time to be diapered, changed and in her highchair eating when Papa gets home from work. Very rarely does he use my first name, I am always being called Hunny Bunny or Sweetie. Although it had probably been almost 4 months since we have been "like bunnies" we do share intimacy as we snuggle and spoon at night, kiss and hug. Ariana, the baby, sleeps with us, helps with bonding and it allows her to feel closer to us, allowing for more independance during the day. But, you must keep in mind, my husband is not a normal American man. His mom is, as he calls it, "off the boat German", though has recently gotten her US citizenship, she has been here and married for more than 35 years. His mom did not raise him with completely american customs, he also has some German family values, which I think makes a differance. He was 32 when we got married and he was still living with his parents. Not because he could not afford his own place, it was because he saw no reason to move out. We now live in the apartment above them and we are a very close family, in my opinion. Ariana sees her grandparents at least 3-4 times a week and anytime we go somewhere, when we get home, we visit with them first. I believe it is that upbringing that has given me the wonderful gift that I have now. As far as your husband, talk to him, let him know how you feel. I have not read any of the other comments, as I wanted my reply to be untainted by what everyone else had to say, but I have always found that a relationship must be built on trust and communication. If you do not feel that you can talk to him, then you will always be unhappy.  |
Date: 1/18/2009 2:17:00 PM
From Authorid: 1432
I think the replies above are really good advice!  |
Date: 1/19/2009 6:34:00 PM
From Authorid: 36901
I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. Especially now that you're pregnant. Chances are, he has no clue that he's hurting you. In his mind, he is probably more focused on supporting you and your child. He's doing what he thinks is expected of him. You're going to have to come right out and tell him how you're feeling. He may even be feeling the same way himself, but doesn't know how to get his feelings out. Just be gentle, honest and don't be accusing. I hope the two of you can talk and get things worked out.  |
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Date: 1/20/2009 2:28:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
Thanks everyone for your advice. I still haven't plucked up the courage to talk to him yet. But I will soon enough when I'm less stressed out. *Hugs everyone* |
Date: 1/23/2009 8:15:00 PM
From Authorid: 47218
Welcome to marriage. The butterflies and rainbows are behind you, and now you are looking at what a relationship is really about- lots and lots of work. If you feel that something is lacking, then you are going to have to communicate it to him and see what can be done to make it better (if he's willing to work with you)...and more than likely, the issue will come up over and over again, and you will find yourself tackling it again and again, until, hopefully, you figure out a resolution.  |
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Date: 1/30/2009 7:00:00 AM
From Authorid: 10657
I had thought about this and then lost my internet connection however, there were several things I wanted to say I could be wrong but, a lot of gentlemen especially in your given culture aren't prone to being affectionate and lovey dovey if you will. With that being said you are also, pregnant so things are going to seem really terrible or really great it's part of life's cycle when, you think you are happy and content your hormones start going haywire and telling you wait a minute. Talk to your hubby and let him know, that while you feel loved and cherished you need to know that you are. Let him know that if, it's just a little I love you note or a have a nice day note left on your pillow before, he leaves for the day that it means so much more to you  Good luck sweetie and I know it's none of my business but, was it an arranged marriage or by choice?  |
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Date: 1/31/2009 4:27:00 AM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 21266
TADA ANGI, it wasn't technically arranged....we just didn't "date" or did anything of that sort...he saw me abroad a few times and proposed...there were a few other gentlemen who wanted to propose as well and he went straight to my dad begging him for my hand....lol so Im guessing...yes he really did want me as a wife. You can check out my new post in a while, everything's looking so much better thank God.. |
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