Just some thoughts because I feel happy and accomplished........ ~Rika~

I think life has a wonderful way of making itself work out in everyone's favor at some point.

Take me for instance.. I spent my entire school-aged years trying to be something I wasn't. In middle school/early high school, I tried to fit in with the "cool crowd," but couldn't quite hack it, because I was so timid and awkward. I admit it.. I just didn't have the personality for popularity back then. I was far too self-aware and never felt like I could relate to anybody.

Because of my self-pitying and the "depression" that for some reason I felt I truly identified with, I gained some weight and started hating myself even more. Undoubtedly, the cruel hierarchy of high school deemed me a "loser." I went through a horrible time and attempted suicide.. I spent two and a half weeks in the hospital. Once back in school, I had a new look.. this time, I had dyed my hair black and started wearing predominantly black clothing. I also dropped some weight because of the medication I was on, but still felt uncomfortable with my body. I adopted a new group of friends and listened to new music.. I pretty much reinvented myself into what I felt was "really me." In reality, I was just crying out for attention. [I'm not saying everyone who chooses this lifestyle is crying out for attention, but for me, that was the case.]

Many good things came out of that period of rebirth. For one, I met some valuable friends who I still cherish to this day; one of those individuals is my boyfriend of a year and a half who I met six years ago while in the beginning stages of my change. I also picked up some interests that I otherwise wouldn't have. My extensive knowledge on ancient Egypt, body modification, serial killers, psychology, and Edgar Allan Poe [I can recite The Raven by heart!] probably wouldn't be very extensive at all today if I hadn't gone through such a morbid period in my life.

If I wouldn't have made myself look like a complete freak to other people in high school, I wouldn't be as good at make-up as I am now. Make-up was part of the costume and I never wore it before then. Now, people ask me for cosmetic advice on a daily basis. I had a knack for it that I tapped into.

By far the most benefiting result is that I am finally, for once in my life, comfortable with and at peace with myself. Through what seems to be a trivial and childish phase of my life [what I sheepishly refer to as my "super goth" days], I have found who I really am and I've never been happier. Dressing the way I did made me vulnerable to criticism from everyone- my parents and siblings.. my teachers.. my extended family and friends.. people driving by me on the street or walking by me in the mall. I've heard every insult in the book and it made me stronger. My personality has changed and grown. I'm more confident, more self-assured, MUCH less insane, and much more fun.

I went to the bar recently back in my hometown with a friend and I was surprised to see a lot of the kids I went to high school with there. Most of them just stared at me without saying anything, but a few of them told me how great I looked and that they didn't even recognize me. It made me realize that... well, screw high school. It was hell for me, but I'm more awesome in and out because of it.

I just wanted to share my joy with everyone.. I love life. I recently started a yoga program and it's making me feel really great about myself, so that's probably why I'm so happy.

What are some obstacles that you conquered that completely changed you as a person? I'm in the mood to hear. =)

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