...A Mans Pride...or Stubbornness...Is Often His Downfall......Agent Smith

Hi Guys,

Sorry this is a mite long - some may see it as funny, others maybe as just pathetic and a reason why I think the UN are considering classing me as a Weapon of Mass Destruction...



I've been chatting with another USMer about a bit of drama I've had recently regarding the bad weather we're experiencing where I live and a tiny leak in the roof of my car garage. Well - initially it was tiny...however after numerous efforts on my part to emulate Tim 'the Toolman' Taylor *cue Toolman grunt* and do a bit of D.I.Y Home Handyman work...coupled with the burning desire for me to exert my manliness with various tools...well...the tiny leak grew and grew into something resembling a torrent last night.

To bring you up to speed: My wife and I purchased a house at the end of last year - lovely big house that is right on the waterfront where I live. It's magic, and simply amazing to relax out on the balcony during the evening enjoying a wee drink looking out over the water towards the lights of the city.

The other reason I was so excited about - and adament I wanted - this house was it had a deep 4-car garage. Deep and wide enough you could get 8 cars in there if you wanted - and as some of you know I'm somewhat of a car-nut and have accrued various vehicles over the years which tend to sit under covers just waiting for that time I actually find some time to do something with them. A number of the cars however are either newish, road-going, some modified and customised and one that I've kept for years that is a show-car I used to enter in various Import Car Shows...customised this that and the other...the kind of car I take out briefly maybe a few times a year, on only the finest of days and then spend the rest of the day cleaning it spotless again.

So anyway...thats my garage. A collection of cars, car parts, engines/gearboxes, alloys/tyres, tools galore. It's my Man-Cave. It's my refuge. It's the place I scurry away and hide from my wife at those times that it's most certainly wise to scurry and hide - and I know ALL you married men out there feel me on that!

So...the leak...well: Early this year we had a spot of rain, heavier than normal. I noticed a bit of a puddle on my garage floor the next day and after a bit of investigation discovered a cracked tile on the garage roof from whence the aforementioned leak was emanating (heh, I'm attempting to sound intelligent because trust me the following actions I'm about to relay to you all are anything but!). My wife suggested we get in a Builder to look at it and give us a quote to fix it. Ha! Ha I say! I am Man! I have tool! Me fix! Hear me grunt! *cue Toolman grunt once more*. My wife, while watching me clamber up onto the garage roof said "Honey - I think we really should get a proper Builder in". For shame! How dare she cast such dispersions upon my manliness! So into it I went, removed the cracked tile and replaced it with a brand spanking new one.

It was with much self-satisfaction and a silent look of "Heh - oh ye of little faith" shot towards my wife that I put away my tools, cracked open a cold beer and reflected upon my superior handyman abilities.



Warp forward to the next heavy rainfall a few weeks later. And a now larger puddle on my garage floor. Add in the NOT so silent "Heh - oh ye of far too much faith" look shot at me by my wife. Once again, my wife says "I think we'd better get a Builder in honey, we don't want this leak getting any worse, particularly not in the garage with your cars and tools in there".

Unbeknownst to me, while I'm away at work, she arranges for a Builder to come, assess and quote to repair the leak. Quote came to $800 to replace, reseal and coat a few tiles and do a few other things to ensure the leak wouldn't come back. The Builder also said that it'd be wise to do the work as soon as possible as the approaching Winter and it's cold snaps will cause the more brittle tiles to freeze, expand, crack and create even more and/or larger leaks.

Nay I say! Nay! I am Man! I have tool! Me fix! Hear me grunt! *cue even more determined Toolman grunt this time* $800! No I say. I don't care if we can afford to pay someone to fix it - thats not the point! I am Man! I have tool! Me fix! Hear me grunt! *cue sigh of despair from wife*

So...off I set to the Hardware and Trade Supplies Store...around I go with trolley and grab everything I as Man know I'll need...back home I return...up ladder I clamber...and me fix! For me have tool and am Man! *louder sigh of despair from wife shaking her head watching from frontyard*



Warp forward a few more weeks to next heavy rainfall. I think I saw a shark-fin weaving its way through the sea of water that greeted me when I opened the garage door the next morning.

"I'm calling the Builder. This is ridiculous" says wife reaching for phone. "No, step away from that phone. I know what the problem is. I'll fix it this time I swear!" says I *cue slightly unconvincing grunt this time* *cue wife throwing hands up in disgust and driving off to work with the demand its fixed by the time she returns or she's getting the Builder in*

I look. I assess. I look again. I assess some more. I convince myself I know what I'm doing. I visit the Hardware Store again.

I replace some of the roof-lining and sealant on the underside of the garage roof. This requires some skillful contortioning on my part inside my garage, balancing on the top of a ladder and half hanging off one of the supporting cross-beams of my garage. (Oh - you KNOW this can only end in tears) Bit more...just stretch out a bit more...just a smidgen more...I can almost reach it...just...just *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!* Ladder shakes, topples, with cat-like reflexes I snatch on to the crossbeam as the ladder falls...in THE most painful slow-motion...towards my show-car.

I can't even bring myself to relive what happened next. I still have nightmares at 2am waking and screaming "NO!!!!! Not the paintwork!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!" Ever so delicately I lifted the ladder away from the side of my car, pulled back the car-cover to reveal a 10 cm long scratch down the paintwork. In disgust I throw the car-cover onto the workbench - and wait - theres still more *clunk - glug glug* <--- thats the sound of a paintcan being knocked from a shelf, falling into the workbench and then spilling a good deal of its contents over the workbench - AND MY IPOD AND CELLPHONE SITTING ON WORKBENCH!!!!!!!!!!!

Right! Thats it! Up the ladder I storm, sealant and tiles and building paper are flying everywhere, tools are flicking and clicking a mile a minute...until *gleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm* There. A sealed roof. Finished. Done. *phew*

Wife returns. I in no way mention the circus performance I did from the rafters, the scratch on the side of my car, the spilling of paint nor the fact I'd be buying a new Ipod and cellphone asap EXACTLY like my last ones so she NEVER finds out.

She looks up at the roof. I smile. She says "We'll see" and walks inside.



Warp forward to last night... ...blustery Southerlies with its rain that just gets up under everything - which in the city I live in are vicious. In fact its what we are reknown for here...the ferocity of those Southern gales tearing in off the water. "Better check the garage honey" says the wife smuggly while still watching the TV "Nah - it'll be fine" I reply somewhat nervously. *the sound of wind and rain grows heavier* "Might want to check the garage honey" says the wife settling down with a cup of tea" "Oh. No. It'll be fine. I'm sure" says I with my leg starting to twitch as I snatch a glance out towards the garage.

...by the next ad-break I'm sprinting outside and flicking open the garage door...

...you know, I'm a big fan of the beauty of waterfalls...not so much though when they are in my garage...

...out come the large tarpaulin covers from the garage, the ladder, more tools, nails and all manner of things get stuck into my toolbelt...up I clamber, desparately trying to hold the large tarpaulin in the growing winds. I cover, I nail, I secure...I lay hammer down on tarpaulin...

...you know those Matrix moments...you know, when Neo is dodging those bullets and everything s-l-o-w-s r-i-g-h-t d-o-w-n...a bit like that ladder falling...well, it was in a similar fashion that I watched a gust of wind collect up a corner of the tarp, slip it out from under its securing point and then flick itself upwards...

...you know that hammer I had laid down on the tarpaulin? Yeah. Cue Matrix bullet-time as it's flicked up with the tarp, spinning oh so delicately - pirouetting even like some dainty Ballerina - towards the upper corner bedroom window.



Yes.



So.



...today we've got a Builder fixing the garage roof...

...we've got a Glazier replacing the window...

...and an attrition list that includes an Ipod, Cellphone, can of paint, panel/paint touchup, numerous tiles, sealant, building paper and various other things...a huge dose of pride...and a BIG chunk of my butt coz you know that the wife chewed on it big time!

...I doubt I as Man will be able to even be allowed to mow the lawns let alone come within 10-feet of a tool for some time...



Peace.

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