To send a letter? ~*Sam Spade*~

I was wondering if it’s appropriate to use a letter or an email to address issues with anyone, be it friends or family.

I’m having issues with a friend who I see at least every fortnight but there’s no way I feel able to raise these issues with her. It’s not that I don’t know what to say to her, it’s that even though I might request that I not be interrupted while I speak, I feel she will most certainly interrupt me and I will never get to say what I need to say.

If you heard our conversations at all, you’d notice that she dominates them. I can barely get a word in edgeways. Often, if I have something to say, I have to say it when she’s finished speaking a sentence because if I wait until the end, either I forget what I was going to say or she’s cleverly moved onto a sub-topic so that what I was going to say is not relevant to what she’s just said. What I find though when I’ve waited for her to finish her sentence so I can add something, sometimes, it’s as if she quickly determines that what I’m saying isn’t worth listening to and begins to talk over me. And if I am able to begin a whole new topic, sometimes it’s ok but I know when she’s not interested and wants me to hurry up and finish because I get no encouragement by appropriate vocalisations or questions. Instead I get a series of “Mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm,” in very quick succession which is incredibly off putting.

She’s totally uninterested in knowledge that I impart. That doesn’t mean to say I just spout a load of trivia to make myself sound intelligent and that I know a lot of things. What I mean is, for example, she was telling me of this situation and a professional had made it known that a particular service was available. My friend named that service and I knew what it was and said, “Oh yes, we offer that service at the organisation I work at.” She completely ignored what I said and went onto say that she and her husband weren’t consenting to it until they knew exactly what it was, yet here was the perfect opportunity for her to ask me what that service involved. I just felt she didn’t want to know any more about what I said because it came from me, so I just shut up.

There have been other things: when she’s been harping on about certain services not being available. She said she’d even spoke to quite a senior professional who told her so. Yet, when I went to the individual organisations’ websites, I did indeed find out that what my friend said wasn’t available was in fact available. It left me in doubt as to whether she actually had spoken to this senior professional because they should have known this since they oversee all these organisations. Clearly my friend hadn’t looked at these websites because the information is there in black and white. So when she next moaned about this service not being available I suggested she look at the individual organisations’ websites and I explained what I found. Then, the next time we spoke, she again moaned these services weren’t available. It seemed she not only chose to ignore what I’d said, she didn’t even bother to check for herself whether what I’d said was true or not! This was further evident because she tried to tell me the location of one of the organisations. Had she actually checked that particular organisation's website, its address is on the main page and she would have known it wasn’t where she thought it was. It just feels as if she’s decided that what comes out of my mouth isn’t worth listening to.

I was confiding in this with my Mum and later, my boss for a professional perspective because my friend’s grievances involve people in the same profession as us which is why I feel insulted at some of the things my friend has been saying. Both my Mum and my boss said it sounded like my friend wanted people to do the leg-work for her. I sort of agreed with them and said, “Yes, this might be my friend’s way of asking for help by saying this or that isn’t available which can set other people off looking just to see what is actually available but she doesn’t do anything with the knowledge given to her. She ignores it and still maintains that it doesn’t exist.”

So, as you can see, my friend is not the easiest person to talk to face-to-face. I certainly don’t feel confident in addressing issues in person with her as I just don’t feel I’d get to say what I needed to say before I’m interrupted.

I’ve drafted a letter (or email) to her and have been going through it with a fine-tooth comb because I don’t want her to feel attacked even though the letter explains that some of things she’s said has hurt my feelings, I’ve felt insulted and I’ve felt attacked by her.

In this case, would you think a letter/email is appropriate? And if so, would you want me to post it here for you to check what I intend to write just to make sure I don’t write anything that will antagonise or insult because that is not my goal?

Many thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.

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