Recovering from anything is difficult....
I just hate it that I just do not seemto be able to recover, whenever I seem to be getting better, is whenever I seem to also be withdrawing into myself more and becoming more and more depressed, or when I stop the eating disorder and I start to cut, or vise versa, and I am really sick of it. Now I know that bo of them are linked....but I just do not seem to be able to stop both....becuase one always takes over with the otherone, and it is really annoying.
I also dont like to burden people, but for me this is a constant struggle. Now over the past two years I have gotten a lot better...however at the moment I am slowly getting back into the 'bad' faze....which I do not like...
I know that I am not alone, but also I do not like to talk with people who have the same problems as me, becuase I get frustrated, and I like to elp people, and it should not be the other way around...I hate people saying omg that is terrible, and I do not like sympathy, because I am a strong willed person and I like helping people, and their are a lot of people with things that are a lot worse than mine...but for some reason I also do want to be hugged and told that everything will be ok...that I am strong, and I really want someone to talk too....
I can not tell my family...I have never been able to tell anyone whom I do not trust...At the moment the family I live with I do trust, however not like that...the family is very self consiuos, and cares a lot about weight, and losing or gaining weight, which I dont know whether it helps me or not...
But in the end I know that it is only me who can change...and the thing is that I want to change, but the other fact is that I am scared of gaining weight...and then I would punish myself for that....its like a continious roller coasting ride...
and seriously I am sick of talking about it, I am sick of being sick, I am sick of not being able to be my true self, which I dont know what it is anymore...I dont want to have any responsibility anymore, because I really cant live with myself, but if I dont have responsibility I lose myself completely....
I just cant win, becuase I just do not know what to do with myself, or where I am going....I have a lot to think about.
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