Date: 1/30/2006 9:28:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
After talking with my Dad tonight I am even more worried because of the women my younger sister keeps trying to "fix him up with", how soon is too soon? Mom only passed away June 30th, 2005 and Karen keeps trying to get him dates. We have a lawsuit pending on her death which only matters to me as far as liability. Any proceeds would be donated to Hospice of Northwest Ohio at this point, but my sister worries me, or am I wrong?  |
Date: 1/30/2006 9:36:00 PM
From Authorid: 62146
Well maybe the first thing you need to do is to tell your sister to stop setting your farther up with these random women, it's not good for him. Now as for your healing process I think You need a greif consoler.  |
Date: 1/30/2006 9:37:00 PM
From Authorid: 63280
You're not wrong in worrying about your father. What your family has been through is something I can't even imagine and I am truly sorry for your loss. You might want to sit down and have a talk with your father to see if it bothers him, how much he's moved on or still coping, etc. Be honest and express your concerns with him as well. In the end it is his decision whether he continues to allow your sister to fix him up, but it never hurts to keep the lines of communication open between you two. There isn't really a set amount of time for this sort of thing - people heal at their own pace. The only way it would be too soon is if you're father has not moved on or is jumping into relationships for the wrong reasons. Hope this helps and take care ~ Coffee Goddess  |
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Date: 1/30/2006 9:48:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
Losing two so close together, you may be right, except that I know that death happens, sometimes comes to close together for some of us, And I know they are both okay, but I worry about my Dad and how alone he is, how vulnerable, and I know how much his "estate" may be attractive to to some with few dollars, should I just stop caring and mind my own business? It isn't about money as I have a good income and so does my husband. But I worry about my brother's son who should have been left his estate. Social security is well enough but I want to know this child has money enough for college and my brother left more than enough in life insurance. All at once my dad has all these women "doting" on him. Should I not worry? Again, I am financially stable, own a very nice home, and have a very lucretive income, any income I inherit will be donated to charity, Hospice for sure on my part, but how soon is too soon? |
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Date: 1/30/2006 9:51:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
Coffee Goddess, I did talk to my Dad tonight and he seems "uncomfortable", I think Karen is pushing him to find another relationship much too quickly. He isn't ready, and yet she keeps "finding" dates. |
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Date: 1/30/2006 9:55:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
Why do you think I need someone to help with my grief? I can get through that. Being a nurse has helped me there, but I'm more concerned about my Dad. It isn't just the money, he will always be okay, BUT I do know that it is attractive to some as he as a very hefty bank account now. Why should I not worry and where should I start? |
Date: 1/30/2006 9:58:00 PM
From Authorid: 16671
Your right to worry, and your sister should stop and allow your dad time to really heal in his heart. However if something did come up and he got comfort from a woman and even thought he might marry her, I'd be talking like a dutch uncle to have him sign a pre nup. I"m off to bed and brenda, I'm so sorry once again for your loss. And NO your not moving too slow, its been nine years for me, and it is still a great loss. Goodnight hon.  |
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Date: 1/30/2006 9:59:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
My brother left a very large amount of money to my Mom which went to my Dad after her death. At this point, he has a very hefty bank balance as well as income. So I am concerned. |
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Date: 1/30/2006 10:07:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
Deb, that made sense. I worry about him. I have a very good income and a beautiful home, BUT MY brother's legacy and my mother's legacy should be donated if my Dad is financially okay and he is. Except that my younger sister keeps "hooking him up" with people she knows. The latest is a mother who drinks too much. Why shouldn't I worry? Karen is making me angry, I can't help that. I don't care about the "estate", cause I'm okay money wise, but isn't it too soon? And the women are not anyone I care for. So do I back off and keep my lips shut as I have or should I say something? |
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Date: 1/30/2006 10:18:00 PM
From Authorid: 63280
Then from what you said, it sounds like you need to have a sit down with your sister. As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with worrying about things, especially considering the situation, and there is no shame in wanting to protect your father from relationships he does not feel comfortable with and possibly people that are out for money. Bottom line is, listen to your heart - if it's telling you something is wrong and you need to step in, go with it. Doubt is a hard thing to overcome, but if you're well intentioned and you know where your father stands, then the worst that could happen is that you and your sister will disagree but will hopefully reach an understanding. Good luck ~ Coffee Goddess |
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Date: 1/30/2006 10:20:00 PM
From Authorid: 63280
Oh, and as far as the financial matters are concerned, there's no harm in having a conversation about it. Perhaps you can open it up with what do you think we should do with it? See where it leads and add your suggestion as well. If it's really something they would want then you should do your best to try and make it happen unless it would create great conflict in your family in which case i would suggest that you hold off on discussing it a little longer. ~ CG |
Date: 1/30/2006 10:27:00 PM
From Authorid: 42945
Brenda! I think you need to talk with your sis about this whole business of her trying to set your Dad up with someone, he can do that on his own when he feels its the right time, and I sure as heck would be saying something to her about the latest one, that one sounds like she is looking for a meal ticket and your sis is helping her, its not right.....and as far as your brothers estate, if he has a son, shouldn't he be given his fathers estate??? It's true how the old saying goes "Money is the root of all evil" and especially in the wrong hands!!!! I hope all works out for your Dad and some kind of normality can come into his life without interference of unwanted "fixing up"....*hugs* hun  |
Date: 1/30/2006 10:52:00 PM
From Authorid: 28193
I would be worried, if it was me. I agree with Zema, that woman sounds like a gold digger. Do you live near your Dad? He doesn't need to be around anybody that drinks too much!  |
Date: 1/31/2006 1:16:00 AM
From Authorid: 53961
The way I understand it is the grandson will not receive Social Security after he is 18. This happened with my daughter and she was still in high school when her dad came down with cancer and went on Social Security Disability. I would make sure your dad understands this so he might possibly set up a trust fund for him for college, etc. If you don't need your share, then perhaps the grandchildren could also receive trust funds. It's tough, I know. I lost my mom amd my son and it is not easy. Healing takes time. Take all the time you need. My son has been gone nine years this year and every birthday I drive 600 miles round trip to take a new flag to his grave. It's my way of healing.  |
Date: 1/31/2006 5:36:00 AM
From Authorid: 53052
any chance your father could move in with you or you with him? it sounds like he really needs family around him after loseing your life(your partner) it's not a easy thing to bounce back from it can be very lonely expecially if it was just the two of them in the house.. the more you are around him, it will help him, it will take time.. as for the finacials you should talk to your sister.. let the money sit there... give him time to grieve before bringing up options of what to do with the money  |
Date: 1/31/2006 7:51:00 AM
From Authorid: 21203
I agree with the others, you and especially your father need time to grieve. I would talk to your Dad one on one ask ask him how he feels about this - dating. He might not feel comfortable telling your sister "no thank you". In your comments - you said (basically) your Dad is a "lost pup", he might be doing what he thinks OTHERS think is right. There (as you know) time line to grieving, people grieve at their own paces. As far as the Estate, you do care - you are considering your brothers wishes and wanting to donate it to Hospice. A family meeting needs to happen. (sorry if I'm sounding aggressive - I have other family members that tried to tell my Dad what to do - makes me very upset/mad). My heart goes out to you - you are not alone. I am here for you if you need anything. illumy  |
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Date: 1/31/2006 8:39:00 AM
From Authorid: 16671
Sorry went to bed early, NO you do not keep your mouth shut, you go to your sister and tell her to back off and give him some breathing space. Also ask her why she is pickin such crummy women in the first place? |
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Date: 1/31/2006 8:15:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
Thanks Zema, for pointing that out. It hasn't been a year yet and I wasn't thinking. |
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Date: 1/31/2006 8:40:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
I appreciate each and every comment, all the advice and good words. I called my Dad again tonight. Dad is not over missing Mom. Every word he says is about Mom. No one can measure up. BUT, I think he wants to please his girls, there are four of us left. We each have our own private grief and we each love our Dad and want only for him to be happy. I know Karen thinks she is being helpful, but my Dad isn't following up with these "dates" that Karen keeps arranging and she is the only one doing this. As for my brother, his son does recieve Social Security benefits, but he left behind a large life insurance policy that none of us knew about until after he had been buried. I would like the money to be earmarked for his son's college education and some for Hospice. My Dad isn't wealthy, but he is very well set, in good health and continues to work. He would never live with any of us at this point because he has a very beautiful home, which was my Mother's home. I doubt I would like anyone else living there. But I do want my Dad to be happy, it just seems "too soon" to "fix him up" and Karen hasn't stopped, I think this last one was the third or fourth one. Like I said, she is younger than me, has children, and very little income. I am not happy at all. Also she has a drinking problem from what my Dad told me. Likes to party and this just isn't him at this point. Karen loved Mom very much so I just can't understand why she keeps trying to "fix" my Dad up with just anyone. He is still grieving, I know that and he has said that each one just "isn't like Mom". Should I take a chance an tell Karen how much I dislike what she is doing. I don't want there to be anger or hard feelings, but there is only a few months since Mom passed, and my brother's estate went to my Dad after Mom passed. I would rather his financial belongings go to his son or Hospice rather than a gold digger, and I worry about that. Should I back off and mind my own business. I have let Dad know in some ways how I feel. and he seems okay with that. |
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Date: 1/31/2006 9:37:00 PM
From Authorid: 53052
look into your area about senior classes, and groups and hospice for people who have lost a spouse, i'm sure there is something out there that can help him... he is probably very lonely at the moment |
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Date: 1/31/2006 9:56:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
Thanks Midnightly, I know he is. I just wish I could help him more. That advice is good and I wish it would work for him but he is very stubborn and wouldn't consider it. He works full time and and has each of us "pestering" him every night, and yet I know he is lonely and missing Mom, I think more time must pass. |
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Date: 1/31/2006 10:05:00 PM
From Authorid: 53052
i agree time just has to pass.. he's lost the person what was part of his life... so he lost a part of his life... just getting him to be around people and not locking himself up in his home is a good thing(maybe that is what your sister is trying to do by setting him up on dates BUT dating isnt really the right thing) all you can really do is be there for him... and when he is ready to move on he will.. maybe see if he is open to vollenteering with a hospice that was important to your mother in her memory |
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Date: 2/24/2006 6:27:00 AM
From Authorid: 63312
How is everything going with you and your dad? |
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Date: 2/24/2006 9:09:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
My Dad and I are fine. We talk very frequently and I visit often. He admits that these "dates" do not measure up to Mom. I don't care about the money, I have a decent income, and I want my Dad to be happy but I feel that we all are still "raw" when it comes to the pain we have suffered. My brother died a very hard death after living over two years with cancer and cancer treatments. I want his estate either left with his son or Hospice. My Mom passed very quickly after my brother and I know my Dad is lonely. BUT he doesn't need to find someone so soon. I have talked to him and expressed my feelings after giving this much thought. Midnightly, that is a great suggestion. I talked to so many people who were patients at Hospice while my brother was there. One thing I know was that so many lacked, was a listening ear, someone who just listened and cared, and not just the patients but the families. Many times when I sat in the chapel, I talked to others who needed to talk as much as I did. We all had one thing in common, why we were there, and how much we wanted to help, and how little we felt we could give. Hospice is wonderful, but it isn't just about the patients, the families are going through the worst time in life as well. |
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Date: 3/3/2006 9:56:00 PM
From Authorid: 53961
I hope things are better and you all have a good support pool to draw from. {{{HUGGS}}} |
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Date: 9/15/2009 9:27:00 PM ( From Author )
From Authorid: 12341
an update, My dad is selling his home and moving in with his girlfriend Shirley, it's been over 4 years, BUT I never knew what even happened to Mom's belonging's. A weird twist, a "coincidence" if you will, is that her son in law is my dead ex-husbands cousin. That shocked me, he called me and said I should come over before he moves out, "one last time", I can never seem to catch him at home though. I keep telling me, let it go, let it go... |
