computer jokes ~Muscuoniony

10 Signs You Bought A Bad Computer Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

The only chip inside is a Dorito.

You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection. ___________________________________________________________________________________

Jokes Central

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20 words that don't exist, but ought to

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear or nose).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt'> v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay'> n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

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Net Addict's Reality Test Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test. Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:



What do you think are good names for children? a) Scott and Jenny. b) Bill Gates IV. c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

What's a telephone? a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others. b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys. c) Something you plug into a modem.

Which punctuation is most correct? a) I had a wonderful day! b) I had a **wonderful** day!!! c) I had a wonderful day :-)

You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to: a) Visit the washroom. b) Raid the fridge. c) Check your E-mail.

What are RAM and ROM? a) A male sheep and a city in Italy. b) Hulking stars of the WWF. c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

To avoid a virus you should: a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough. b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times". se virus scanning software every time you boot up.

When you want to buy something hard-to-find you: a) Ask friends where to purchase it. b) Check out the Yellow Pages. c) Go to Yahoo!

When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you: a) Call the retailer. b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number. c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

When you're interested in someone at a party you say: a) Tell me more about yourself. b) What's your star sign? c) What's your Profile?

If you really like the person, you say: a) Could you tell me your phone number? b) What's your E-mail address? c) Let's chat Private.

When I say spam, you think: a) Ham in a can. b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail. c) I mailbomb all spammers!

When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say: a) I don't need another mug coaster. b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups. c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

When you want to research a reference you: a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia. b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive. c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

When you write a letter you: a) Put pencil to paper. b) Open Eudora. c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?

Different types of text formatting include: a) Writing and printing. b) Underline and double-strike. c) Bold and italic.

You correct errors using: a) An eraser. b) White-out. c) Backspace or delete.

You sign your name: a) Best regards, John Smith. b) See you in IRC, John_Smith. c) Check out my home page for the cool links, [email protected].

To keep a copy of your letter you: a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet. b) Take it to the photocopier. c) Check your Sent Mail folder. SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.

If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Muscuoniony (thought these were kind of funny