= = = HANDY LITTLE HELPFUL HINTS = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Handy Little Helpful Hints

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

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THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY:

I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.

Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.

Before we go out we have to get the rules straight.

Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.

That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.

Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?

This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?

Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.

You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.

I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?

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As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. IT WAS NOT MUSTARD! No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, -Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

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Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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Grandma is reading a childrens animal book to little Bubba. This is a pig. What sound does a piggy make? Oink ! Oink! said little Bubba. This is a cow and what sound does a cow make? Moo! Moo! said little Bubba. This is a ducky and what sound does a ducky make? AFLAC! AFLAC!

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Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the Other,

"What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?"

The other blondes give her a puzzled look and replies,

"Helloooooooooooooooooooo - Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!"

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A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breath."

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

I believe some people should mistake glue sticks for chapstick.

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A worldwide anti-terrorism conference was held recently in Saudi Arabia.

An anti-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia?!

That's kind of like having a child protection conference at the Neverland Ranch. - Jay Leno.

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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Suddenly widowed, Linda instructed the undertaker to select for her old man the very best casket and accoutrements. Cost was no concern. But when she got the bill for $25,000, Linda was furious.

"But dear lady," the undertaker exclaimed, you asked us to give your husband the very best of burials and that is what we did".

"Look," Linda fumed, "for $5,000 more I could have had him buried in a Cadillac!"

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American Airlines announced, in an effort to cut costs, they're getting rid of pillows on all flights. The total estimated savings? Well over $60 dollars!

They're getting rid of the pillows! That's in First Class. In Coach, they're actually going to take the foam out of the seats. You'll just sit on a metal frame. - Jay Leno

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One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said, sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 AM!.... I complained. "What if I had a million- dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

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A former America Online employee pleaded guilty yesterday to swiping a list of 92 million E-mail screen names and selling them to spammers. The only way an AOL employee could get so many email names is by taking them from the list of people who were canceling America Online. - Jake Novak

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24 Things Women Want To Hear In 2005 (those women and their fantasies....)

1. (edited) 2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sleep that much anyway.

7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

9. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

10. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.

11. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

12. There ought to be a law against those movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?

13. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

14. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

15. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

16. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that ?

17. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

18. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

19. If the guys call and want me to go to that new club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

20. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those things they write about in those stupid advice columns.

21. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

22. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

23. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

24. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

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Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking -- so much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.

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