The teacher in our bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.
"The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month--until you loathe it."
The woman paused, looked up and said.... "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
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Jill's car was involved in three minor accidents over several years. Each time she had a different part of the car repaired. The last time, she asked what it would cost to repaint the front end---the only portion not yet touched.
The mechanic suggested, "Why don't you just paint a bulls-eye on it?"
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A missionary heard about a native who had five wives. "You are violating a law of God," he said, "so you must go and tell four of those women you can no longer live here or consider you their husband."
The native thought a few moments, then said, "Me wait here. You tell 'em."
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A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him And Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death!
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Two old women were sitting on their front porch, just as they had done for years and years, when suddenly one turned to the other and said, "You know, I feel absolutely awful, but I can't for the life of me remember your name."
"Well, don't feel so bad" replied the other, "I can't remember it myself half the time."
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy CRAP! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
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TOP BUMPER STICKERS FOR 2005
Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are a jerk.
The proctologist called... they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.
Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander... It's too small to be out by itself.
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Joyce was really embarrassed and said to her husband, "I'll never go anywhere again with you as long as I live."
Mark wanted to know what he did to cause such an outburst?
"You asked Mrs. Johnson how her husband was standing the heat...and he's been dead for two months!"
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Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
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