= = " REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR " = = WOODEN NICKEL

"Reasons To Buy A New Car"

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

Stench from bodies in trunk becoming unbearable.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

15-Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.

Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

Keep losing dates on left turns.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Hasn't been the same since Hugh Grant borrowed it.

Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.

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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered.

"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here."

"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"

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"Rabbi Jacobs, I need fifty dollars to get out of debt," sobbed Gottlieb. "I keep praying to God for help but He doesn't send it!"

"Don't lose faith," said the rabbi. "Keep praying."

After Gottlieb left his house, the rabbi felt sorry for him. "I don't make much money," he thought, "but that poor man needs it so bad. I'll give him twenty-five dollars out of my own pocket."

A week later, the rabbi stopped Gottlieb and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"

Back in his home, Gottlieb bowed his head. "Thank you, Lord!" he said. "But next time you send money, don't send it through rabbi Jacobs that crook kept half of it!"

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I heard about a lady who was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

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A blonde gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. He said he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

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A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to the doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?" He tells her yes my name is, "Timmy." And Timmy, do you know your mom's name? Yes her name is Mommy, said Timmy. And what is Mommy's real name and little Timmy says, it's "Tammy." That is great the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor asked, and what is your daddy's name? Timmy said it is daddy. Finally the doctor asked, and what does mommy call him? Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "BUTTHEAD."

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A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

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A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

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What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A thought.

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A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it,.

Just as she finished sniffing the second , the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could *you* pass such a test?"

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Laura Bush discussed her second-term plans with NBC's Brian Williams Thursday night. She talked about her desire to help and encourage teenage boys. Two days later she got a postcard from Mary Kay LeTourneau saying it only leads to heartache.

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Frustrated at always being corrected by John, Jill decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and Jill was ready.

"You know," Jill challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

John looked at her and replied, "Twice."

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When I was doing telemarketing, one of our associates had a man on the phone and was pitching the product. The man rebuffed him and said his wife wouldn't let him buy it. The associate boldly asked "Who wears the pants in your family?"

The man replied "My wife said I do?"

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What's dumb? Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that? Reading them.

Even dumber? Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

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NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! Starting next month !!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual counselors available.

WHISKEY WILL BE SERVED!!!!

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