= = = = = PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ......= Able to talk crap

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ......= Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ...............= Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ...= Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY .........= Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY ................= Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ......= Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER .............= Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING .................= Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER ................= Won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE .....................= Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ...= Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ......= Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .......= Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ...= Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ...........= Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED ..................= Back Stabber

LOYAL ..........................= Can't get a job anywhere else

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The most thoroughly wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.

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God decides it's time he has a vacation. So he asks St. Peter for his assistance. St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Mercury?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 25,000 years ago and got the worst sunburn of my life." St. Peter says, "How about Pluto?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 10,000 years ago, broke my leg skiing." St. Peter says, " How about earth?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 2,000 years ago knocked up some Jewish chick and I've been hearing about it ever since".

==================

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could

do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel..."

==============

Why do polish dogs have flat noses? Because they chase parked cars.

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Things that make you go. Hmmm.....

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is in whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks?

How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

================

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,

"So tell me, do I come here often?"

==================

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. On his return visit a month later, the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

===============

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says,

"I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

================

Dinner An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said,

"What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,

"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

=================

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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