= = = WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS ? = = = WOODEN NICKEL

What do you think of this? McDonald's announced today that they are going to start offering expensive premium coffees at their restaurants. Who hasn't said to themselves -- 'You know, what would go good with these two dollar McNuggets? A six dollar latte?' - Jay Leno

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Joe comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife Jane standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch spike heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" Joe asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling Jane.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands Joe.

Jane replies demurely, "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

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The definition of irreconcilable differences?

When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

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A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks.

Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in great shape.

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An elderly lady went to see her physician about a problem she was having.

After an examination, the doctor told her that she needed a sigmoidoscope to check her lower intestine. He began the examination, telling her to let him know if she felt pain. Well the doctor's efforts brought forth a tremendous amount of gas on her stomach that she expelled with a very loud fart.

"Madam!" the doctor exclaimed, "A simple "yes" or "no" will suffice.

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I don't know what to make of this story... This is absolutely true. Government officials in Mexico are giving one million people a book of tips on how to safely, illegally immigrate into the United States. The government says they want to make it easier for people to sneak in. Could it be any easier? What's the only thing left? A moving sidewalk? A free water taxi? - Jay Leno

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Jill was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.

In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Nadine said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can't change that."

Jill replied, "I don't want to change it ! I just wanna get in on it."

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Jill, in the personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

She sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."

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My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes.

And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

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Learning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka Martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the following memo:

To all employees:

If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey. It is much better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

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Here's an interesting problem... In Anchorage, Alaska, zoo officials are trying to figure out what has been making an African elephant, which has been in the Alaska Zoo since 1983, depressed. Maybe the fact that he's an elephant in Alaska. Hello! You might want to talk to the Polar Bear in Johannesburg.- Jay Leno

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Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

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Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital. First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?" "Sure did", second one answers. First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"

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After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"

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They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle. I am passing it on because I thought it was really good, short, and who couldn't use a miracle?

Enjoy it if it happens.

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, we could easily be replaced at work? But the family we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. So, why do we pour ourselves more into work than into our own families? Invest your time wisely.

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

(F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou.

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The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."

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A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars! Faster women! Exotic vacations! Flings with supermodels!

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!!

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning... He thought he had cheated death! He was invincible!

But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news... "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

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A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum

liberty.

The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a

nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the

smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine

room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance,

couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast

shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship

into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down

with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come

upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their

flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other.

They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each

other.

Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician,

the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be

more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the

duty officers is missing."

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A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're LYING TO me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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