= = = = = IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

You Know It's Time To Diet When....

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

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Q. What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"?

A. Vegetarian

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ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

3. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off."

4. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

5. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

6. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

7. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he´ll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal´s office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he´ll get scared away."

He was sent home and his Mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he´ll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, "What do you have in your hand."

So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands."

The little boy opened his hand and said, "Look Dad, you scared the CRAP out of him! now he's gone."

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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

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Q:What kind of fence goes on strike?

A:A picket fence.

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A policeman pulls Henry over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking Henry over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking tonight?"

Henry, drunk as heck and now indignant as well, retorts, "Well, Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman.

Before marriage and after marriage

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"New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep"

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Spend more time at work, surfing.

7. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

8. Stop bringing lunch from home.

9. Don't have eight children at once.

10. Get in a whole NEW rut!

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Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for however many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.

When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.

The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!

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Adam and Chase (Jill's two sons) were about to eat with the baby sitter when Adam said, " You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while your parents are gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss." Chase, the younger one, quickly piped up, "Well if you're the boss, then you better sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

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A man called his insurance salesman neighbor to go over some issues and results of his insurance policy.

As they spoke, he asked, "Say I take this life insurance for my wife today and tomorrow she dies? What will I get?"

The clerk paused before clearly and suspiciously articulating, "Life without parole."

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At a baby shower her co-workers gave her, my daughter mentioned she had a craving for grapes. "My husband and I wonder if we have a wine maker here," she joked.

"Don't laugh," added an older friend, "I couldn't stop eating doughnuts during my pregnancy, and now our son's a policeman."

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Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our relationship. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Jill

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's California state lottery.

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"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your last years New Year's resolution."

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