= = = " EVEN ST.PETER KNOWS AOL " = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Even St Peter Knows AOL... A woman knocked on the pearly gates, Her face was scarred and old, She trembled and she shook with fear, she was just about to fold.

"What have you done...", St. Peter asked, "...to gain admission here?"

"I've been a loyal AOL user sir,..." "...for many and many a year."

The Pearly Gate swung open wide, St. Peter rung the bell, "COME IN AND CHOOSE YOUR HARP..." he said "...you've had your share of hell."

==============

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

=============

You Know Your Life Sucks When...

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.

The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

Your plants do better when you *don't* talk to them.

All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.

Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

================

"PARKING LOT RULES"

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.

Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious

Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.

Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

==================

Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out! Can you answer the following question? 1. The word has seven letters... 2. Preceded God... 3. Greater than God... 4. More Evil than the devil... 5. All poor people have it... 6. Wealthy people need it... 7. If you eat it, you will die.



Did you figure it out?

>

>

>

>

The Answer is:

>

>

>

>

NOTHING! NOTHING has 7 letters. NOTHING preceded God. NOTHING is greater than God. NOTHING is more Evil than the devil. All poor people have NOTHING. Wealthy people need NOTHING. If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

===============

Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some over-time, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly.

"Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here )