= = DARLING , TOMORROW IS MOMS BIRTHDAY = = WOODEN NICKEL

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

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Two Mexicans were crossing the Sonora desert during August in an old Ford Model "A" in which the windows we stuck in the up position. They drove for about 20 miles and the one driving smells a foul odor. He says, "Hey Pedro, did you CRAP YOUR PANTS?" Pedro answered, "no Pancho, I didn't CRAP." So Pancho drives another 10 miles and the smell

is getting worse by the minute. He says "Pedro, are you sure you didn't CRAP YOUR PANTS?" Pedro says, "No Pancho, I told you I didn't CRAP." Pancho drives for just a few more miles and finally stops the car, gets out and goes around and opens Pedro's door and tells him to get out of the car.

"Drop your pants!" Pedro drops his pants. Pancho says, "GoddaRn it you said that you didn't CRAP YOUR PANTS!" Pedro answers "Oh, I thought you meant today."

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If Tarzan and Jane were Polish, what would Cheetah be? The smartest of the three!

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. Whats all the screaming about in there? Youre scaring my customers! Im just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my BUTT. With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, You idiot! Youre sitting on the mop bucket!!!

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There was a blond sitting next to a man on an airplane. About 1 hr. into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving." About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the intercom again and say "There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 min. late." Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm sorry

to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr. late arriving at our destination." The blonde turns to the man and says "Man if that forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

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WITHOUT YOU

What would I do Without you? How would I live? Where would I go To lay down my head And my worries? Who would listen to My dreams And hopeful ambitions? When would I feel The joys of contentment Of companionship? Of being one With another And with love? What would I do Without you? I would close my eyes, Remember your warmth, You smile, Your passionate way Of tackling life And me... I would close my eyes And remember And wish And long For your touch, Your grace... What would I do Without you? I would relish Our memories And wish you were here...

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You are your greatest asset, there is nothing you can't do. No one can stop you from dreaming, only you can stop them from coming true. Your achievements are determined by the desire that you possess. Believe in who you are. Believe in what you do. It's not a quirk of fate. It's strictly up to you. You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it

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AMAZING USELESS FACTS!

Almonds are not really nuts, but a member of the peach family. Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food FROM freezing. Polar bears are left-handed! The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. They kept the horses from walking up the stairs! An estimated 35 percent of people who use personal ads for dating are already married! The Bible has been translated into Klingon. A cockroach can live without its head, until it starves to death. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human jumping the length of a football field. Butterflies taste with their feet! According to surveys, on average people fear spiders more than they fear death. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars!

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The Truth About MOTHERS!

Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her. Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't. If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who changed your diapers. Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it. A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you remember about yourself. The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't. The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother. No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you every time she sees you, but she will not hold it against you. The more times your mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain. Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something. The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit. You can't "out-mother" your mother. Don't even try!

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