= = = = = " LEAKED MEMO " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Leaked memo:

The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas. Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of refererence are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

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The judge had come to what he though was the end of a settlement conference regarding a young orthodox Jewish couple who were getting a divorce. When all appeared to be settled he asked "Is there anything else?"

The wife replied, "Yes! I need a 'get'."

"What" said the Judge.

At that point the husband's attorney explained 'get' was a Jewish divorce and that his client had no objection of including that in the Judgment Of Divorce.

The soon to be ex-wife, realizing the Judge's lack of knowledge regarding the Jewish religion asked, "Judge. Do you know the difference between a get and a bris?"

"No" said the Judge. What is the difference?

"With a 'get" she explained "You get rid of the whole schmuck!"

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Top Ten Signs Your Parents Were Hippies in the 1960's

10. You were baptized with bong water.

9. You find out you have 37 half sibings.

8. They don't trust anyone over 62.

7. When reminiscing about your birth, mom rates epidural as "weak, man".

6. Thier idea of a drug talk is to tell you "If you're going to do pot, smoke it! Brownies are a waste of good pot!"

5. They only time they showed up at grade school was when my 4th grade class was tie-dying t-shirts.

4. No line is long enough to fill in your whole name: Sunshine Rainbow Butterfly Stardust Mary Jane Joplin Smith.

3. Your parents had your baby earth shoes bronzed.

2. The moment of your conception is featured in the movie of Woodstock.

1. All the house plants have funny looking leaves.

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1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? ( You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)

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What do you call a woman who's PMSing and has ESP? A Witch who knows everything!

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