= = = MRS. SANTA CLAUSE SEEKING A DIVORCE = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Mrs. Santa Claus was seeking a divorce from an incredulous judge who asked her to explain her marital problems. ""It's that happy, jolly stuff, all year long,"" she said. ""It drives me crazy!""""All year? Why, I thought Santa's work was only in the winter,"" said the judge. ""Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening,"" Mrs. Santa replied, ""and then it's hoe, hoe, hoe all over again!"""

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The Cajun Night Before Christmas

It was de night jus right befo' Christmas an' all down de bayou, errytang was quiet; not even a nutria go pitty pat in de waduh. An' inside my house, me an' my wife was flat poop out from all dat Christmas preparatin, an' was jes 'bout ready to retire for de night. Le petit garcon an' la petite fille, dat is our little boy an' our little girl, was already fas' asleep on dere moss mattress an' visions of de Fais Do Do dance tru dere heads, dem lil darlins. Dem long john was hung by de log burner wit care in hope dat St. Nicholas soon would brought hisself dere... Now dat de scene is set, Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Well, out dere on de bayou dere arose such a clatter, I jump from my bed to see what was de matter. I run like de rabbit to got to de door, an' I trip on de dog an' fall on de floor. But, when I got dere finally, an' push away de sack an' peek tru de crack an' look in de far away, what you tought I saw! Well, you can tought youself again 'cause you ain't goin' believe dis, no! De moon, she was magnifique how she shine on de cypress tree an' reflect off de bayou. An' coming right up to me at my house was dis great big fancy pirogue being drewed along by eight great big ole alimagator! Inside, a little old driver in Santa Claus costume was movin' along like some crawfish done snuck up his culottes. Fas like de duck he fly, an' call out to his alimagator like so: "Got yourself a move on, Alphonse, Gaston, Raul, Pierre." You see, he call dem each by name. "Come on, Etienne, Alois, Alcide, an' Bozo. I'll make soup out you tail if you don't got yourself a move on! You is some slow alimagator, yeah!"

Well, it's up on de rooftop dem alimagator dey climb; Saint Nick, in his pirogue, he's right behind. An' up on de rooftop, it sound like de hail when dem big alimagator dey flop down dere tail! As I tought in my head, "What is he up dere for?," down the chimney Santa Claus come wit a bang and land right on dem red hot coal in de fireplace! Man, he got out dat fireplace some fast, I guarantee! An', I got to see Santa Claus, an' I check him out pretty good cause you don't got to see him in you house, you know, jus erry day! He was all dress up in dried muskrat from his head to his foot, an' his clothes was all mess up wit ashes an' soot. A sack full of playting he had on hung his back; he look like a peddler what was jus about ready to open up his pack. He had a broad grin an' a round little belly dat shook when he laugh like a bowl full of jelly. His eyes, how dey shine; his dimples how merry! He look like he bin drinking de wine from de blackberry. Wit a wink of his eye an' a jerk of his head, I guarantee you I know I ain't got nuttin to be 'fraid of, no! Well, he went fast to his work an' fill dem long john wit erreyting what you could tought of an', when he fini, he lay both hand on top his head; he look at dat fireplace and done said, "Wit all dat fire an' dem red hot coal, I ain't going back dat way, dat's for sure!" So, it's right out de front door he go. He climb up on de roof and sprung to his pirogue an' crack his big whip. Dem big alimagator, dey move out an' not one make a slip. An' I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, an' dis is what I want to pass along to you, dis lesson what I learn from what happen to me like I'm told you from las' year; I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!"

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1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports. 1999 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home. 1999 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off. 1999 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him. 1999 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them. 1999 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and the water always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect. 1999 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it. 1999 - they collect your pee and analyze it.

1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up. 1999 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. 1999 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier. 1999 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted. 1999 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan. 1999 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec. center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer. 1999 - you go to the community center and you can play pool.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club. 1999 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money. 1999 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets. 1999 - we are wearing helmets that look just like theirs.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them. 1999 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken. 1999 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 1999 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. 1999 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning. 1999 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism'>.

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again. 1999 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

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