= = = = = " WOMEN’S ADVICE TO MEN " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

WOMEN’S ADVICE TO MEN

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

No, we're not impressed with your car -- it takes no special skills to make car payments each month.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

We don't care if you hold the remote -- unlike you however, we don't enjoy watching 27 seconds of 117 different programs.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Don't insist that we "get off the daRn phone" and then not talk to us.

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Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"

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There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he sked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up.

As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.

The man said, "TO HECK WITH Thee BUTTHEAD".

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"Political Correctness For Kids"

- Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

- Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

- You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

- No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

- Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

- You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

- You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

- You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

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28 degrees below zero last night and it was still plenty cold when I got up to go to doctor this morning. If I had known that I would have worn more than jogging pants, T-shirt, and a light jacket. I guess there is a lot of truth in this following piece.

How Cold Is It?

+60 Californians put on sweaters.

+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

+40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 Italian cars don't start.

+32 Water freezes.

+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.

+25 Ohio water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.

+15 French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you.

+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your cat helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

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