here comes santa claus! ~ faded to grey

Christmas to me has always been one big hassle, first of all you spend all that time asking around trying to find the perfect present for your respective partner and then when you go and look for the thing, it’s sold out! Or in my case it never existed to begin with and you end up buying some odd novelty thing that you know they’ll hate as soon as Christmas is over and will never get any use out of. It will just sit there on that lonely shelf gathering dust, and eventually will end up part of a car boot sale.

It’s even worse when it’s a relative that gives you a present that you really don’t want. The classic example is the knitted Christmas jumpers that look absolutely hideous but always seem to distort the elder female relative’s vision so that instead of ‘she looks like an over ripe tomato that’s been plunged into a pit of putrid animal intestines’ they say ‘Oh isn’t she adorable!’ I have never been able to fathom this out. That’s not even the worst part, the worst part is that you can’t even get rid of the blasted thing! After all there’s always the risk that they’ll come to visit and expect you to be wearing it. This can be a disaster, especially in the summer when wearing a jumper can have you sweating like a pig. The best advice I can give for a situation like this is to tell no one and hope that no photos are taken. If they are I advise wearing protective goggles when you burn the negatives. So in order to avoid buying a gift that will be immediately discarded the day after and at the same time solicit the response ‘Oh how did you know I wanted that!’ Here are some quick steps on how to achieve maximum present satisfaction.

Step one: Think about the person you are buying for, do they have the same taste as you? E.g.: like the same music, clothes, etc.

Step two: Go shopping with your respective partner and listen out for any hints (note: female readers should know that the male mind does not comprehend subtlety so please remember to use heavy hints).

Step three: If you are unsure ask close friends or family of the person you are buying for.

Step four: Contrary to popular belief buying gifts the day before Xmas is neither cheaper nor less hassle. By that time most shops will have already sold out of whatever you need to buy, leaving you with a selection of the very worst novelty gifts.

Step five: Remember the internet is a wonderful thing, with thousands of sites devoted to providing a shopping experience without the fuss of leaving your home.

Step six: For those that want to be thoughtful, the best gift you can make is to record a selection of Christmas Carols onto tape, to give to your loved one, this also has the added bonus of being fairly cheap.

Step seven: Finally if all else fails you could actually ask your boy/girl friend what they want for Christmas, but where would be the fun in that?

I can’t remember now when Xmas became such a chore, what with going out to get presents, decorating the tree, making sure the turkey fits in the oven and putting lights up outside. Ok, I admit that I get someone else to put up the lights, but it’s a good thing that Christmas comes just once a year otherwise I’d be constantly exhausted!

Perhaps the most annoying part of Christmas is writing and sending Xmas cards to every unknown relative in your parents address book. Every year this list of relatives seems to grow longer and longer until before you know it you’re hip deep in ugly Xmas jumpers and at the traditional family gathering all the aunts and uncles that you successfully avoid the rest of the year are telling you how much you’ve grown . Well I hate to state the obvious but do they think I’m going to suddenly get shorter? This leads me to Christmas dinner where no matter how much a woman eats, she always end up at least a stone heavier and has to go on a low-carb diet for the rest of the year. Whereas a man can eat practically the whole turkey plus the Xmas pud and still not gain a single ounce.

Still it should be remembered that Christmas is not just about presents and seeing relatives that you’d rather not. It’s about being thankful and showing your loved ones that you care. So I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!