= = = = = TAKING A SECOND WIFE = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"

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A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?" The girl thought, and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"

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Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.

"Get the HEck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

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There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot 2. to be hung 3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing prevention."

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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR ANY PSYCHOSIS

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas



Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...

Paranoia - Santa Claus is Coming To Town (To Get Me)



Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why

Depression - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...



Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)



NO MATTER HOW YOU SING IT...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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HOW TO KNOW WEATHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN !!!

THE MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

THE TOY TEST: Obtain a 55 gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

THE GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.

THE INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.

THE AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cd player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There ... perfect.

THE PHYSICAL TEST: (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ½ of the beans. Leave it on for the rest of your life.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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Things I Learned From The MOVIES!

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to sleep, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but have a blue tint.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or astrophysics, at the age of 22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

Large, elaborately decorated loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement. It's easy to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. One of every pair of identical twins is evil.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will always be the tourist trade.

Rather than wasting bullets, evil villains prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gases, lasers, buzz-saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least twenty minutes to escape.

A single match will be sufficient to light up any room, no matter how large. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

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Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. Take away the number you first thought of. Now add 7. Subtract 2. Add back the number you first thought of. add 6 subtract two add 9 add 3 subtract 4

Now, close your eyes.

*Dark isn’t it

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The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?" "Oh, nothing fancy like that," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."

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As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be

good for nothing like your dad?"

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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You ought to meet them sometime, Doc!"

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