== == == == == " I WAS RIGHT " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs.Green,"he announced."You are definitely pregnant again."

"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs.Green grimly. "You'll have to help me- enough is enough,I want one of those hearing aids!"

"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor, "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?"

"I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see, it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When we get into bed he says: "Now then-are we going to sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say:'What'?

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OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.

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I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start

"Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?"

I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

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A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

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I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone.

"I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You really don't NEED a tattoo!"

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Back in the mid-1800's, Cyrus and Matilda were courting, and Cyrus took Matilda for a buggy ride one sunny Sunday afternoon. After a while, Cyrus began to feel some discomfort, and said, "Matilda, I'm afraid Nature is calling. Would you mind waiting in the buggy while I go into the woods?" She replied, "Of course not, Cyrus. I understand," and with that, he walked into the forest. Cyrus was gone for quite a long time, and after ten minutes or so, Matilda became very concerned. Worried, but respecting his privacy, she sat patiently in the buggy, looking off into the woods to see if he was on his way back. While she gazed into the trees, she saw swirls of dust and leaves and branches being disturbed, and this caused her to be somewhat alarmed, but still she sat, respecting Cyrus' privacy. After nearly half an hour, a pale and shaken Cyrus emerged from the woods and returned to the buggy. "My word, Cyrus," Matilda exclaimed. "Castor oil never did that to me!" "Probably not," Cyrus replied, "but then again, you never had your baCKSIDE caught in a wolf trap, either."

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