= = = HIRED AT THE CITY ZOO = = = WOODEN NICKEL

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away.The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know, gorilla things.As time wore on he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla.The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"Then the lion said, "Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired!"

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually over to the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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If anyone should hurt you And say a thing unkind, Remember what I tell you, And keep these things in mind. For every one who makes you cry, There are three who make you smile, And a smile will last a long, long time, But a tear just a little while! If someone says a thing that's cruel, Don't let it get to you, There's so much good about you, And your faults are very few. So if a certain someone Should act a certain way, Just think of those who love you And don't let it ruin your day. Don't let someone who hates the world Cause you to hate it too, For behind the clouds is a golden sun, And a sky that's bright and blue!

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Why We Live As Long As We Do

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed (again).

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

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Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

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A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun.

The clerk, seeing that the customer was obviously very wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $20,000.

The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."

Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.

The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."

The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $129.95.

The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it is an informal wedding."

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In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up! and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axlegrease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over ! to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the Piano, he's going to shove that gun up your BUTT and it won't hurt as much.

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