= = = = = " A LONELY GIRL " = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available.

One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"

He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."

"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."

"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."

"Oh, really!" she said with a renewed interest.

"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."

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Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?

Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that Witch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Witch," I said. "You're so daRn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

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In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

"Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."

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"The Roadside Stand"

Driving home from her office one summer day, a woman noted that there were four places within two blocks of her home where she could stop and buy a five-cent glass of iced tea. Each little stand had two or three youngsters behind it, all eager to serve any customer who came their way. During the next two weeks, the woman managed to stop at each of the stands to encourage the entrepreneurs. In each case the tea was very good. Small talk revealed that all the youngsters were selling tea made by their mothers, who used tea leaves and real lemons in making the tea.

One day the woman discovered that only one stand was operating. Behind it was the new kid on the block. She stopped and ordered a glass of tea. It was served in a paper cup and it cost 10 cents. Some conversation brought out the fact that the young man's father was a lawyer who specialized in mergers, which had inspired the boy to buy out his competitors, bartering with baseball cards, marbles, and stuff he had laying around in his garage. His first act, he explained, was to raise the price of the iced tea, and cut costs. He was using a powdered tea mix from the supermarket, he said, which eliminated buying real lemons as well as the bother of squeezing them or putting them in the juicer. He didn't have to brew real tea either, he pointed out. He had plans to cut costs further, he said, and with his competitors out of the market, he expected sales to grow. Intrigued, the woman made a half dozen more stops at the stand and became aware that the tea was getting weaker and weaker.

One day the young man confessed that sales were dropping and he attributed this to the fact that he was using less and less of the powdered-tea mix. Then one day he went out of business, as attempts to turn things around failed.

The moral of this story is: Honest tea is the best policy.

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"Preaching to the Bears"

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, 'Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from G~d's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle.

We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on G~d's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

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The Christmas Card

Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?

Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the CRAP out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs.

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WINTER WHITE

December 8 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in year & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along &I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12 Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again. December 14 Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska... December 16 Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt like heck. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.) December 17 Too daRn cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.) December 20 Power's back on and had another 14" of the daRn stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbour says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying.) December 22 White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbour who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.) December 23 Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.) December 24 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sign carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the daRn snow plow. December 25 Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver cam by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever more here? It was all HER idea & she's getting on my nerves. December 27 Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze. December 28 Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in & the witch is making me crazy!!!!!! December 29 Another 10" & neighbour says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. Snow plow driver is suing me and the wife went home to her mother. Another 9" in forecast. December 31 Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shoveling. January 8 I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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A family owned a tomcat, of whom it was normally quite fond. Quite often, however, the cat would get out at night and go around the neighbourhood howling and screeching and meowing so loudly that people would complain.

So the family took the tom to a vet and had him fixed.

A few nights later, though, the cat was out again, and this time he was making even more noise than usual. Not only that, but a lot of other cats were howling and yelling, too. The father of the house went out to see what was going on. He caught the cat's attention and asked, "What are you doing? You're supposed to be over all this."

"Oh," replied the cat, "He who can, DOES; he who cannot, TEACHES."

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