= = = " MALE ANSWER SYNDROME " = = = WOODEN NICKEL

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:

* Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?

* Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?

* Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?

* Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?

* Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.

This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."

They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.

But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.

Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.

Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.

Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round.

MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football.

Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.

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How To Drive Men Crazy!

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambiguous. Always 2. Cry. Cry often. 3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends. 4. Make them apologize for everything. 5. Get mad at them for everything. 6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply. 7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess. 8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late. 9. Criticize the way they dress. 10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.

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"Freedom"

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out for another is to risk vulnerability. To expose your feelings is to risk rejection. To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave. He has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who takes risks is free.

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There were four men in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room whose wives were in labor. The nurse came out and announced to the first father " Congratulations, you have twins!" " what a coincidence," said the father. " I work for the Minneapolis Twins baseball team! "A little while later, the nurse came out and told the second father, " You are the father of triplets." "Wow, " replied the second father. " I work for 3M Corporation!" The nurse came out again and said to the third father, " Your wife had Quadruplets!" " WOW! What a coincidence!" said the third father. " I work for the Four Seasons Hotels." At this point, the fourth father fainted and dropped to the floor. When he came to, everyone asked him what caused you to lose consciousness. He replied, " I work for Seven-Up!"

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Your know youir girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitos stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

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You might be a Wisconsinite if ..... If you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike... If you know what "cow-tipping" is..... If "Down South" to you means Chicago... If traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee... If the "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR... If you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat..... If you have no problem spelling Milwaukee.. If you got a passport to go to Minnesota... If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon... If you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...

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Jim plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The course was built right next to a cemetery. One of the greens is right next to the fence that separates the golf course from the cemetery. One afternoon, Jim was playing with a well-known loudmouth and they came up to that green. Loudmouth had about a 50 foot putt to sink. He took out his putter and whacked the ball towards the hole. It so just happens on the other side of the fence there was a funeral in process. Jim says, "Honest to God, that putt *almost* made it in about the time the pastor across the fence got done with the service. Loudmouth shouts -- loud enough for the funeral to hear -- 'Get in that daRn hole!'"

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A few years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with CRS - Can't Remember SQUAT. Yesterday, he gave me the bad news that I now have the more advanced stage of the disease - CRAFT -Can't Remember A FREEKING Thing !

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A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.

He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were starring in it!"

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Little Susie ask her mother, "Can I go over to Jill's house and watch the magic show?"

Mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?"

Susie said, "The one she performs. I heard her tell Nina she got $600 for doing six tricks last night."

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The love of money is the root of all evil, and man NEEDS roots!

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