= = A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving =- = WOODEN NICKEL

A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving

Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.

Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Cousin Mike shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad.

Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday.

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Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?

A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

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Q: How to you organize a spacey party?

A: You planet.

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Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar. Dan: Sugar! What for? Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?

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"It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss DATES."

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This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

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One day a highway officer pulls over a blonde on the freeway because she has had her blinker on for some time now. He puts the siren on and they pull over. He gets out of the patrol car and says, "Miss, did you know that your blinker is on?" She says, "But officer, no it isn't! Ummmm....ooh, yes, it is! um, uh, no, it isn't.... umm yes, it is!"

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Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

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Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect? Father: She does? Wow! How do you know? Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith. Father: When was that? Young son Just before she used the word idiot.

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This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

'Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Oh, yeah, sure,' says Bob sheepishly.

'Really? How long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in our bed.'

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"Mommy, why are you putting out the flag?"

"For solidarity, honey."

"What is solidarity, Mom?"

"We are all standing together, and being strong as one."

"Oh. Mommy, why are you giving blood?"

"For solidarity. We need to stand together and help each other."

"Oh. Mommy, why are putting the flag on your car?"

"For solidarity, honey. We all have to know that we are together and love each other."

"Oh. Mommy, why are we lighting these candles?"

"For solidarity. We have to remember and love those that were lost."

"Oh. Mommy, what is solidarity?"

"No one MESSES with Americans."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

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How To Cook A Turkey....

Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turk the bastey Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick Step 14: Turk the carvey Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

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