= = = A DOBERMAN AND A CHIHUAHUA = = = WOODEN NICKEL

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman says, "Just follow me." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Ok. Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Don't Stop Dreaming

Don't ever be reluctant to show your feelings – When you're happy, give in to it. When you're not, live with it. Don't ever be afraid to try to make things better - You might be surprised at the results. Don't ever take the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don't ever feel threatened by the future. Take life one day at a time. Don't ever feel guilty about the past. What's done is done. Learn from any mistakes you might have made. Don't ever feel that you are alone. There is always somebody there for you to reach out to. Don't ever forget that you can achieve so many of the things you can imagine... It's not as hard as it seems. Don't ever stop loving, Don't ever stop believing, Don't ever stop dreaming your dreams.

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Female-to-Male TRANSLATOR "COMMUNICATION"

FEMALE: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. MALE: Making sure you scribble a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

"VULNERABLE" FEMALE: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another human being. MALE: Playing ball without a cup.

"THINGY" FEMALE: Any part under a car's hood, or any body part a man has that a woman doesn't. MALE: The fastener on a woman's bra.

"REMOTE CONTROL" FEMALE: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. MALE: A device for scanning through thirty channels a minute.

"COMMITMENT" FEMALE: The promise to get married and raise a family. MALE: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

"BUTT" FEMALE: The body part that looks too big no matter what you wear. MALE: The body part for mooning and passing gas.

"REST ROOM" FEMALE: A social lounge with convenient toilet facilities. MALE: A facility for taking a leak with no women watching.

"TASTE" FEMALE: What you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. MALE: What you do to anything you think might have gone bad, to see if you should toss it out.

No wonder MEN and WOMEN don't understand each other!

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"PEARLY GATES"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

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