= = = " You might be a Floridian if " = = = WOODEN NICKEL

You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances , Jeanie or Ivan

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time.

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means (If your lucky enough to still have the 2%, which mysteriously went to 5%)

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20"chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hard hat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

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Q: What did the momma ghost say to baby ghost as they got into the car? A: Buckle your sheet belt.

Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation? A: Lake Erie.

Q: How can you tell when a window is scared? A: They get shudders.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? A: It had no body to dance with.

Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads? A: Hello, hello, hello.

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The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

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The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community. One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police. The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead." "Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family !"

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An old man, walking down the street, saw a small boy sitting on the curb crying. He stopped and asked, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do." So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.

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The old bull's active days were over, but the kindly farmer permitted him to stay on in the pasture with the cows. Of course, the farmer also turned a young bull loose in the field and the newcomer went to work imediately. Seeing this, the old bull began snorting and pawing the ground with his hoof. "You're wasting your time," said the farmer. "You're too old for that sort of thing now." "I know," said the bull, "but I can show him I'm not a cow, can't I?"

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"I was a 97-lb. weakling," the man said to his drinking companion, "and whenever I went to the beach with my girl, this 197-lb. bully came over and kicked sand in my face. So I took this weight-lifting course I read about and in a little while I weighed 197 lbs. "So what happened?" his friend wanted to know. "I went to the beach with my girl and a 257 lb. bully kicked sand in my face."

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Blooper Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as the weather clears up, members of the adult men's class will have a goof outing at the Rapides Country Club.

November 11 -- An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Wednesday afternoon, when Ruby Chesterfield stopped by to deliver supplies for the church kitchen, she encountered a young man in the process of robbing the food cabinets. After an extended chase all over the church, she finally caught him by the organ. Ruby, the coach of our high school track team, told police officers, "I was determined that Andy Simmons was not going to have the personal satisfaction of outrunning me." Although law enforcement officers and the pastor have chosen not to reveal the identity of the offender, it is known that he and his family are members of our church.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb etertainment, and gracious hostility.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. Maybe that explains why things get so hot on warm, sunny days.

We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

Vacation Bible School Starts Next Week! Local artists will be featured Wednesday. Mothers: If you have promising drawers in your house, be sure to bring them.

The agenda was adopted and minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.

Thursday night -- Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Following the work session, food and soft drinks will be provided for all. Barbecue (grilled) chicken and hamburgers will be features. A limited number of hot gods will also be available for the kids.

Closing Hymn, Page 132: "I Love Thee My Ford."

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mazie Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Friday, our normal Church workday, we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The Young Adult class would like to grant special recognition to Hank Elliot. Hank donated the use of a retired race horse to our church. Some members have reservations about accepting an animal once used for purposes of gambling. We would like to remind everone of the old adage: Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Please come early and listen to our choir practice.

Don't let worry kill you off. Let our pastor, and the Church, help.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Next Saturday is the family hayride and bonfire. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! We leave from the church parking lot. Everyone come for a fun time.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

Two sisters were reunited after eighteen years at a checkout counter in Alexandria. One is a member of our Church.

Helen Turner has a seriously sprained ankle. Let us hold up her leg in prayer.

The $50 cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes all meals.

Helpers are desperately needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

The wellness report is again short this week. Margie Smith says she is feeling great after exploratory surgery and Pastor Butts is much better.

Jamie Janssen, blind since birth, received the donation of a kidney from a cousin who she hasn't seen in years.

Please be aware the bowl at the back of the Church, the one labeled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Ushers will eet latecomers.

You are reminded that Fifth Sinday is Lent.

Brother Lamar, our oldest deacon, has gone on to be the Lord. The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

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