"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.' " Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
====================
"LIFE IN HOLLYWOOD CALIFORNIA"
Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, is named Breeze.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethipian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gasoline costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000".
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
==================
A couple had quarreled about money and gone to bed angry. The next morning, they rose, showered, dressed and ate breakfast in silence. Finally, hoping to break the ice, he said, "You know,honey, I'm not myself today."
"Really?" she said. "I hadn't noticed the improvement."
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"Qoutes"
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." -Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it just once.
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You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know it yet."
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The local United Way received nothing from the city's most successful lawyer.
Irritated, the administrator phoned him. "We know you do very well, and yet you've not given a dime to this charity."
"Do you also know about my mother's exorbitant medical bills?" the lawyer asked.
"No I didn't," said the administrator.
"Or that my brother is blind and in a wheelchair?"
"I-I didn't realize..."
"Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her penniless with three children?"
"I'm sorry," the solicitor said. "I had no idea!"
"Well," said the lawyer, "I don't give money to them. Why should I give you any?"
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Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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