A hard and heartfelt experience I want to share.....Carrie. (hope this doesn't get deleted)

*This is the most honest and open thing I have ever shared with anyone and something I have ever told to one person. I hope this doesn’t get deleted. I tried to keep it as clean as possible.* ---------------------------------------------

I made somewhat of an oath when I was about 14 years old. That I would wait till I got married to have sex.

I didn’t make this oath because of some movie I saw in school. It was because my sister became pregnant at age 13. It was then that I learned the basics on sex and pregnancy.

I saw my father cry for the second time in my life. My family was torn farther apart then previously (My father had split from my mother the year before, due to his affair with her best friend). Money was tight, my father wasn’t around all that much, neither was my mother due to double shifts she worked to pay bills and we were still dealing with the anger we held from having our lives ripped apart from one selfish act. And yes, what my father did was selfish.

My sister was faced with a choice. Have the baby or abort. My father told her if she did choose to have the baby, he would help her raise it. My sister chose to abort. It probably was for the best. At this time, I also learned that day, that when my mother was 20, she also had an abortion. The older sister I had always wanted was once a reality, but no longer. My mother and sister to this day, 8 and 28 years later still carry the guilt.

Seeing what my sister went through, I told myself I would wait for marriage.

Yeah, right…

All through high school, I kept that oath to myself. I never had a boyfriend in high school, more so that I didn’t want one. Didn’t want the distraction and I didn’t want any baggage. I saw what my friends went through with their boyfriends. I could never have handled that along with my family issues.

I never had a hard time meeting guys and I never had trouble turning them down. I knew what I didn’t want and I knew what I did want. Although, I flirted like you wouldn’t believe. But, I still kept that oath.

I graduated high school in July of 2000, and got a full time job working with my mother in a card factory. Everything was going good, until December of 2000 when I was laid off.

The next year was going to change a lot

I had met this guy Mike online one day in January of 2001. We talked on the internet a few times when he asked me if he could have my number. Initially I said no, but he kept on and on, till I eventually said yes. He wasn’t the first person I had talked to off of the net, so I really wasn’t all that nervous.

For the next month we talked off and on, on the phone. In February, I went on my first non-parent vacation with my best friend and my sister. We went to Virginia Beach to see Liz’s (My friend) fiancée who was in the Navy. Oh, my. All the hot guys my eyes could see. The last night we were there, we had a hotel party. I think this was about the time I started questioning my oath. Was I doing the right thing by waiting? What if I never get married? Questioning… questioning…

We get home and a day later Mike calls me. He wants to hang out. So, I pretty much know I can trust this guy, and I agree. For the next month he came over every single weekend and stayed at my house for HOURS. When I say hours, I mean from 1 in the afternoon to 2 in the morning. And, then we would talk on the phone.

We would watch movies, but the main thing we did. Read the bible. He was basically my teacher. One Saturday night, he came over with a made for TV movie about Jesus, titled "Jesus". For 2 hours we laid in my bed and watched the movie.

It was nearing 2am and I had to get up to work at the salon for 8:30am. He had to go.

Just as I was about to tell him to pack up and leave Mike say’s…”So, you wanna have a little fun?” I asked him what.

To which he replied “Wanna get naked?” I laughed it off. But, honestly, I was scared. Nervous. Here is this really good looking guy in my bed, I could have him if I wanted. But, I didn’t. It didn’t feel right. And, I still had my oath. AND, we just finished watching a movie on Jesus. Just didn’t seem right.

I told him no, that I was expected at work the next morning and he had to leave. He left, and I never saw him again.

Over the next few days, I really started to feel the burn of this promise I made to myself. I knew I would regret anything that I did with Mike. He just wasn’t for me. And, still, I didn’t want a boyfriend or any kind of attachment.

But, this is how quickly things can change.

I March, I got an instant message from this guy, Frank. He was different than me. He was so angry at everything, specially the world. He hated himself more than I could ever imagine possible and his self-esteem was incredibly low. He was different than me in every sense of the word. We talked off and on through out March.

At this point, I had a few men who were interested in me. The trouble I was having, who do I pick? So, one night, I prayed to God to show me who to pick. That night, I did have a dream. And there was a man in my dream. There was a shadow, a rather big shadow. No face. No body. Just a shadow. But, I knew who it was. It was Frank. I remember waking up and thinking “Oh, lord, please not him.” I had never thought about him ever other than when we talked on the internet and at the time this happened, I hadn’t talked to him in over a week. As the day wore on I forgot about the dream till MANY months later.

On April 10th, my father had my 19th birthday party, 5 days after my birthday. One of the presents I was given was a scanner that I so desperately wanted. As soon as I got home, I hooked it up and scanned a picture from my Aunt wedding that I was in. That same picture is on the members picture page.

That same night, Frank messaged me. I sent him my picture that I was so excited about moments later. We talked for another hour and then parted ways. The next day, Saturday, he messaged me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, seeing as we both had nothing planned and we only lived 5 minutes away from each other. I said sure. We drove around for about an hour and a half. I felt very comfortable with him, even in silence.

The next day we talked on the computer and he brought up something very interesting. I can’t say the exact words he used because they aren’t G rated. But, he brought up the phrase “Friends with benefits” NO way! I said. And, that ended that for a few weeks. Until he brought it up again. This time, I thought about it. I said “maybe”, I would have to think about it. Think about it I did. Very hard. I went back and forth, thought about everything.

Sometime in May, I said yes. Then, the next day I said no. But, one day, I said to hell with my promise and said yes. The main thing I was worried about was that I was going to regret it, but I was going to take the risk anyways. Who knew some time down the road “risks” was going to be the name of my game.

To cut through a lot of unnecessary pain out, Frank and I were together for 2 and half years, off and on. In December of our first year, I had a miscarriage. I wasn’t far along and at the time of this Frank and I were “taking time apart.” We both were dealing with outside matters and feelings, mostly on my part. I was starting to develop feelings for him. Something I thought I could control. This was something I did NOT want, something I couldn’t want. Something I could never have. He was different. He had walls. Bigger and thicker walls than anyone I have ever seen. No matter what I did, I couldn’t break all the way through. Even though at the time, I played it off good, never letting on I had any remote feelings for him, other than friendship. In my heart, I was rejected for the first time. And it hurt like hell. Frank and I got back together for a short while, just as Summer was beginning. We had a major fall out and my heart, broken.

I had known Jack for a long time. Jack became my rebound man. There were times I would lay in his arms and fight back tears because he wasn’t the one I wanted there. But, the company was good, for a time. For a month, Jack and I saw each other. It was nothing more than sex. That was what everything was becoming for me. Nothing more, nothing less. I started to learn more and more how to use sex to my advantage. Soon, Frank started calling my cell phone to see how I was doing. That wasn’t Frank. Frank doesn’t care about anyone (so I thought), he hardly cares about himself. I knew what he wanted, but, I played his game.

For a month, I was with 2 men at the same time. With one, one night. With the other the next. I started to play some game. It was like I was losing my mind. That was until Liz got pregnant and didn’t know who the father was. It was then I decided to choose one and the person I was going to chose was simple. Frank. The man I was in love with, the man I couldn’t have on a more romantic level. I KNEW I could never have him like I wanted him and it would be better to just cut my loses and move on. I couldn’t do that.

For a year we were off and on, off and on. It turned into a game for me. I started to lose feeling for him or more so stomped the feelings down and became angry with him and just toyed with him. I would cause a major fight, resulting us in parting ways again, a week later I would use sex as my weapon and got what I wanted, him. I was a psycho, plain and simple. I thought I had power over him because of sex, but, in reality, it was me who was getting the crap end of the stick. Not that he had it any better. But, I was the only one I was fooling.

Every time we split. I found someone new. In early May of 2003, my Great Grandmother passed away. At the time, I was toying with a guy named John. I hardly knew him. I never planned on going farther than just messing with his head and leading him to believe that something possibly could happen. Her death hit me hard. So, what did I do? I slept with John. We didn’t use protection. We used the pull out method.

I avoided him after that. He wasn’t my type, I really couldn’t have cared less about him. He was just a person who was there when I needed someone.

Frank and I still talked here and there. It was almost 2 years from when we first got together, when he told me of an “older” (she was in her 30’s, he was 24 at the time) that he had an “encounter” with. I felt as though I was being replace. Who could replace ME, was the thought running through my mind. I was mad and I wanted him back. I played the sex card and used info he had given me about her to my advantage. 20 minutes later he was in my driveway. It was about a week before we had another fight and I was in Jack’s bed again. Week later I was back with Frank. Can you see the pattern here?

In 6 months (starting from December to May), I had slept with 7 men. About 2 of those months I was with 3 of them (I didn’t mention the others because it would just be repeating the same story with a different name). Only 2 of them did I use protection. Had I lost my mind? What was wrong with me? I didn’t think about it until I kept hearing “HIV” and “AIDS” everywhere I went. Naturally, I started to question every single person I was with. John was the one I questioned myself the most over. He is the one that made me nervous. He was the one I hardly knew.

Words could never being to tell you how freaked out I was. I started to hate myself for becoming the person I swore I would never be. I called and asked every guy I was with if they had been tested and just everything. Anytime I saw them, online, in public, I asked them how they were feeling and again asked them if they had been tested. I looked stuff up online, I called clinics. I couldn’t sleep at night. Every one of them swore to God they were healthy. And thankfully they were. Thankfully, I am too.

I don’t regret losing my virginity to Frank. I don’t regret losing my oath to him. Because, I did care for him. And even though he wasn’t madly in love with me, he was my friend.

I do regret how I became afterwards. How obsessed I became over sex and the advantages I had with it, how careless I became, not only with myself and my health, but with other people’s as well. I don’t think the fear of ME having an STD is what made me almost go crazy. It was the fear that I could have given something to someone else. That, because I was careless, I ruined someone else’s life. I would never have been able to live with that.

It’s been well over a year now and I am very glad to say that I am extremely happy. I am living with my fiancée and things are going great.

I'm still actually dealing with the healing process of everything. It did damage me. Knowing how ignorant I was, knowing how lacking in judgement I was. How careless with life I was. That is very hard to deal with, even a year later. Hopefully, this will help in the process.

The reason for this post was to share a very personal and hard experience with people. Maybe even help someone. If I could give any advice, it would be; Don’t be like I was. And, if you are, think twice about what you are doing. Cherish life and people. Obviously, things change. People change. But, one thing that is certain, you only get one shot at this life. And, no one wants to live a life full of regret.

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