= = = WHO IS THE REAL MASTER = = = WOODEN NICKEL

Who is the Real Master?

If Aliens where to arrive here, traveling from some distant and far away galaxy - searching for the dominant life-form on the planet Earth - What would they find?

Wandering through our homes the Aliens would discover the Cat and come to one obvious conclusion. That Cat's are the rulers of Earth. They are the masters of their domain.

And what reasons would the Aliens have to believe such a thing? The reasons are to numerous to mention, but some are very clear. The cat dirties it's litter box, and who comes running to scoop up the waste and keep the box fresh? The Subservient Humans.

When the worlds Cats grow hungry and want to eat, who comes running to feed them? The Subservient Humans When a cat feels that it's time to play - Who throws them a ball of yarn or dangles a rubber mouse from a string to entertain them? The Subservient Humans So keep your eyes to the skies Kitty Cats, because the reason you look superior to the humans are to many to name. Humans are always at your beckon call, and always far to eager to satisfy you feline needs. You never known when they might come to make first contact with you!

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I’M A TODDLER

If it is on, I must turn it off.

If it is off, I must turn it on.

If it is folded, I must unfold it.

If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.

If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

If it is high, it must be reached.

If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.

If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.

If it has leaves, they must be picked.

If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.

If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.

If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.

If it is closed, it must be opened.

If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

If it has drawers, they must be rifled.

If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.

If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.

If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.

If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.

If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.

If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.

If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.

If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.

If it is paper, it must be torn.

If it has buttons, they must be pressed.

If the volume is low, it must go high.

If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.

If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.

If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.

If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.

If it is a phone, I must talk to it.

If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.

If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.

If it is not food, it must be tasted.

If it IS food, it must not be tasted.

If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.

If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.

If it is Mommy, it must be hugged. I am a toddler!

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The officer reported to his sergeant about having no luck with the witness they had to a crime. "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the sergeant. "We certainly did," replied the officer. "And?" yelled the sergeant. The officer said, "All he said was 'Yes, dear, you're right', and then dozed off."

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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

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The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one in Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Minsk?" The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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Q. What's the difference between a red-head and a terrorist?

A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, 'Be fruitful and multiply'; but not in those words.

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Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

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When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'"

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Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

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"The Good Old Days"

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!

Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"

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