= = = = = AT THE TRIAL = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the daRned lantern was lit!"

==============

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal CHICKEN fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis CHICKEN fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat CHICKEN fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

====================

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure! What about?" replied mother.

"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one."

"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.

"Could you buy me a push up bra?"

"No."

"I think it would be just proper at my age..."

"I said no way...!"

"But all of my friends wear.......!"

Morris! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

================

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh." --Rodney Dangerfield

==================

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

=================

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is $90 per visit."

"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for !"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

==================

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Secret Service agent standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Secret Service agent replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Secret Service agent, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."



The Secret Service agent again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Secret Service agent, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Secret Service agent, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"





The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Secret Service agent snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Gotta admit...it's funny!

=================

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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