"A DAY WITH A DEER HUNTER"
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except kitchen sink in pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp, forgot tent.
4:30 am - Head into woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - "Click".
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets, eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun, leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over, hole shot in radiator.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Have accident in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs, wrap gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last!
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A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to The doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?"
He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy."
"And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"
"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy.
"And what is Mommy's real name?"
And little Timmy says, "it's Tammy."
"That is great," the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"
Timmy said, "it is daddy."
Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?"
Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "BUTTHEAD."
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Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.' This boy I want to name Jack."
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A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
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Secrets To Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a generous woman who makes a high income.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have wild LOVE.
4. It is very, very important that these three women never meet!
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The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball.
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."
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"I understand, Doctor, that many husbands snore," said the young wife, "but you've got to help me stop mine. He's a ventriloquist and snores on both sides of me at the same time!"
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