~'No matter how hard I try to escape it my life is a badly written soap opera' pt 1~~*Phe*~

The below text was written Feb. 17th, 2004 ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

~~Last Monday... I woke up to sun and a warm break from the winter chill. I was actually having a good day. Draven hadn't gotten into anything for once (constantly over the last few weeks Draven has on a daily basis gotten into things I care about, ruining several drawings, art supplies, ect.) She woke up early so was ready for her nap around 11:30 I believe. Shortly after she went down Tim called me, he was an old friend and is currently dating my sister. I answered the phone nicely kind of happy that I was getting a call from them, since I seem to be the one who usually calls, but the call wasn't social. Tim called to find out what I had said to my mom about my sister and to attack me for it. He was really angry but instead of listening to anything I said he continually cut me off and insulted me. The phone call was stupid and a waste of a good day so I ended it by saying 'fine she can do whatever she wants' and hung up on him. I wasn't going to waste my time arguing with someone who doesn't give you a chance to talk.

~~An hour later the police show up, Jamie and I were out on the front balcony, I was on the phone to a friend. One officer kept James outside yelling up questions to him on the street, 2 other officers walk in through my back door, without waiting for me to open it. They asked us both question and made me wake Draven. They said they had received a call stating I had 'hit your daughter today'. I knew right away that it was my sister and her boyfriend. I explained to the officers about the fight that morning and showed them around the house. As soon as they saw Draven (who woke up to say 'Hi man! I'm Draven' and flash them her biggest smile -I have a brilliant child lol) they knew their time was wasted and they were willing to give us a lot of information such as,

~~~~~• the abuse call came from family out of town

~~~~~• specifically Ontario

~~~~~• they were told that I hit my daughter that morning

~~The officers were totally content everything was fine, I offered to take off Draven's p.j's to prove to them she wasn't beaten and the officer told me it wasn't necessary. When they left I broke down into hysticarial tears. I had expressed when I found out I was pregnant that my biggest fear was having the DPG (Child services here) called because I couldn't tolerate having my child taken from me and I don't trust Child services as having the best judgment, in my experience I've seen good parents loose their kids and bad parents keep them. When I wrote to my father, the lawyer for advice (in case my sister tried to pull another such stunt) he said "It all sounds very distressing and as a usual rule it is better that the DPJ not get involved in your lives. No doubt the police felt like they were being used. If they left and no DPJ social workers showed up then all should be ok.

~~However, once the social workers from the DPJ are there, you have no choice but to co-operate. If you do not they have broad powers to apprehend children (which they do 6 times more frequently in Quebec than Ontario) and otherwise make your life miserable."

~~That was the grounds of my fear, knowing that broad power and the fall out that might occur from it. James and I, when we had calmed ourselves a bit, called my sister...well James did. He spoke with her and her boyfriend, listening while Tim lied to him about what was said on the phone that morning and catching himself on his own lies. For example, he said he called the police cause he thought I was going to kill myself (mmm yeah ok) he told Jamie he said nothing to the cops about me abusing Draven (so the cops lied I guess) but he told Jamie that he told the cops James was a good parent (ok so why would he defend Jamie's parenting if he was calling about me being suicidal) You know, when life gets really hard, like a 6 year relationship ending, and i get depressed I might say I wanna die...but that’s why I write. When I write I get it out. But crap, even I am not pathetic enough to kill myself over an idiot argument with someone who can't even think for himself!!!

~~I mean if, IF I'm going to go its going to be over something a little better then that. I'd also like to point out in a previous emotional typing vent a few weeks earlier I said "another one of my failures is by pure coincidence, "saving" me for I'm too much of a coward to do the deed'

~~Now maybe its not so much of a failure...yeah I think of dying when things go very very badly, because I don't have much of a support structure. But honestly I love life too much to give up on it, even the bad parts make it an exciting book and I'm really curious to see how my book ends, and more then that I love my daughter too much to abandon her. When I say I want to die, it is an expression to let the listener know how the emotional gravity a situation is affecting me. I never have said 'I AM going to die, I will slit my wrists at 9pm' I say ‘sometimes I wish I was dead’...or ‘it would be easier’ and that’s it. In fact I’ve noticed I say more commonly ‘sometimes I wish I wasn’t here’. It’s an expression. But that is beside the point. On the phone call I was frustrated, I wasn't screaming, yelling, crying and I certainly never said anything about killing myself. My tone was the same as when I get frustrated. James was lying in bed, not asleep, with the door open, had I been acting nuts as Tim and my sister both state, he certainly would have heard me. But the fact that I was on the phone and James never heard me raise my voice pokes more holes into their accusations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PT2 to be posted shortly~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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