An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
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Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
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After a long night the young guy rolled over, pulled out
a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find
it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
====================
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?" He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."
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Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.
15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
18.Your income check bounces.
19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
20.Your pet rock snaps at you.
21.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
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Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."
"Would you give him my car?"
"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."
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In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" ... And there was light.
There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
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Jack is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yeah, she divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
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Esther is in a bad way and goes to see her doctor. "Doctor Myers, what's wrong with me? Just look at the state of my face. When I woke up this morning, I glanced in the mirror and nearly fainted at what I saw. My hair has gone gray and wiry and is starting to fall out, my lovely skin has become pasty looking and horribly wrinkled and both my eyes are bloodshot and bulging from their sockets. I look like someone who has just died. What on earth is wrong with me?"
Doctor Myers gives Esther a quick examination, looks her in the eyes and says to her, "Well, I can say one thing I've discovered, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cell phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. "Hello," says Sidney. "Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?" "Yes," replies Sidney. "Well I'm at the shopping mall," she says, "and I've found a beautiful leather coat. It's $450. Can I buy it?" "OK, " says Sidney, "go ahead and buy it if you like it that much." "Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2004 models. I saw one that I really liked." "How much was it?" asks Sidney. "$49,000," she replied. "For that price," says Sidney, "I want it with all the options." "Great," she says. "Just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $850,000 for it now." Sidney says, "Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don't offer more than $820,000." "OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I love you." "Bye, I love you too." says Sidney and then hangs up. The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment. Then Sidney shouts out aloud, "Does anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?"
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Eighty four year old Morris was hit by a car and lay bleeding on the sidewalk. A policeman arrived on the scene and, glancing at the victim, immediately called for a priest and an ambulance.
The priest arrived first, and bending over Morris, he asked, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Morris lifted his head, opened his eyes wide and turned to the crowd that had gathered around him. "I am laying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles!"
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Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"
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Jewish Country Western Songs
"Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights" "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?" "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament" "Stand by Your Mensch" "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes" "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart" "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt" "That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like a Goniff" "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'" "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'" "You Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town" "Why Don't We Get Drunk??? - We're Jews!" "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
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An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
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How a Jew Might Answer Some Questions at the Doctors Office
Q. How do you feel?
A. How should I feel?
Q. What hurts you?
A. What doesn't hurt me?
Q. When do you feel bad?
A. When don't I feel bad?
Q. When did it start?
A. When will it end, better!
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